It has never changed -- even after a decade long -- it seems to have gone worse as time passes by, I think I have given up on any little hope that I have left trying to change it.
I think I just need to accept that, some things really doesn't change. It just is.
I can't remember how many times I have blamed myself for all the things that turned out extremely unpleasant.
It's my fault.
I didn't try hard enough.
I am not good enough.
I am not what I thought I were.
I am not the great person as I thought I can be.
Poisoned thoughts -- they still haunt me.
It's very difficult having to put on different faces in different situations. I believe everything about me is real -- but I don't know, perhaps no other person thinks that way except myself.
For things that cannot be changed -- I can only change myself.
I needed to accept the unpleasant is in fact -- pretty much impossible to change (at least... not in a decade.. or in the decades to come) -- so that way I can use the energy I originally placed on changing the unpleasant to changing myself instead.
I just need to accept it.
21.10.15
8.4.15
What have I become of
Shouldn't my body become lighter
But why are these weights pulling me lower?
Shouldn't my mind become clearer
But why is decision-making giving me fear?
Shouldn't my heart be filled with joy
But why is the arrival of the Day making me dread?
In the end
What exactly have I become of
But why are these weights pulling me lower?
Shouldn't my mind become clearer
But why is decision-making giving me fear?
Shouldn't my heart be filled with joy
But why is the arrival of the Day making me dread?
In the end
What exactly have I become of
19.3.15
I am an introvert.
A search on the dictionary gave me this:
I identify myself as an introvert at a young age - but being an introvert isn't something to be proud of back then. I had even once doubted that maybe I wasn't actually an introvert - because at times I don't feel "extremely shy" but I even enjoyed performing or speaking in public at some point. But I am still an introvert. Being introverted is not about being unable to deliver or express something in front of people. (Side note: I am still a shy person regardless.)
I am an introvert - whether at times I may or may not look like one. Introverts do enjoy talking and mingling with people - just not all the time. There's another thing that I would like to mention which is regarding personal space. I suppose this is not an introvert-only thing, but I just wanted to highlight that introverts probably treasure personal space a bit more than extroverts. Some extrovert friends would tell me they'd feel bored and lonely when there's no one in the house, so they would ask their friends to hang out with them. But I suppose this is different for the introverts. I'd be more than happy to enjoy this expanded solitude and doesn't have to share the space with anyone else. Of course, I would still enjoy a good small company of my closest friends and family - but that doesn't mean that I don't need my personal space, it's just that I don't need that wide a distance of my personal space compared to strangers or acquaintances.
I am writing this because it's been a while since I actually ponder on what kind of person I am. Being an introvert is not something new to me, but yet it is so important for me to remind myself that the things I do and the things I felt are not something out of character (read: gone crazy). This is one of the ways to tell that I am thinking and trying to organize my thoughts.
introvertI actually feel pretty happy to know that in recent years, people have been talking about how being an introvert isn't a negative thing - such as, introverts just enjoy some lone time by ourselves just like how extroverts enjoy socializing with friends. It's not entirely like an anti-social or a shy behaviour.
a person concerned primarily with inner thoughts and feelings rather than with the physical or social environment.
I identify myself as an introvert at a young age - but being an introvert isn't something to be proud of back then. I had even once doubted that maybe I wasn't actually an introvert - because at times I don't feel "extremely shy" but I even enjoyed performing or speaking in public at some point. But I am still an introvert. Being introverted is not about being unable to deliver or express something in front of people. (Side note: I am still a shy person regardless.)
I am an introvert - whether at times I may or may not look like one. Introverts do enjoy talking and mingling with people - just not all the time. There's another thing that I would like to mention which is regarding personal space. I suppose this is not an introvert-only thing, but I just wanted to highlight that introverts probably treasure personal space a bit more than extroverts. Some extrovert friends would tell me they'd feel bored and lonely when there's no one in the house, so they would ask their friends to hang out with them. But I suppose this is different for the introverts. I'd be more than happy to enjoy this expanded solitude and doesn't have to share the space with anyone else. Of course, I would still enjoy a good small company of my closest friends and family - but that doesn't mean that I don't need my personal space, it's just that I don't need that wide a distance of my personal space compared to strangers or acquaintances.
