31.12.11

二零一一年目標回顧 | 2011 Resolution Review

2011, a year of mixed feelings.
Thank you Lord for all His blessings for me even though I did not deserved them.
I completed 5 out of 11 resolutions that I made, I need to have a clearer idea on what I want to do in the coming year.

1. Relationship with God. = Success =

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditioned love and patience for me, please discipline me and teach me to put You first in everything I do.

- first thing in the morning, pray to God
- attends life church and talk-it-over discussions
- complete Youversion reading plan by May 2011

=  I did not pray in the mornings consistently, but my faith has grown stronger than ever - I kept making this prayer few years back to God to strengthen my faith, and now He made my faith strong.
= I did not attend Lifechurch consistently, especially during the last quarter of the year, I did not attend even once. But God gave me a strong push in going to a physical church. 
= Completed Youversion reading plan in May 2011.

2. Writing.= Success =

There are voices in my mind 24/7. They never shut up and sometimes I lose control of my emotions and feel very bipolar. I'm sorry that I'm unstable.

- jot down/take pic of important things
- organize my messy thoughts

= I am picking this habit back again, around the month of October, since father was in the hospital.

3. Exercise.= Failed =

Exercise helps to balance brain chemicals. Besides staying healthy, it helps to maintain my 'healthy' mood, so I will have less unstable times.

- jogging and/or swimming every weekend, 1 - 2 time(s)
- basic stretching
- wants to be able to bend over and touch the ground

= My old sports shoes doesn't work well anymore, so I stopped jogging. 
= I did not do much stretching and I still can't touch the ground without bending my knees.
= I've gained 2kg of weight, grown fatter around the tummy/waist/buttock area.

4. Reading. = Success =

Reading keeps me focused and ponder on some thoughts. I seriously need to relearn how to focus and concentrate.

- Finish "1Q84" (book 1 & 2) by Murakami Haruki
- NEW: Finish "1Q84" (book 3) by Murakami Haruki
- Finish "艺术治疗" by Dr. Shaun McNiff
- Finish Phil Yeh's and Chin Yew's Comics

= I haven't finish Dr. Shaun McNiff's  藝術治療, but I considered this a success because I've been reading something everyday as a habit already.
= Read mangas online, I am too lazy to list down the titles.
= Read 1Q84 (Book 1-3) by 村上春樹, Phil Yeh and Chin Yew's graphic novels, 廚房by 吉本芭娜娜,Peacemaker Kurogane Vol.1-5 (manga), Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always (graphic novel).
= Currently still reading 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff / 徐志摩詩集 / Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan

5. Train my left hand. = Failed =

Due to less-than-severe-but-not-light injury from repetitive strain on my right hand/arm/颈椎, I would really want to put less strain on my right hand by training my left hand to do certain simple activities. It's good for the brain too.

- brush teeth
- write
- doodle

= I learnt how to brush my teeth with my left hand, but not writing and doodling. But I'm glad that the arm is not hurting soooo much already. 

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files. = Failed =

Workspace and the environment reflects your mind state. This has been on my to-do list like... for years. *guilty and embarassed* Yeah I have a very messy state of mind. I need to do something about it, the aim is to be “乱中有序” (luan4 zhong1 you3 xu4),which means it seems messy but in fact there are certain rules/discipline to it, this has been my “座右铭” (zuo4 you4 ming2,motto) since high school.

Areas:
- workspace
- wardrobe
- bookcase(s)
- room desk
- room shelves

Digital Files and Non-digital Files:
- back up important files
- arrange them in appropriate folders and location
- Photos: upload.

= Although I did some cleaning up, but it's still not enough to tick all the above off. 

7. Draw. = Failed =

I wonder why I almost put this last.

- Paint something digitally.
- Clean up my dA deviations.

= I almost wanted to put a success until I read what I typed: paint something digitally and cleaning up dA deviations. I did not 'paint' something digitally, and I left my dA as it was, besides uploaded some traditional works once in a while. 

