年末。
光陰依舊匆匆。
再見，2013。
我只想做一個馬虎的回顧。
我越來越有限的青春，不夠支付我胡亂思考的時間。
我們倒數吧。
十二
十二月份參與了AOY研討會，疲累，也思考了很多。
不懂的事也很多，腦袋裡很多互相撞擊的思路，堵車。
不過很感謝主，讓我在年末能夠惦記著、學習著上帝的話語；
好像在提醒我說，世界的末了將近，
不可以這樣怠惰，不要忘記你要成為世上的光啊。
自己也不止一次下了決心要成為世上的光… 雖然我似乎只有很小的願望… 只想成為那燭光。我就是那一位膽小又小信的。
十一
這個十一月，淹沒在忙碌裡。
空虛的忙碌、忙碌的空虛，自己也搞不懂是哪個。
其實不比之前忙碌，不過還是
鼻子進水眼睛瞎思緒糊糊昏昏的。
不想背重擔。
十
在想著要不要要求換到另一個部門去。
在想著要不要換工作。想來想去。
結果沒有換部門也（還？）沒有換工作。
月頭到月中，應該是在拼命趕工。
憂鬱。焦躁。爆肝。
九
參與了第一場同班同學的婚禮！
也參加了陳牧師主講的“末世揭秘”研討課。
好像是因為工作……只去了兩場課，曠了兩場課。
八
收到了比比送的禮物！無法接受這貴重 *_*
所以…從蘋果電話換到了安卓啦！
（蘋果的差勁同步設置把我的當地筆記全都刪了。哭。）
七
記憶模糊了……好像在思考著關於黑與白、灰色地帶的事。
六
我到底在這個月做了什麼……
啊，原來我做了半年的回顧；太好了，我實在是想不起上半年的事了。
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
五
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
四
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
三
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
二
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
一
一月我就記得了，因為今年的一月十二日，我和媽媽受洗了。
第二天就是爸爸的生日。很有意思吧。
我們在得知爸爸的病情之前，上帝已經在看顧著我們一家了，只是我們後知後覺，不懂得感恩。爸爸的離開，那是心碎的離別，但難過的同時，我卻再一次看見了上帝給我們一家的恩典和安慰；祂不曾離開。
零
……
……
……
你好，2014。
我們又要從一開始數了。
Showing posts with label 沥沥文 | liliterature. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 沥沥文 | liliterature. Show all posts
31.12.13
1.9.13
锈
从鼻孔吸入
血的
气味。
这是
我身上的
锈
呵。
置放自己
在一个安全的角落里
安心。不敢让自己太担心
不想让别人不开心。
可是却生锈了。
血腥
血腥
生锈的铁罐
看见了自己的锈
突然明暸
这锈
虽然不疼不痒
但确实是正在
腐蚀自己的
锈。
可是铁罐啊
自己没有办法
让自己不生锈
无力
多么地无力
铁罐是被人造的被造物
没有自我修复的能力
不能够为自己除锈防锈
能力不在自己。
所以
铁罐要依赖
唯有依赖
那一位
有心人
有能力为
铁罐除锈的。
祷告
请为我这不争气的
除除锈。
阿们。
血的
气味。
这是
我身上的
锈
呵。
置放自己
在一个安全的角落里
安心。不敢让自己太担心
不想让别人不开心。
可是却生锈了。
血腥
血腥
生锈的铁罐
看见了自己的锈
突然明暸
这锈
虽然不疼不痒
但确实是正在
腐蚀自己的
锈。
可是铁罐啊
自己没有办法
让自己不生锈
无力
多么地无力
铁罐是被人造的被造物
没有自我修复的能力
不能够为自己除锈防锈
能力不在自己。
所以
铁罐要依赖
唯有依赖
那一位
有心人
有能力为
铁罐除锈的。
祷告
请为我这不争气的
除除锈。
阿们。
17.6.13
Flipping the calendar backwards
JUNE
1. 160613
Happy Fathers' Day!
...I am still saying it - I miss you Papa. ;_;
2. 160613
What a coincidence!
We met my friend and her family while they were crossing the road on the zebra-crossing right in front of our car.
3. 160613
So, today Violet taught me a new trick - writing stories starting from the ending.
That way I'll probably never come to the situation that I usually get - I have no idea how to end this story.
I was pretty excited about this new method - and start to think backwards and start doing mind maps, branching out ideas.
It's pretty cool and all, but now - I have no idea how to start this story. Haha.
...Then I decided to write something starting from this moment and going back to the beginning of the year.
4.
Facing a test of endurance and patience - even if I am feeling hurt, I will not try to take revenge and hurt someone back. I was tempted but I know it's never the right way to solve things.
5.
Blind spot:
Some people are trying hard to do the right things, and taking actions against the people who are against them, but never even once this thought of standing on the wrong side have crossed their minds.
6.
My uncle passed away. No words can describe grief.
MAY
1.
I'm a slow person. Learn slow, think slow, eat slow, shower slow, warming-up-to-people slow, pee slow. Sorry about it, and thanks for the warm welcome and friendly chats.
2.
Grey areas are popular, we don't want to choose a side, not black, not white; we want to just fit inside the grey area, thinking that we could get the best of both sides. It is completely ok sometimes, but at other times choices has to be made, because there isn't actually any grey areas (that can last long maybe?), because if you're not one of us, then you're one of them.
APRIL
1.
Work
- Switched projects
- More fun, more challenging, and more time spent on work too
MARCH
1.
Before 2012 ended, I thought I'd make a 2013 resolution, but it never happened;
and here I am, standing at the beginning of the third month in 2013.
Time seems to move at an increasing speed multiplied by a positive constant n% of the number of days I've lived... (?)
and life becomes more challenging when now I am trying hard to catch up with it.
But all is good.
FEBRUARY
1.
Chinese New Year
Lots of fireworks this year, it was great listening to the fireworks - just like when I was still a kid.
2.
Don't think I have ever posted my jobs on my blog before.
Maybe I never felt proud enough or secure enough to share it.
Never once have I dreamt that I could get a job in the games industry.
I think I love my current job much.
JANUARY
1. 130113
Went to visit Papa's grave on his birthday. :)
2. 120113
I am baptised into Jesus Christ! I am a Seventh-Day Adventist.
I am a new adventist, I have much to learn.
1. 160613
Happy Fathers' Day!
...I am still saying it - I miss you Papa. ;_;
2. 160613
What a coincidence!
We met my friend and her family while they were crossing the road on the zebra-crossing right in front of our car.
3. 160613
So, today Violet taught me a new trick - writing stories starting from the ending.
That way I'll probably never come to the situation that I usually get - I have no idea how to end this story.
I was pretty excited about this new method - and start to think backwards and start doing mind maps, branching out ideas.
It's pretty cool and all, but now - I have no idea how to start this story. Haha.
...Then I decided to write something starting from this moment and going back to the beginning of the year.
4.
Facing a test of endurance and patience - even if I am feeling hurt, I will not try to take revenge and hurt someone back. I was tempted but I know it's never the right way to solve things.
5.
Blind spot:
Some people are trying hard to do the right things, and taking actions against the people who are against them, but never even once this thought of standing on the wrong side have crossed their minds.