I am writing this because it's been a while since I actually ponder on what kind of person I am. Being an introvert is not something new to me, but yet it is so important for me to remind myself that the things I do and the things I felt are not something out of character (read: gone crazy). This is one of the ways to tell that I am thinking and trying to organize my thoughts.
17.2.15
跨前一小步
好一阵子没有发新帖，这是好事、也是件坏事。
好事——因为已经告诉自己不用再狠心地仔细记载一些不愉快的事情。总不想回顾的时候…… 就只有满满地负能量。我自己也会犯错啊，我也不想因为自己的失误，而让别人只记得我的不好，把我的错失记下来“遗臭万年”。
至于坏事——向来我是一个很内向的人，涂涂写写其实就是我整理自己的方式。除了没有在这里记载一些不愉快的事情，还有一个小心结莫过于因为我一直处在一个模糊的状况中。那种犹豫、不明确、不坚定、漂浮的感觉，大概都是缠绕我最久、影响我最多的感觉。加上许久没有涂涂写写了，找朋友聊聊也是达不到涂涂写写的整理效果。
虽然说，我不想再记载不愉快的事情，准确一些应该是我不要记下别人如何使我生气的事情，以及记下别人的过错。至于自己使自己不愉快的时候…… 其实还有很多。也是出于习惯，自己忧郁的时候…… 我就来了。
执着和坚持是什么东西？
我其实并没有那不害怕别人眼光和接受各样批评的勇气。
成长，会让自己改变一些稚气的想法。
常常会有人说：“不要管别人说什么，尽管做你要做的事吧！开心就好！”
真的吗？真的可以不需要管吗？
我认为，成长的其中一环，就是当我们开始会顾及别人的感受，为自己的行为所造成的后果承担责任。因此我也会去想为何此人会不认同我的行为、或是为何我的举动会让别人反感。艰难的是要在这些顾及里头，辨别出何时进退、何时顺从、何时不理会。中庸是一门我还没有掌握的学问，所以我很容易就昏头昏脑了（然后自个儿纳闷流泪）。
农历新年去旧迎新的意义对我来说最重要。每当想起农历新年和古时希伯来人的逾越节有着那么多相同之处，还是会让我会心一笑。我们的文化其实没有离袮很远哪。送旧迎新的农历新年，仿佛才像是真正地过了一年，2014进入2015年，其实我也没有太深的感触。至于今年的农历新年…… 我想我会抱着很不一样的心情。
确实就象在前头提过的…… 嗯，我是带着有点忧郁的复杂心情……
有些事情就是突然间就发生了啊——我其实没有抱怨，虽然一收到消息难免还是会惊讶得不知所措，但是心底知道这是迟早会发生的事，只是我这种慢吞吞的人，大概也不会主动采取一些什么太勇敢的行动；而且，我觉得这是上帝给我的回答——对于我之前一直在祈求的事。
脑袋漂浮在云里的那个我，大概一点都不觉得这是一件坏事，倒是松了一口气。
但脚踏在地上的那个我，就会觉得这是一件很糟的事，身边的亲人也会这样觉得吧。
自从自己的青春渐渐流逝的时候，背负的担子也不知不觉越来越多，要在理想(ideal)和踏实(practical)之间找一个平衡点所需的冒险精神和勇气，就变得越来越大。因为年纪越大，跌倒再站起来的代价也就相对的提高——因为生活并不是你自己一个人的。
感恩的是，我知道这条路上我并不孤单，虽然我也不怎么知道自己现在站在哪里，还有以后要走往哪里，可是我就还是会相信那个脑袋漂浮在云里的我吧。亲爱的，虽然我自己是认为自己并不属于那两个极端——现实主义和理想主义（因为我是悲观主义的……），而我在你（和其他人）面前总是一副很不可靠、懦弱无能的样子；我也试着告诉你“理想主义”其实和“坚守原则”是两回不一样的事，可是我就好像没有证明出一些什么东西来，我成了那个空口说白话的理想主义者。不晓得你有没有发现，如果我被至亲泼了一大缸的冷水，我是很有可能就马上打退堂鼓的人。但心底的压抑，就不是像水那样泼了就没有了的情绪——它会渐渐像浆糊般的乌云那样粘附着，然后胆小的我就越来越忧郁……
我知道，改变是必须的。
这个农历新年，我的复杂心情就是这样。虽然我看不见，我也没有很多时间，但我也只能够一小步一小步地往前跨，也不知道要往哪里跨，可能要走很多步之后，才会发现这是一条路。
最后，恭祝羊年快乐、步步高升！
24.11.14
關於膽小鬼
“Because I am a coward.”