8. Revise Japanese Language.= Failed =

- just wanna be able to read hiragana and katakana without any difficulty

= I revised but slacked off since the 3rd quarter of the year. 

9. ll-m. = Failed =

No clear plans on this yet, but I will try.

= I still don't know what I want to do with this. Swt. 

10. Graduate and earn money. = Success =

Does this count? But I really wanna graduate very badly.
This is vague but yeah, regardless of full-time or part-time job, earn a decent amount of money then pay my own debts and give money to parents.

= Haven't pay all the debts - but I graduated and earned some money. Just that I couldn't gave it to my papa anymore, but I still have my lovely mama to give.

11. Drive to places. = Success =

If you see a driver that annoys you so much that you can't stop honking and pressure her, that's probably me. Sorry, I very noob, please forgive me, but I really have to learn to drive to places by myself. T_T

.= I drove to places, but still not very good in recognizing roads and directions. A good start, and a good experience of a minor accident and making a police report and claiming insurance.

30.12.11

十二月份报告 | Monthly Report: December 2011

過得有一點恍惚,有一點不真實。

爸爸離開我們,剛好一個月了。

我從小就是個哭包,想爸爸的時候
就哭了。有時候哭兩分鐘。
有時候哭一個小時。
有時候哭了又止、止了又哭。
不等。

(爸爸不喜歡別人哭。
我不可以哭醬多。)

哥今天寫了一句話
"It's been a month since father's left. We've kept things the same, but somehow they're different now."

再也貼切不過了。

1. Relationship with God.

- Did not attend lifechurch and lifegroup meetings.
- Attended Christmas Eve's gathering at church with bf, God gave him a special gift this Christmas. :)
- Attended church on Christmas day too.
- When I start to distance myself with Him, I easily got caught back in the negative self-pity self. The devil will try to fill in the void inside whenever I let myself become vacant.

4. Reading.

- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff pg.127
- 徐志摩詩集 pg.85
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan pg.15
- and read quite some mangas online that I didn't bother to list down

11. Drive to places.
- 27/12那天,出車禍了,對方車子不讓,所以我撞上去了。大家都說是小意外,可是對方堅持要報警。我被罰了款。也辛苦哥和嫂載我到處跑著處理文件和保險的事,還有浪費很多在警察局等待的時間。第一次車禍,嚇死我了。

明天再貼上一整年目標達成與否的總結。

24.12.11

處理悲傷

十二月四日,只打了以下三行字。

“還是
悲痛。

爸爸,好想好想您。”

------

就沒了。
其實,真的、寫不出來。

文字也解決不了的事。
大概除了埋在枕頭里大哭又大哭
然後哭累了就昏昏睡個十五二十分鐘
就再也沒有其他恢復自己的方法。

從爸爸離開那天到今天
除了把自己弄到累到不行什麼都不想去想的時候
其他的天都哭了。

我想,我只會用這種方式
來處理悲傷。

其實以為過了很久很久
以為爸爸不在身邊的日子過了很久很久
也拖了這篇日誌很久很久

那天才發現
原來爸爸離開
只有三個星期啊

我拖著拖著時間
算算今天,爸爸離開
也不到一個月。

冬至剛過。
雖然家人都沒有說為什麼今年決定在外邊圍爐
可是我想
我們都眀瞭
不在家裡做大日子
也是不想為彼此鋪上一層厚厚的霜

以前爸爸媽媽總是一起負責買火鍋料
爸爸總是會買過多的火鍋料
媽媽總是會嫌太多
還有好吃的白斬雞,吃不完的雞肉會拿來炒潮州雞
爸爸都很喜歡吃的。
爸爸每次都會吃很多蒜米辣椒
記得小時候,大日子圍爐
我總是會被點笑穴的
每次都會鬧笑話
總是特別開心