6.
My uncle passed away. No words can describe grief.
MAY
1.
I'm a slow person. Learn slow, think slow, eat slow, shower slow, warming-up-to-people slow, pee slow. Sorry about it, and thanks for the warm welcome and friendly chats.
2.
Grey areas are popular, we don't want to choose a side, not black, not white; we want to just fit inside the grey area, thinking that we could get the best of both sides. It is completely ok sometimes, but at other times choices has to be made, because there isn't actually any grey areas (that can last long maybe?), because if you're not one of us, then you're one of them.
APRIL
1.
Work
- Switched projects
- More fun, more challenging, and more time spent on work too
MARCH
1.
Before 2012 ended, I thought I'd make a 2013 resolution, but it never happened;
and here I am, standing at the beginning of the third month in 2013.
Time seems to move at an increasing speed multiplied by a positive constant n% of the number of days I've lived... (?)
and life becomes more challenging when now I am trying hard to catch up with it.
But all is good.
FEBRUARY
1.
Chinese New Year
Lots of fireworks this year, it was great listening to the fireworks - just like when I was still a kid.
2.
Don't think I have ever posted my jobs on my blog before.
Maybe I never felt proud enough or secure enough to share it.
Never once have I dreamt that I could get a job in the games industry.
I think I love my current job much.
JANUARY
1. 130113
Went to visit Papa's grave on his birthday. :)
2. 120113
I am baptised into Jesus Christ! I am a Seventh-Day Adventist.
I am a new adventist, I have much to learn.
14.4.13
圣诞树的味道
以前家门前种着两棵大树，我们管他叫“圣诞树”。
其中一棵只记得他成了树头的样子。
记得雨后，树头上会长出蘑菇，米白色的，看起来很好吃。
总觉得很稀奇啊，蘑菇原来不是从土里长出来的。
而且这些雨后在门外树头上长出来的蘑菇是不能摸、不能吃的。
妈妈说有毒。
第二棵圣诞树，唯一还有印象的是他深绿色的叶子，叶子也不是一般的网状叶。
（应该是一种柏树吧。）
爸爸喜欢圣诞树的阴凉。
圣诞树在地里站得很稳，根扎得很深，伸得很远；很强壮，把我们家前的洋灰地都撑裂了。
“如果让他继续长，就不得了啦，房子都会塌。”
以前不明白大人说的话。因为我只看见粗地上从左边到右边多了一条黑色曲曲的横线，还有一些细细的黑线，心想那些线条又有什么关系呢。树还是很美啊。
于是爸爸妈妈就每天把树一点一点地砍下来。
然后家里就飘着那一种香香的味道。
最后剩下一大截树干，大概有三四尺吧，爸爸说过要用来种胡姬花的。
不懂过了多久，现在我也长高大了，树干上就有了攀岩自生的万年青。
近这几天，万年青被拔了，才发现树身旁蚂蚁和昆虫已经造好房子了；树旁地上的泥，也被什么动物挖过了洞，像是鼠洞蛇穴之类的。
我们的树头前也新建了围墙。
墙要上漆，所以那残余的树头也一截一截地被电锯截掉了。
树干里边带红色，非常硬的木。所以从前没办法砍除的，就陪了我们到今天。
今天，地上残余的根，也被挖掉了。
啊…… 是这个味道。
草香有时还会带一点涩， 这木香却沉稳不重，清而不淡，让人怀念。
圣诞树
剩下的味道，
很香。
让人怀念
从前。
其中一棵只记得他成了树头的样子。
记得雨后，树头上会长出蘑菇，米白色的，看起来很好吃。
总觉得很稀奇啊，蘑菇原来不是从土里长出来的。
而且这些雨后在门外树头上长出来的蘑菇是不能摸、不能吃的。
妈妈说有毒。
第二棵圣诞树，唯一还有印象的是他深绿色的叶子，叶子也不是一般的网状叶。
（应该是一种柏树吧。）
爸爸喜欢圣诞树的阴凉。
圣诞树在地里站得很稳，根扎得很深，伸得很远；很强壮，把我们家前的洋灰地都撑裂了。
“如果让他继续长，就不得了啦，房子都会塌。”
以前不明白大人说的话。因为我只看见粗地上从左边到右边多了一条黑色曲曲的横线，还有一些细细的黑线，心想那些线条又有什么关系呢。树还是很美啊。
于是爸爸妈妈就每天把树一点一点地砍下来。
然后家里就飘着那一种香香的味道。
最后剩下一大截树干，大概有三四尺吧，爸爸说过要用来种胡姬花的。
不懂过了多久，现在我也长高大了，树干上就有了攀岩自生的万年青。
近这几天，万年青被拔了，才发现树身旁蚂蚁和昆虫已经造好房子了；树旁地上的泥，也被什么动物挖过了洞，像是鼠洞蛇穴之类的。
我们的树头前也新建了围墙。
墙要上漆，所以那残余的树头也一截一截地被电锯截掉了。
树干里边带红色，非常硬的木。所以从前没办法砍除的，就陪了我们到今天。
今天，地上残余的根，也被挖掉了。
啊…… 是这个味道。
草香有时还会带一点涩， 这木香却沉稳不重，清而不淡，让人怀念。
圣诞树
剩下的味道，
很香。
让人怀念
从前。
20.1.13
貶價交換
原來沒來這裡寫些什麼，是一件好事。
意味著我生活過得還不錯，沒什麼讓人抓狂鬱悶的事。
……
我可以用你要的那一筆金錢，來贖回這幾年我對你的100%信任和一些寬容。
以前我大概會告訴自己，被騙了就絕對不會再相信他，也絕對不會原諒他，還會加上幾句惡咒。
今天我也還沒有太寬容大量的心，我還是會說被騙了真的很難再無條件地相信了，原諒是一堂一輩子都學不完的課，我這種自動記賬的，就會這樣記得，可是原諒不一定就要忘記對不？現在，我真的還不敢說我原諒，也許再多一陣子吧。我也不咒罵了；只願你可以從中和以後的路途上明暸人與人之間，任何一方太牽強的話一定是不能行的，因為那不是建立在自然形成的信賴和引力之上，乃是短暫的蠻橫外力，不是長久的辦法。
多想可以這樣告訴你，只是連我的分享你都要推翻和強加你自身的想法予我的時候，我就知道我的能力還不足以來指引你聆聽。
我不是一個很好的朋友，所以我希望你有更好的朋友，願意無條件地指點你，讓你成為更討喜的人。
那份信任，我是贖回了；錢，遲些再給你。
意味著我生活過得還不錯，沒什麼讓人抓狂鬱悶的事。
……
我可以用你要的那一筆金錢，來贖回這幾年我對你的100%信任和一些寬容。
以前我大概會告訴自己，被騙了就絕對不會再相信他，也絕對不會原諒他，還會加上幾句惡咒。
今天我也還沒有太寬容大量的心，我還是會說被騙了真的很難再無條件地相信了，原諒是一堂一輩子都學不完的課，我這種自動記賬的，就會這樣記得，可是原諒不一定就要忘記對不？現在，我真的還不敢說我原諒，也許再多一陣子吧。我也不咒罵了；只願你可以從中和以後的路途上明暸人與人之間，任何一方太牽強的話一定是不能行的，因為那不是建立在自然形成的信賴和引力之上，乃是短暫的蠻橫外力，不是長久的辦法。
多想可以這樣告訴你，只是連我的分享你都要推翻和強加你自身的想法予我的時候，我就知道我的能力還不足以來指引你聆聽。
我不是一個很好的朋友，所以我希望你有更好的朋友，願意無條件地指點你，讓你成為更討喜的人。
那份信任，我是贖回了；錢，遲些再給你。
22.9.12
靜
時間，在這裡是靜了。
在這樣的一個林子裡。
有木、有葉；
有泥、石；
有光，從未知的高處
筆直穿過葉群
俯视我們在地上的卑微。
我們望著（那）莊嚴。
美麗的光，美麗的林。
美好的景物只可遠觀、不可褻玩；
美麗、莊嚴、神聖。
我，也隨著時間，
沉靜了。
我們
靜靜地溜，不曾靜止。
--------
相信美好、相信公義、相信創造主
儘管人變得再冷漠殘酷
儘管環境變得污穢惡劣
也絕對不可以為了這些不好
而讓自己的純樸變質。
在這樣的一個林子裡。
有木、有葉；
有泥、石；
有光，從未知的高處
筆直穿過葉群
俯视我們在地上的卑微。
我們望著（那）莊嚴。
美麗的光，美麗的林。
美好的景物只可遠觀、不可褻玩；
美麗、莊嚴、神聖。
我，也隨著時間，
沉靜了。
我們
靜靜地溜，不曾靜止。
--------
相信美好、相信公義、相信創造主
儘管人變得再冷漠殘酷
儘管環境變得污穢惡劣
也絕對不可以為了這些不好
而讓自己的純樸變質。
29.6.12
横
我真的是很容易被你的情绪感染的。
叫你离开，
把自己说得很伟大
不想再看到你不开心
希望你可以开心过生活
其实还有一大部分的原因
是因为我不想再让自己像今晚一样
有奇怪的念头
我想
埋头
工作
工作
工作到天亮
因为不想被你的情绪感染
因为我有点自私
因为我很固执
因为我不喜欢哭丧着入眠
所以不开心的时候
我都会晚睡，把身体累坏了
就会累到睡着
就没有不开心地入眠了
所以
离开吧
我身体已经越来越差了
再也经不起多几次的不开心
再也不想像海绵一样无限吸着各种的坏情绪
可是我就只是一块海绵
我不能够跟你分担
我不能够理解
我也不想
听了
因为
我真的不懂除了跟随自己心声以外的方式来做决定
我只是不想让每天不开心的你感染
成
现在
我也不开心
不睡觉。
叫你离开，
把自己说得很伟大
不想再看到你不开心
希望你可以开心过生活
其实还有一大部分的原因
是因为我不想再让自己像今晚一样
有奇怪的念头
我想
埋头
工作
工作
工作到天亮
因为不想被你的情绪感染
因为我有点自私
因为我很固执
因为我不喜欢哭丧着入眠
所以不开心的时候
我都会晚睡，把身体累坏了
就会累到睡着
就没有不开心地入眠了
所以
离开吧
我身体已经越来越差了
再也经不起多几次的不开心
再也不想像海绵一样无限吸着各种的坏情绪
可是我就只是一块海绵
我不能够跟你分担
我不能够理解
我也不想
听了
因为
我真的不懂除了跟随自己心声以外的方式来做决定
我只是不想让每天不开心的你感染
成
现在
我也不开心
不睡觉。
26.6.12
Humility