那天，我和阿鳶聊了起來，我們彼此都說了這樣的話。
話說回頭，我們聊到了寫作——就只是那種寫寫東西、作作故事那樣的寫作。我想我們倆其實都是喜歡寫作的。因為我們都喜歡思考——左思右想、上考下量——思考之後呢就是沒有什麼很大的結論，但就是透過這樣的過程，讓自己保持“沒瘋”的狀態，有時還會得到一些什麼，像是暗裡一點微光那樣的啟發。
我相信，不管是什麼樣的表達方式，就一定會從中透露出一些關於作者的性格。
我向阿鳶提到了兩位知名作家，其中一位是前些陣子不斷出現在我面子書首頁的作家。他是早期有朋友向我推薦過的作家，但友人對我欣賞的另一位作家作了（無心的）批評，我由於為人很小氣，所以當時很在意，也就故意不看這位他推薦的作家作品。後來便發現這位作家人氣直升，朋友圈子裡頭也有不少人喜歡他和他的作品。我還是沒有很留意，不過因為不時會有一些朋友的網絡連結，讓我看過作者的面子書文章和一些部落格的帖子。那種在字行間流露出一點點的自大，我敏感細膩的心不能適應。
另一位與阿鳶提起的作家，就是被友人無意批評過、我欣賞的作家。開始看他的作品是在高中的時候。有一次鄰座同學在巴士上撿到了一本書，就問我要不要看，我就看到了這位作家的名字，就興致勃勃地借來看了。我和這位作家的“緣分”就是這樣開始的。說實話，有些作品，就是我也不懂為什麼自己會繼續看他的作品。一些作品，我其實也不太喜歡一些有爭議性課題被放大來寫。但是作者的文筆（包括譯者的文字），還是吸引了我。
阿鳶說，對呀沒錯，文字間會流露出作者性格。
阿鳶一說我才發現，吸引我的不全然是作品本身，而是作者平穩不做作的語調。後來在採訪文章裡發現作者有規律和低調的生活方式時，我欽佩。他的生活就跟從他的文字裡流露出來的一樣啊。
阿鳶繼續說，所以我不敢寫，因為我是個膽小鬼。恐怕一寫了就把自己坦蕩蕩地展示出來了。
我說，我內向，想說的一肚子話也不敢面對面與別人好好地說，我也是個膽小鬼，不敢說，所以我才用寫的。
寫與不寫，我們都是膽小鬼啊。
其實，我也快變得跟你一樣的膽小鬼了阿鳶，因為我好些陣子沒寫了，想不通的事一堆，我都沒寫出來，因為我也膽小害怕。
但今天，托你的福，我把這篇整理出來了。
謝謝你，阿鳶，其實啊我一直都覺得你很勇敢。
那天，我和阿鳶聊了起來，我們彼此都說了這樣的話。
話說回頭，我們聊到了寫作——就只是那種寫寫東西、作作故事那樣的寫作。我想我們倆其實都是喜歡寫作的。因為我們都喜歡思考——左思右想、上考下量——思考之後呢就是沒有什麼很大的結論，但就是透過這樣的過程，讓自己保持“沒瘋”的狀態，有時還會得到一些什麼，像是暗裡一點微光那樣的啟發。
我相信，不管是什麼樣的表達方式，就一定會從中透露出一些關於作者的性格。
