It has been quite a while that I have not made a confession honestly, truthfully and sincerely.
Now it's really not the time for me to blog or think much, but if now is not the time? When will be the time? My main point is, don't wait.
I don't keep my new clothes for a very long time or wait until a special occasion, when I feel like wearing it, I just wear it. I understand how this works, but I never really apply it in other more important things, like assignments, room keeping, plans and even blogging.
Until... now. I must learn to fight like a warrior! Time is my enemy! Grrr.
Each day, I feel so small that I couldn't find any significance of myself and my life, so small that I start to hate myself and my life, so small that I don't know what to do with myself and my life, so small that I start to forget my big dreams when I was small, so small that I always run like a coward from problems in my pathetic life (Note: I said 'pathetic life' because Stephen Chow said "A man without dreams is no different from a salted fish (咸鱼)", and a life of a 'ham-yu' is pathetic. )
So small that I even forgotten about a girl whom I admired during high school. Ehehehehehehe. Haha but no, it's not what you think it is, hehehe.
I admired her artsy talents, her skills, her solitude, her independence, and the way she talked to me and encouraged me, and the notes she left me, the trust she put on me, and the mutual feeling when we were together. Almost everything of her inspired me, she was my idol until we lost contact after she left (me) and went overseas for so many years.
I guess I feel lost when she's gone, whether I noticed it or not. It's not obvious.
I am still feeling very very small, but I just found a new girl to admire! Ehehehehheheheh!!
She impresses me so much! She's like my dream girl! No no, don't get it wrong, she's like a role model of who I wanted to be, someone whom I've dreamt to be! She's talented, charming, smart, tough, beautiful, determined...
She's so close yet so far, the feeling is just like last time! So close yet so far... the distance between me and her is short, but somehow there is a distance in the heart, a distance... a difference... yet we are so similar... we are so small, but we can dream big, she is doing small things to achieve her big dreams, and she is half way there already... and I can too!
I still have my big dreams... locked deep inside my little heart to gather dust. T^T
Although I may be seen as a shy girl, well in fact, I am one, but I have a very high ego. It's very different from being confident and high self-esteem, it's just pure pride without confidence that I hold for myself, that refrain myself from doing certain things that will hurt my ego, which includes, admitting and confessing that I am a normal girl as well as a fangirl, who is secretly admiring people. Hmm, it sounds the same like me being "shy". But I bet those who know me well know what I meant by my high ego. o_o
Hehe, I am just a little fangirl which I am always very reluctant to admit. (Note: Anime/Manga is not included in the obsessions of the 'fangirl' term mentioned in this post. )
And today after this post, I am a little fangirl who dreams big. :)
(Suddenly I feel so girly. o_o)