Sometimes we are more forgetful than we thought. Skills that you have mastered could become rusty if don't brush them up consistently; and a lesson learnt might just slip away as if nothing has happened before - until a friend reminds me recently.
Pride comes before a fall.
If I were to compare, the falls that I experienced are nothing at all. But they're significant to me - because I grew up surrounded by compliments and praises. These words have shaped me, and my confidence are built up depending on these. I looked down on failures, because I was always on top of the hill. I believed I was that good, and I could master anything if I wanted to. It's like standing on top of a tower and looking at the sky and thinking that I could fly if I want to.
So.. there comes the continuous and repetitive failures in my academic performance, my co-curriculum activities and my social life.
I have never stood on the solid ground looking forward and looking up - if weren't for the falls that God have placed me in. Those were my lessons, lessons of being humble. I don't have to put myself bigger and higher than anybody else, because the only one who is bigger and higher is God Himself.
And during my depressed moments - I had a really close friend that I would say my only close friend in my university period, we've known each other for not long - but the closeness and encouragement is always there. If it weren't for her, I never had the courage to move on.
"It's amazing how God connects people," a colleague told me this, Amen. Never know I would someone like her - she's like a reflection of my mind, it's kind of creepy when we talk, as if she's speaking from my mind, and best of all, God knows I don't have a church of believer-friends to support me in times of need, He placed His people around me, so I can still rely and look for them if I need support.
Failures and downhill of life are just lessons from God - He wants to teach us something more valuable, He wants to tell us that we are not the one in charge of our own life, but He is - He wants to reveal Himself to us - He wants us to know that we can always rely on Him, because through Him, we are strengthened.
And He always want me to know, that He'll never let me stray far from Him. Each and every time when I become lost - He will come back and look for me. I am always found. He is that good.
Dear Heavenly Father, I want to rely on You to change my terrible temper. I am not perfect and I can't do this on my own - but through God, everything is possible. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Pride comes before a fall.
If I were to compare, the falls that I experienced are nothing at all. But they're significant to me - because I grew up surrounded by compliments and praises. These words have shaped me, and my confidence are built up depending on these. I looked down on failures, because I was always on top of the hill. I believed I was that good, and I could master anything if I wanted to. It's like standing on top of a tower and looking at the sky and thinking that I could fly if I want to.
So.. there comes the continuous and repetitive failures in my academic performance, my co-curriculum activities and my social life.
I have never stood on the solid ground looking forward and looking up - if weren't for the falls that God have placed me in. Those were my lessons, lessons of being humble. I don't have to put myself bigger and higher than anybody else, because the only one who is bigger and higher is God Himself.
And during my depressed moments - I had a really close friend that I would say my only close friend in my university period, we've known each other for not long - but the closeness and encouragement is always there. If it weren't for her, I never had the courage to move on.
"It's amazing how God connects people," a colleague told me this, Amen. Never know I would someone like her - she's like a reflection of my mind, it's kind of creepy when we talk, as if she's speaking from my mind, and best of all, God knows I don't have a church of believer-friends to support me in times of need, He placed His people around me, so I can still rely and look for them if I need support.
Failures and downhill of life are just lessons from God - He wants to teach us something more valuable, He wants to tell us that we are not the one in charge of our own life, but He is - He wants to reveal Himself to us - He wants us to know that we can always rely on Him, because through Him, we are strengthened.
And He always want me to know, that He'll never let me stray far from Him. Each and every time when I become lost - He will come back and look for me. I am always found. He is that good.
Dear Heavenly Father, I want to rely on You to change my terrible temper. I am not perfect and I can't do this on my own - but through God, everything is possible. In Jesus Name, Amen.