結果我還是邊哭邊打了這些字。
爸爸的農曆和陽曆生日都快到了。
年也要來了。

爸爸,我工作了。

爸爸生前總是不讓人為他分擔他所操心的事
離開後也不讓我們有太多要操心的事
重要的,爸爸都整理出來了。

------

剛剛處理完一堆眼淚鼻涕。
還好不是用紙和筆寫的
不然紙張濕透了都還沒寫些什麼出來。

9.12.11

十一月份报告 | Monthly Report: November 2011

時間過得很快,尤其在年齡登上二十的寶座之後。

爸爸在十一月的最後一天離開了。
感謝上帝,financially blessed 了我們一家,感謝上帝願意在我們獻上微不足道的tithe和offering裡,接受了並multiply我們所獻上的,我們一家才能夠擁有如此大的福氣。
也感謝上帝,沒有對我們太狠心……先讓我們稍微適應家裡沒有爸爸的日子,才慢慢讓聖靈進入把拔的心,才慢慢帶走父親,雖然沒有親眼看見天使,但我會不斷地祈求,懇請上帝的天使們繼續守護著父親。

謝謝教友Shaista D以及朋友們的祈禱
謝謝所有教會的親戚朋友不斷地為父親禱告
上帝會賜福與你們。

上帝對我們prayers的回答只有三,那就是“Yes”, “Later” 或 “I have a better plan”
雖然上帝對我們的祈求沒有說“Yes”,可是我們深信上帝會有更好的計劃,
上帝是我們全能的神。

謝謝親愛姐妹們的支持,我很感動;
還有被坤中情聯繫著的朋友,雖然我們不曾很熟絡,
可是你們恰當的問候與支持,很讓人窩心。

1. Relationship with God.

- Did not attend lifechurch nor lifegroup meetings. :(
- Attended church once.
- Been seeing a lot of God's work and God's people at work, and there are many God's people around me.
- He gave me peace and took away my worries.

4. Reading.

- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff
- 徐志摩詩集
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan

3.12.11

爸爸不見了

家裡不見了爸爸
家裡有很多爸爸用的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸為我們準備的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸喜歡和辛苦收藏的東西……
家裡有很多從前到現在也列不完的爸爸的東西……
家裡都是爸爸

爸爸不見了
怎麼找爸爸也不在家

聽不見爸爸的聲音
聽不見爸爸那串鎖匙開門的聲音
聽不見爸爸打開文件櫃子的聲音
聽不見爸爸每天閱讀報紙的聲音
聽不見爸爸晚上睡覺打呼的聲音

看不見爸爸的身影
看不見爸爸專心閱報
看不見爸爸吃飯喝湯
看不見爸爸洗澡後的頭髮
被風扇吹著輕輕飄動的柔軟頭髮

可是透過我的眼睛
或者是我們的眼睛
卻還可以清楚看見和聽見
爸爸坐在專屬的位子上看報紙、拆信
爸爸上樓梯、到房間、開衣櫥、拿毛巾洗澡
開電燈開關、關門
那些聲音 我認得
是爸爸的節奏
那些屬於爸爸獨有的節奏

爸爸您真的不在了嗎?
您在家裡的存在感 依然是那麼的強烈
彷彿您只是在家裡的另外一個房間
一個我不在那裡的房間
每一個角落都感受到爸爸
每一角落都有爸爸……

我卻在哪一個角落
都找不著爸爸


-----

對新事兒的熱誠
也突然減低了許多
本來新事兒讓我興奮
因為我正準備在您好起來的時候
跟你分享我的新事兒
我知道您一定會有意見
我想我也會知道您的想法
您一定會鼓勵我、支持我
您總是對我選擇面對人、與人相處的事兒
抱著鼓勵和支持的態度
我想听您親口對我說
我很想聽您親口對我說
可是爸爸您不見了
所以什麼也聽不到了
新事兒也不新鮮了
爸爸不見了