It has never changed -- even after a decade long -- it seems to have gone worse as time passes by, I think I have given up on any little hope that I have left trying to change it.
I think I just need to accept that, some things really doesn't change. It just is.
I can't remember how many times I have blamed myself for all the things that turned out extremely unpleasant.
It's my fault.
I didn't try hard enough.
I am not good enough.
I am not what I thought I were.
I am not the great person as I thought I can be.
Poisoned thoughts -- they still haunt me.
It's very difficult having to put on different faces in different situations. I believe everything about me is real -- but I don't know, perhaps no other person thinks that way except myself.
For things that cannot be changed -- I can only change myself.
I needed to accept the unpleasant is in fact -- pretty much impossible to change (at least... not in a decade.. or in the decades to come) -- so that way I can use the energy I originally placed on changing the unpleasant to changing myself instead.
I just need to accept it.