15.2.12
最美麗的情人節
最美麗的情人節夜晚… 是一杯熱奶茶，和一個最棒的伴侶；
讓人可以安心舒服地述說着每一天的大小事、
七情上面舞動拳頭地談著讓人氣憤不平的事、
快樂單純地談着關於夢想和未來的事；
還有那種在其他人面前都可以隱藏得很好的悲傷和低落
來到親愛的你面前，什麼假面都融化無跡
對你，心就是可以如此地坦蕩赤裸
TT___TT
然後
擦乾滿臉的淚之後
一切又變得很美好很幸福了。 :)
讓人可以安心舒服地述說着每一天的大小事、
七情上面舞動拳頭地談著讓人氣憤不平的事、
快樂單純地談着關於夢想和未來的事；
還有那種在其他人面前都可以隱藏得很好的悲傷和低落
來到親愛的你面前，什麼假面都融化無跡
對你，心就是可以如此地坦蕩赤裸
TT___TT
然後
擦乾滿臉的淚之後
一切又變得很美好很幸福了。 :)
10.2.12
一個月
距離上一篇日誌有一個月的時間了。
我知道，當自己不寫日誌的時候，不是無暇，也不是沒有想法。
只是、我自己不敢面對自己的時候的表現。
所以不想整理自己的靈魂。
不想做的事情，通常都是必須做的事情。
思緒必須處理，靈魂也必須被治療。
眼淚，我也只能濕濕熱熱地感受。
一個月，不長不短。
農曆新年就這樣過去了。
我們沒有像往常一樣，元宵節在家裡圍爐。
我們在外頭吃火鍋。我們僅四口。
爸爸存在的記憶，已經開始離我們遠了幾公分。
而且那將會漸遠、漸遠。
心很酸，但我也不能怎麼樣。
家裡少訂了兩份報紙。
家裡再也沒有人一天看三四份報紙的了。
我們家現在的舊報紙疊大概需要兩個月的時間才會疊到像以前兩個星期的高度。
家裡有一點不一樣。
可是我想我們適應得很好。
爸爸的座位、慣用的東西，還在那裡。
桌子上的大計算機、爸爸的手機、手錶、日曆（我們替換了2012年的）、五格小抽屜組、爸爸新摘下的剪報（最新的是2011年10月18日的）、訂閱的雜誌（前天才收到最新的）、筆筒。爸爸椅子上專用的青色座墊及座布。還有我們沒有碰過的、靠牆邊、椅子後脹滿厚重的黑色公事包。廁所裡爸爸用的剃須刀上，還留著一點點皮膚屑。還有爸爸用的小梳、牙刷與牙線。還有衣櫥裡的衣服。還有幾個書櫃的書本和文件。
只是這些都染上了一層塵。
我依稀還可以聽見您每晚在座位上翻報的聲音；偶爾參雜著哈欠和自言自語，
伴著舊直立風扇微沉半平穩的轉動聲，還有您坐上和離開那椅子所發出的咯吱聲。
現在又突然想起幾個月前，我和母親在抹那把較新的直立風扇，裝回去之後就不動了，我倆還擔心著會被爸罵我們弄壞了他買的風扇--可是那天爸爸沒有罵我們，說那把風扇已經很多毛病了，所以爸就換了那把有點毛病但還可以用的舊直立風扇。
這一個月，就是如此的零散凌亂。
我知道，當自己不寫日誌的時候，不是無暇，也不是沒有想法。
只是、我自己不敢面對自己的時候的表現。
所以不想整理自己的靈魂。
不想做的事情，通常都是必須做的事情。
思緒必須處理，靈魂也必須被治療。
眼淚，我也只能濕濕熱熱地感受。
一個月，不長不短。
農曆新年就這樣過去了。
我們沒有像往常一樣，元宵節在家裡圍爐。
我們在外頭吃火鍋。我們僅四口。
爸爸存在的記憶，已經開始離我們遠了幾公分。
而且那將會漸遠、漸遠。
心很酸，但我也不能怎麼樣。
家裡少訂了兩份報紙。
家裡再也沒有人一天看三四份報紙的了。
我們家現在的舊報紙疊大概需要兩個月的時間才會疊到像以前兩個星期的高度。
家裡有一點不一樣。
可是我想我們適應得很好。
爸爸的座位、慣用的東西，還在那裡。
桌子上的大計算機、爸爸的手機、手錶、日曆（我們替換了2012年的）、五格小抽屜組、爸爸新摘下的剪報（最新的是2011年10月18日的）、訂閱的雜誌（前天才收到最新的）、筆筒。爸爸椅子上專用的青色座墊及座布。還有我們沒有碰過的、靠牆邊、椅子後脹滿厚重的黑色公事包。廁所裡爸爸用的剃須刀上，還留著一點點皮膚屑。還有爸爸用的小梳、牙刷與牙線。還有衣櫥裡的衣服。還有幾個書櫃的書本和文件。
只是這些都染上了一層塵。
我依稀還可以聽見您每晚在座位上翻報的聲音；偶爾參雜著哈欠和自言自語，
伴著舊直立風扇微沉半平穩的轉動聲，還有您坐上和離開那椅子所發出的咯吱聲。
現在又突然想起幾個月前，我和母親在抹那把較新的直立風扇，裝回去之後就不動了，我倆還擔心著會被爸罵我們弄壞了他買的風扇--可是那天爸爸沒有罵我們，說那把風扇已經很多毛病了，所以爸就換了那把有點毛病但還可以用的舊直立風扇。
這一個月，就是如此的零散凌亂。
10.1.12
2012 Resolutions | 續序2012
2011年主題為“亂中帶序”，今年想繼續維持一定的秩序與規律，所以命為“續序”。
二十五歲了，想趕在二十九歲以前做一些能讓自己自豪一輩子的事，人生的十年我已過了兩個，而第三個十年一點也不遠，所以必須加倍珍惜每一年每一天。
新年目標我定下了十一項：
細說各項：
二十五歲了，想趕在二十九歲以前做一些能讓自己自豪一輩子的事，人生的十年我已過了兩個，而第三個十年一點也不遠，所以必須加倍珍惜每一年每一天。
新年目標我定下了十一項：
- Live in God
- Become a better person
- Become a better daughter/sister
- 自我溝通
- Exercise
- Financial Planning
- To drive more often
- Reading
- Revise basic Nihongo and Hangul
- Lefty's Training
- ll-m
細說各項：
| 1 | Live in God |
| i | attend church/lifechurch |
| ii | read bible |
| through youversion's reading plans, online bible | |
| through revising and memorizing verses | |
| iii | childlike faith |
| keep praying | |
| never give up, never lose hope |
| 2 | Become a better person |
| (as an individual) | |
| i | be diligent |
| ii | be confident |
| iii | be understanding |
| 3 | Become a better daughter/sister |
| (as a family member) | |
| i | help with family matters |
| ii | help to do chores |
| iii | help with cooking |
| iv | be caring |
| v | be patient |
| 4 | 自我溝通 |
| (through different means of expression) | |
| i | express and communicate with self |
| through writing, drawing, shooting etc | |
| ii | get myself a DSLR |
| 5 | Exercise |
| i | do stretching daily: make a daily stretching plan |
| ii | be able to touch the ground |
| iii | get a pair of running/sports shoes |
| 6 | Financial Planning |
| i | plan expenses/loan/savings/debt |
| ii | stick with the plan |
| 7 | To drive more often | ||||||||
| 8 | Reading | ||||||||
| i | finish 7 books |
| 9 | Revise basic Nihongo and Hangul |
| i | be able to read nihongo smoothly |
| ii | recognize some basic kanji |
| iii | learn some basic phrases |
| iv | be able to recognize hangul vowels and consonants |
| 10 | Lefty's Training |
| i | brush teeth in the morning |
| ii | weekly doodle/writing |
| 11 | ll-m |
| (showcasing hobbies/(art)works) | |
| i | make plans for ll-m |
31.12.11
二零一一年目標回顧 | 2011 Resolution Review
2011, a year of mixed feelings.
Thank you Lord for all His blessings for me even though I did not deserved them.
I completed 5 out of 11 resolutions that I made, I need to have a clearer idea on what I want to do in the coming year.
1. Relationship with God. = Success =
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditioned love and patience for me, please discipline me and teach me to put You first in everything I do.
- first thing in the morning, pray to God
- attends life church and talk-it-over discussions
-complete Youversion reading plan by May 2011
= I did not pray in the mornings consistently, but my faith has grown stronger than ever - I kept making this prayer few years back to God to strengthen my faith, and now He made my faith strong.
= I did not attend Lifechurch consistently, especially during the last quarter of the year, I did not attend even once. But God gave me a strong push in going to a physical church.
= Completed Youversion reading plan in May 2011.
2. Writing.= Success =
There are voices in my mind 24/7. They never shut up and sometimes I lose control of my emotions and feel very bipolar. I'm sorry that I'm unstable.
- jot down/take pic of important things
- organize my messy thoughts
= I am picking this habit back again, around the month of October, since father was in the hospital.
3. Exercise.= Failed =
Exercise helps to balance brain chemicals. Besides staying healthy, it helps to maintain my 'healthy' mood, so I will have less unstable times.
- jogging and/or swimming every weekend, 1 - 2 time(s)
- basic stretching
- wants to be able to bend over and touch the ground
= My old sports shoes doesn't work well anymore, so I stopped jogging.
= I did not do much stretching and I still can't touch the ground without bending my knees.
= I've gained 2kg of weight, grown fatter around the tummy/waist/buttock area.
4. Reading. = Success =
Reading keeps me focused and ponder on some thoughts. I seriously need to relearn how to focus and concentrate.
-Finish "1Q84" (book 1 & 2) by Murakami Haruki
-NEW: Finish "1Q84" (book 3) by Murakami Haruki
- Finish "艺术治疗" by Dr. Shaun McNiff
-Finish Phil Yeh's and Chin Yew's Comics
= I haven't finish Dr. Shaun McNiff's 藝術治療, but I considered this a success because I've been reading something everyday as a habit already.
= Read mangas online, I am too lazy to list down the titles.
= Read 1Q84 (Book 1-3) by 村上春樹, Phil Yeh and Chin Yew's graphic novels, 廚房by 吉本芭娜娜，Peacemaker Kurogane Vol.1-5 (manga), Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always (graphic novel).
= Currently still reading 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff / 徐志摩詩集 / Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan
5. Train my left hand. = Failed =
Due to less-than-severe-but-not-light injury from repetitive strain on my right hand/arm/颈椎, I would really want to put less strain on my right hand by training my left hand to do certain simple activities. It's good for the brain too.
- brush teeth
- write
- doodle
= I learnt how to brush my teeth with my left hand, but not writing and doodling. But I'm glad that the arm is not hurting soooo much already.
6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files. = Failed =
Workspace and the environment reflects your mind state. This has been on my to-do list like... for years. *guilty and embarassed* Yeah I have a very messy state of mind. I need to do something about it, the aim is to be “乱中有序” (luan4 zhong1 you3 xu4)，which means it seems messy but in fact there are certain rules/discipline to it, this has been my “座右铭” (zuo4 you4 ming2，motto) since high school.
Areas:
- workspace
- wardrobe
- bookcase(s)
- room desk
- room shelves
Digital Files and Non-digital Files:
- back up important files
- arrange them in appropriate folders and location
- Photos: upload.
= Although I did some cleaning up, but it's still not enough to tick all the above off.
7. Draw. = Failed =
I wonder why I almost put this last.
- Paint something digitally.
- Clean up my dA deviations.
= I almost wanted to put a success until I read what I typed: paint something digitally and cleaning up dA deviations. I did not 'paint' something digitally, and I left my dA as it was, besides uploaded some traditional works once in a while.
8. Revise Japanese Language.= Failed =
- just wanna be able to read hiragana and katakana without any difficulty
= I revised but slacked off since the 3rd quarter of the year.
9. ll-m. = Failed =
No clear plans on this yet, but I will try.
= I still don't know what I want to do with this. Swt.
10. Graduate and earn money. = Success =
Does this count? But I really wanna graduate very badly.
This is vague but yeah, regardless of full-time or part-time job, earn a decent amount of money then pay my own debts and give money to parents.
= Haven't pay all the debts - but I graduated and earned some money. Just that I couldn't gave it to my papa anymore, but I still have my lovely mama to give.
11. Drive to places. = Success =
If you see a driver that annoys you so much that you can't stop honking and pressure her, that's probably me. Sorry, I very noob, please forgive me, but I really have to learn to drive to places by myself. T_T
.= I drove to places, but still not very good in recognizing roads and directions. A good start, and a good experience of a minor accident and making a police report and claiming insurance.
Thank you Lord for all His blessings for me even though I did not deserved them.
I completed 5 out of 11 resolutions that I made, I need to have a clearer idea on what I want to do in the coming year.
1. Relationship with God. = Success =
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditioned love and patience for me, please discipline me and teach me to put You first in everything I do.
- first thing in the morning, pray to God
- attends life church and talk-it-over discussions
-
= I did not pray in the mornings consistently, but my faith has grown stronger than ever - I kept making this prayer few years back to God to strengthen my faith, and now He made my faith strong.
= I did not attend Lifechurch consistently, especially during the last quarter of the year, I did not attend even once. But God gave me a strong push in going to a physical church.
= Completed Youversion reading plan in May 2011.
2. Writing.= Success =
There are voices in my mind 24/7. They never shut up and sometimes I lose control of my emotions and feel very bipolar. I'm sorry that I'm unstable.
- jot down/take pic of important things
- organize my messy thoughts
= I am picking this habit back again, around the month of October, since father was in the hospital.
3. Exercise.= Failed =
Exercise helps to balance brain chemicals. Besides staying healthy, it helps to maintain my 'healthy' mood, so I will have less unstable times.
- jogging and/or swimming every weekend, 1 - 2 time(s)
- basic stretching
- wants to be able to bend over and touch the ground
= My old sports shoes doesn't work well anymore, so I stopped jogging.
= I did not do much stretching and I still can't touch the ground without bending my knees.
= I've gained 2kg of weight, grown fatter around the tummy/waist/buttock area.
4. Reading. = Success =
Reading keeps me focused and ponder on some thoughts. I seriously need to relearn how to focus and concentrate.
-
-
- Finish "艺术治疗" by Dr. Shaun McNiff
-
= I haven't finish Dr. Shaun McNiff's 藝術治療, but I considered this a success because I've been reading something everyday as a habit already.
= Read mangas online, I am too lazy to list down the titles.
= Read 1Q84 (Book 1-3) by 村上春樹, Phil Yeh and Chin Yew's graphic novels, 廚房by 吉本芭娜娜，Peacemaker Kurogane Vol.1-5 (manga), Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always (graphic novel).
= Currently still reading 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff / 徐志摩詩集 / Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan
5. Train my left hand. = Failed =
Due to less-than-severe-but-not-light injury from repetitive strain on my right hand/arm/颈椎, I would really want to put less strain on my right hand by training my left hand to do certain simple activities. It's good for the brain too.
- brush teeth
- write
- doodle
= I learnt how to brush my teeth with my left hand, but not writing and doodling. But I'm glad that the arm is not hurting soooo much already.
6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files. = Failed =
Workspace and the environment reflects your mind state. This has been on my to-do list like... for years. *guilty and embarassed* Yeah I have a very messy state of mind. I need to do something about it, the aim is to be “乱中有序” (luan4 zhong1 you3 xu4)，which means it seems messy but in fact there are certain rules/discipline to it, this has been my “座右铭” (zuo4 you4 ming2，motto) since high school.
Areas:
- workspace
- wardrobe
- bookcase(s)
- room desk
- room shelves
Digital Files and Non-digital Files:
- back up important files
- arrange them in appropriate folders and location
- Photos: upload.
= Although I did some cleaning up, but it's still not enough to tick all the above off.
7. Draw. = Failed =
I wonder why I almost put this last.
- Paint something digitally.
- Clean up my dA deviations.
= I almost wanted to put a success until I read what I typed: paint something digitally and cleaning up dA deviations. I did not 'paint' something digitally, and I left my dA as it was, besides uploaded some traditional works once in a while.
8. Revise Japanese Language.= Failed =
- just wanna be able to read hiragana and katakana without any difficulty
= I revised but slacked off since the 3rd quarter of the year.
9. ll-m. = Failed =
No clear plans on this yet, but I will try.
= I still don't know what I want to do with this. Swt.
10. Graduate and earn money. = Success =
Does this count? But I really wanna graduate very badly.
This is vague but yeah, regardless of full-time or part-time job, earn a decent amount of money then pay my own debts and give money to parents.
= Haven't pay all the debts - but I graduated and earned some money. Just that I couldn't gave it to my papa anymore, but I still have my lovely mama to give.
11. Drive to places. = Success =
If you see a driver that annoys you so much that you can't stop honking and pressure her, that's probably me. Sorry, I very noob, please forgive me, but I really have to learn to drive to places by myself. T_T
.= I drove to places, but still not very good in recognizing roads and directions. A good start, and a good experience of a minor accident and making a police report and claiming insurance.
30.12.11
十二月份报告 | Monthly Report: December 2011
過得有一點恍惚，有一點不真實。
爸爸離開我們，剛好一個月了。
我從小就是個哭包，想爸爸的時候
就哭了。有時候哭兩分鐘。
有時候哭一個小時。
有時候哭了又止、止了又哭。
不等。
（爸爸不喜歡別人哭。
我不可以哭醬多。）
哥今天寫了一句話
"It's been a month since father's left. We've kept things the same, but somehow they're different now."
再也貼切不過了。
1. Relationship with God.
- Did not attend lifechurch and lifegroup meetings.
- Attended Christmas Eve's gathering at church with bf, God gave him a special gift this Christmas. :)
- Attended church on Christmas day too.
- When I start to distance myself with Him, I easily got caught back in the negative self-pity self. The devil will try to fill in the void inside whenever I let myself become vacant.
4. Reading.
- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff pg.127
- 徐志摩詩集 pg.85
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan pg.15
- and read quite some mangas online that I didn't bother to list down
11. Drive to places.
- 27/12那天，出車禍了，對方車子不讓，所以我撞上去了。大家都說是小意外，可是對方堅持要報警。我被罰了款。也辛苦哥和嫂載我到處跑著處理文件和保險的事，還有浪費很多在警察局等待的時間。第一次車禍，嚇死我了。
明天再貼上一整年目標達成與否的總結。
爸爸離開我們，剛好一個月了。
我從小就是個哭包，想爸爸的時候
就哭了。有時候哭兩分鐘。
有時候哭一個小時。
有時候哭了又止、止了又哭。
不等。
（爸爸不喜歡別人哭。
我不可以哭醬多。）
哥今天寫了一句話
"It's been a month since father's left. We've kept things the same, but somehow they're different now."
再也貼切不過了。
1. Relationship with God.
- Did not attend lifechurch and lifegroup meetings.
- Attended Christmas Eve's gathering at church with bf, God gave him a special gift this Christmas. :)
- Attended church on Christmas day too.
- When I start to distance myself with Him, I easily got caught back in the negative self-pity self. The devil will try to fill in the void inside whenever I let myself become vacant.
4. Reading.
- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff pg.127
- 徐志摩詩集 pg.85
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan pg.15
- and read quite some mangas online that I didn't bother to list down
11. Drive to places.
- 27/12那天，出車禍了，對方車子不讓，所以我撞上去了。大家都說是小意外，可是對方堅持要報警。我被罰了款。也辛苦哥和嫂載我到處跑著處理文件和保險的事，還有浪費很多在警察局等待的時間。第一次車禍，嚇死我了。
明天再貼上一整年目標達成與否的總結。
24.12.11
處理悲傷
十二月四日，只打了以下三行字。
“還是
悲痛。
爸爸，好想好想您。”
------
就沒了。
其實，真的、寫不出來。
文字也解決不了的事。
大概除了埋在枕頭里大哭又大哭
然後哭累了就昏昏睡個十五二十分鐘
就再也沒有其他恢復自己的方法。
從爸爸離開那天到今天
除了把自己弄到累到不行什麼都不想去想的時候
其他的天都哭了。
我想，我只會用這種方式
來處理悲傷。
其實以為過了很久很久
以為爸爸不在身邊的日子過了很久很久
也拖了這篇日誌很久很久
那天才發現
原來爸爸離開
只有三個星期啊
我拖著拖著時間
算算今天，爸爸離開
也不到一個月。
冬至剛過。
雖然家人都沒有說為什麼今年決定在外邊圍爐
可是我想
我們都眀瞭
不在家裡做大日子
也是不想為彼此鋪上一層厚厚的霜
以前爸爸媽媽總是一起負責買火鍋料
爸爸總是會買過多的火鍋料
媽媽總是會嫌太多
還有好吃的白斬雞，吃不完的雞肉會拿來炒潮州雞
爸爸都很喜歡吃的。
爸爸每次都會吃很多蒜米辣椒
記得小時候，大日子圍爐
我總是會被點笑穴的
每次都會鬧笑話
總是特別開心
結果我還是邊哭邊打了這些字。
爸爸的農曆和陽曆生日都快到了。
年也要來了。
爸爸，我工作了。
爸爸生前總是不讓人為他分擔他所操心的事
離開後也不讓我們有太多要操心的事
重要的，爸爸都整理出來了。
------
剛剛處理完一堆眼淚鼻涕。
還好不是用紙和筆寫的
不然紙張濕透了都還沒寫些什麼出來。
“還是
悲痛。
爸爸，好想好想您。”
------
就沒了。
其實，真的、寫不出來。
文字也解決不了的事。
大概除了埋在枕頭里大哭又大哭
然後哭累了就昏昏睡個十五二十分鐘
就再也沒有其他恢復自己的方法。
從爸爸離開那天到今天
除了把自己弄到累到不行什麼都不想去想的時候
其他的天都哭了。
我想，我只會用這種方式
來處理悲傷。
其實以為過了很久很久
以為爸爸不在身邊的日子過了很久很久
也拖了這篇日誌很久很久
那天才發現
原來爸爸離開
只有三個星期啊
我拖著拖著時間
算算今天，爸爸離開
也不到一個月。
冬至剛過。
雖然家人都沒有說為什麼今年決定在外邊圍爐
可是我想
我們都眀瞭
不在家裡做大日子
也是不想為彼此鋪上一層厚厚的霜
以前爸爸媽媽總是一起負責買火鍋料
爸爸總是會買過多的火鍋料
媽媽總是會嫌太多
還有好吃的白斬雞，吃不完的雞肉會拿來炒潮州雞
爸爸都很喜歡吃的。
爸爸每次都會吃很多蒜米辣椒
記得小時候，大日子圍爐
我總是會被點笑穴的
每次都會鬧笑話
總是特別開心
結果我還是邊哭邊打了這些字。
爸爸的農曆和陽曆生日都快到了。
年也要來了。
爸爸，我工作了。
爸爸生前總是不讓人為他分擔他所操心的事
離開後也不讓我們有太多要操心的事
重要的，爸爸都整理出來了。
------
剛剛處理完一堆眼淚鼻涕。
還好不是用紙和筆寫的
不然紙張濕透了都還沒寫些什麼出來。
9.12.11
十一月份报告 | Monthly Report: November 2011
時間過得很快，尤其在年齡登上二十的寶座之後。
爸爸在十一月的最後一天離開了。
感謝上帝，financially blessed 了我們一家，感謝上帝願意在我們獻上微不足道的tithe和offering裡，接受了並multiply我們所獻上的，我們一家才能夠擁有如此大的福氣。
也感謝上帝，沒有對我們太狠心……先讓我們稍微適應家裡沒有爸爸的日子，才慢慢讓聖靈進入把拔的心，才慢慢帶走父親，雖然沒有親眼看見天使，但我會不斷地祈求，懇請上帝的天使們繼續守護著父親。
謝謝教友Shaista D以及朋友們的祈禱
謝謝所有教會的親戚朋友不斷地為父親禱告
上帝會賜福與你們。
上帝對我們prayers的回答只有三，那就是“Yes”, “Later” 或 “I have a better plan”
雖然上帝對我們的祈求沒有說“Yes”，可是我們深信上帝會有更好的計劃，
上帝是我們全能的神。
謝謝親愛姐妹們的支持，我很感動；
還有被坤中情聯繫著的朋友，雖然我們不曾很熟絡，
可是你們恰當的問候與支持，很讓人窩心。
1. Relationship with God.
- Did not attend lifechurch nor lifegroup meetings. :(
- Attended church once.
- Been seeing a lot of God's work and God's people at work, and there are many God's people around me.
- He gave me peace and took away my worries.
4. Reading.
- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff
- 徐志摩詩集
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan
爸爸在十一月的最後一天離開了。
感謝上帝，financially blessed 了我們一家，感謝上帝願意在我們獻上微不足道的tithe和offering裡，接受了並multiply我們所獻上的，我們一家才能夠擁有如此大的福氣。
也感謝上帝，沒有對我們太狠心……先讓我們稍微適應家裡沒有爸爸的日子，才慢慢讓聖靈進入把拔的心，才慢慢帶走父親，雖然沒有親眼看見天使，但我會不斷地祈求，懇請上帝的天使們繼續守護著父親。
謝謝教友Shaista D以及朋友們的祈禱
謝謝所有教會的親戚朋友不斷地為父親禱告
上帝會賜福與你們。
上帝對我們prayers的回答只有三，那就是“Yes”, “Later” 或 “I have a better plan”
雖然上帝對我們的祈求沒有說“Yes”，可是我們深信上帝會有更好的計劃，
上帝是我們全能的神。
謝謝親愛姐妹們的支持，我很感動；
還有被坤中情聯繫著的朋友，雖然我們不曾很熟絡，
可是你們恰當的問候與支持，很讓人窩心。
1. Relationship with God.
- Did not attend lifechurch nor lifegroup meetings. :(
- Attended church once.
- Been seeing a lot of God's work and God's people at work, and there are many God's people around me.
- He gave me peace and took away my worries.
4. Reading.
- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff
- 徐志摩詩集
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan
3.12.11
爸爸不見了
家裡不見了爸爸
家裡有很多爸爸用的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸為我們準備的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸喜歡和辛苦收藏的東西……
家裡有很多從前到現在也列不完的爸爸的東西……
家裡都是爸爸
爸爸不見了
怎麼找爸爸也不在家
聽不見爸爸的聲音
聽不見爸爸那串鎖匙開門的聲音
聽不見爸爸打開文件櫃子的聲音
聽不見爸爸每天閱讀報紙的聲音
聽不見爸爸晚上睡覺打呼的聲音
看不見爸爸的身影
看不見爸爸專心閱報
看不見爸爸吃飯喝湯
看不見爸爸洗澡後的頭髮
被風扇吹著輕輕飄動的柔軟頭髮
可是透過我的眼睛
或者是我們的眼睛
卻還可以清楚看見和聽見
爸爸坐在專屬的位子上看報紙、拆信
爸爸上樓梯、到房間、開衣櫥、拿毛巾洗澡
開電燈開關、關門
那些聲音 我認得
是爸爸的節奏
那些屬於爸爸獨有的節奏
爸爸您真的不在了嗎？
您在家裡的存在感 依然是那麼的強烈
彷彿您只是在家裡的另外一個房間
一個我不在那裡的房間
每一個角落都感受到爸爸
每一角落都有爸爸……
我卻在哪一個角落
都找不著爸爸
-----
對新事兒的熱誠
也突然減低了許多
本來新事兒讓我興奮
因為我正準備在您好起來的時候
跟你分享我的新事兒
我知道您一定會有意見
我想我也會知道您的想法
您一定會鼓勵我、支持我
您總是對我選擇面對人、與人相處的事兒
抱著鼓勵和支持的態度
我想听您親口對我說
我很想聽您親口對我說
可是爸爸您不見了
所以什麼也聽不到了
新事兒也不新鮮了
爸爸不見了
家裡有很多爸爸用的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸為我們準備的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸喜歡和辛苦收藏的東西……
家裡有很多從前到現在也列不完的爸爸的東西……
家裡都是爸爸
爸爸不見了
怎麼找爸爸也不在家
聽不見爸爸的聲音
聽不見爸爸那串鎖匙開門的聲音
聽不見爸爸打開文件櫃子的聲音
聽不見爸爸每天閱讀報紙的聲音
聽不見爸爸晚上睡覺打呼的聲音
看不見爸爸的身影
看不見爸爸專心閱報
看不見爸爸吃飯喝湯
看不見爸爸洗澡後的頭髮
被風扇吹著輕輕飄動的柔軟頭髮
可是透過我的眼睛
或者是我們的眼睛
卻還可以清楚看見和聽見
爸爸坐在專屬的位子上看報紙、拆信
爸爸上樓梯、到房間、開衣櫥、拿毛巾洗澡
開電燈開關、關門
那些聲音 我認得
是爸爸的節奏
那些屬於爸爸獨有的節奏
爸爸您真的不在了嗎？
您在家裡的存在感 依然是那麼的強烈
彷彿您只是在家裡的另外一個房間
一個我不在那裡的房間
每一個角落都感受到爸爸
每一角落都有爸爸……
我卻在哪一個角落
都找不著爸爸
-----
對新事兒的熱誠
也突然減低了許多
本來新事兒讓我興奮
因為我正準備在您好起來的時候
跟你分享我的新事兒
我知道您一定會有意見
我想我也會知道您的想法
您一定會鼓勵我、支持我
您總是對我選擇面對人、與人相處的事兒
抱著鼓勵和支持的態度
我想听您親口對我說
我很想聽您親口對我說
可是爸爸您不見了
所以什麼也聽不到了
新事兒也不新鮮了
爸爸不見了
22.11.11
谷底的心
心
跌落到谷底去了。
沒想到自己會那麼在意
在意得除了覺得低落
什麼也提不起勁了。
心
跌落到谷底去了。
是不是只有我一個被留下？
我在意得差點可以邊走邊哭
貢茶也不想喝了。
心
跌落到谷底去了。
原來在這種時候
我是那麼地依賴
那麼地依賴這新事兒
依賴新事兒
可以暫且忘掉
每天都得想起的難過
所以日子好像變得沒那麼難過了。
可是心
還是跌落到谷底去了。
新事兒好像不太需要我
可是我還需要自己
所以只好等待
在谷底的心
慢慢地攀爬上來。
跌落到谷底去了。
沒想到自己會那麼在意
在意得除了覺得低落
什麼也提不起勁了。
心
跌落到谷底去了。
是不是只有我一個被留下？
我在意得差點可以邊走邊哭
貢茶也不想喝了。
心
跌落到谷底去了。
原來在這種時候
我是那麼地依賴
那麼地依賴這新事兒
依賴新事兒
可以暫且忘掉
每天都得想起的難過
所以日子好像變得沒那麼難過了。
可是心
還是跌落到谷底去了。
新事兒好像不太需要我
可是我還需要自己
所以只好等待
在谷底的心
慢慢地攀爬上來。
7.11.11
十月份报告 | Monthly Report: October 2011
Things happened.
I'm trying to cope with it by searching for a job, in hope that when he recovers, I could tell him I'm happily working in some company already. He had seen me doing nothing at home after I completed my studies. I think this used to worried him. I'm trying to make up for things - although I'm not sure how. I even thought that maybe it was because that I wanted to run away from problems, so I kept myself busy with my job. But I think it's not really running away, it's just that I wanted to do something, than to see him suffer and couldn't help.
Hope is getting vague each day. But I still want to believe, things happen for a reason, and us being in the situation can't see the big picture yet. So I want to keep on believing, no matter how impossible it may seem, because God is infinite. I believe in miracles, and I want to witness the miracle. I will keep on believing in the most impossible, because God can make everything possible.
1. Relationship with God.
- Attended twice of church online sermons for the first two weeks.
4. Reading.
- Read Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always, graphic novel adaptation.
5. Train my left hand.
For brushing teeth and petty little things occasionally, because my right hand's aching doesn't occur so often anymore.
I'm trying to cope with it by searching for a job, in hope that when he recovers, I could tell him I'm happily working in some company already. He had seen me doing nothing at home after I completed my studies. I think this used to worried him. I'm trying to make up for things - although I'm not sure how. I even thought that maybe it was because that I wanted to run away from problems, so I kept myself busy with my job. But I think it's not really running away, it's just that I wanted to do something, than to see him suffer and couldn't help.
Hope is getting vague each day. But I still want to believe, things happen for a reason, and us being in the situation can't see the big picture yet. So I want to keep on believing, no matter how impossible it may seem, because God is infinite. I believe in miracles, and I want to witness the miracle. I will keep on believing in the most impossible, because God can make everything possible.
1. Relationship with God.
- Attended twice of church online sermons for the first two weeks.
4. Reading.
- Read Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always, graphic novel adaptation.
5. Train my left hand.
For brushing teeth and petty little things occasionally, because my right hand's aching doesn't occur so often anymore.
15.10.11
九月份报告 | Monthly Report: September 2011
Sorry I've forgotten to publish this. Not much things done.
1. Relationship with God.
- Missed church online.
- Completed "Major Events" reading plan on Youversion
4. Reading.
- Dr. Shaun McNiff's "艺术治疗" (Art as Medicine), at pg 111. (9 pages this month, swt)
- Been reading Peacemaker manga I've bought very long ago (2005), vol. 1 to 5.
5. Train my left hand.
Only used it for brushing teeth occasionally.
6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.
Slowly progressing.
1. Relationship with God.
- Missed church online.
- Completed "Major Events" reading plan on Youversion
4. Reading.
- Dr. Shaun McNiff's "艺术治疗" (Art as Medicine), at pg 111. (9 pages this month, swt)
- Been reading Peacemaker manga I've bought very long ago (2005), vol. 1 to 5.
5. Train my left hand.
Only used it for brushing teeth occasionally.
6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.
Slowly progressing.
2.10.11
巨人不要倒下
我心中的巨人
倔强忠直的巨人
我爱戴又敬畏的巨人
何时开始憔悴的倦容
何时开始微驼的双肩
何时开始的不稳的步伐
我们都看在眼里了
我又能做什么
亲爱的
我连心疼
也无法在你面前表露出来
也不敢在你面前表露出来
我大概一辈子也不懂得如何忍着不让眼泪掉下
所以宁愿不表露
但不表露不代表不在乎
我们的心焦虑还疼着
亲爱的巨人，请您不要倒下
永远也不要倒下
巨人不要倒下
我的巨人不可以倒下……
倔强忠直的巨人
我爱戴又敬畏的巨人
何时开始憔悴的倦容
何时开始微驼的双肩
何时开始的不稳的步伐
我们都看在眼里了
我又能做什么
亲爱的
我连心疼
也无法在你面前表露出来
也不敢在你面前表露出来
我大概一辈子也不懂得如何忍着不让眼泪掉下
所以宁愿不表露
但不表露不代表不在乎
我们的心焦虑还疼着
亲爱的巨人，请您不要倒下
永远也不要倒下
巨人不要倒下
我的巨人不可以倒下……
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