我向阿鳶提到了兩位知名作家，其中一位是前些陣子不斷出現在我面子書首頁的作家。他是早期有朋友向我推薦過的作家，但友人對我欣賞的另一位作家作了（無心的）批評，我由於為人很小氣，所以當時很在意，也就故意不看這位他推薦的作家作品。後來便發現這位作家人氣直升，朋友圈子裡頭也有不少人喜歡他和他的作品。我還是沒有很留意，不過因為不時會有一些朋友的網絡連結，讓我看過作者的面子書文章和一些部落格的帖子。那種在字行間流露出一點點的自大，我敏感細膩的心不能適應。
另一位與阿鳶提起的作家，就是被友人無意批評過、我欣賞的作家。開始看他的作品是在高中的時候。有一次鄰座同學在巴士上撿到了一本書，就問我要不要看，我就看到了這位作家的名字，就興致勃勃地借來看了。我和這位作家的“緣分”就是這樣開始的。說實話，有些作品，就是我也不懂為什麼自己會繼續看他的作品。一些作品，我其實也不太喜歡一些有爭議性課題被放大來寫。但是作者的文筆（包括譯者的文字），還是吸引了我。
阿鳶說，對呀沒錯，文字間會流露出作者性格。
阿鳶一說我才發現，吸引我的不全然是作品本身，而是作者平穩不做作的語調。後來在採訪文章裡發現作者有規律和低調的生活方式時，我欽佩。他的生活就跟從他的文字裡流露出來的一樣啊。
阿鳶繼續說，所以我不敢寫，因為我是個膽小鬼。恐怕一寫了就把自己坦蕩蕩地展示出來了。
我說，我內向，想說的一肚子話也不敢面對面與別人好好地說，我也是個膽小鬼，不敢說，所以我才用寫的。
寫與不寫，我們都是膽小鬼啊。
其實，我也快變得跟你一樣的膽小鬼了阿鳶，因為我好些陣子沒寫了，想不通的事一堆，我都沒寫出來，因為我也膽小害怕。
但今天，托你的福，我把這篇整理出來了。
謝謝你，阿鳶，其實啊我一直都覺得你很勇敢。
5.8.14
小整理
又是一個覺得應該告一段落的時候。
想過搬遷自己的窩，
但是處理文字的話，
這裡還是比較方便。
所以我還是在這裡。
但這一次，
我沒有更改部落格的名，
我還是管它叫liliterature，瀝瀝文，
於是旁邊的連結列表上多了個“liliterature, part 1”的類別，
所以從上一篇發的『亮瀝瀝』
就算是瀝瀝文 part 2 的開始吧。
小回顧：
在最近的部落格里，有30篇未發布文章。
想了很多，整理了一會兒，有點不確定，有點膽怯，就收著了。
收著那些立場太強硬的，觀點太執著的，以及對好像真實的事情充滿懷疑態度的。
瀝瀝文第二部又會記載著自己什麼樣的改變呢？
雖然部落格名字依舊，但我把字體和顏色改了改，希望這一點點的綠意會為灰頭土臉的自己帶來一些清新和寧靜。
想過搬遷自己的窩，
但是處理文字的話，
這裡還是比較方便。
所以我還是在這裡。
但這一次，
我沒有更改部落格的名，
我還是管它叫liliterature，瀝瀝文，
於是旁邊的連結列表上多了個“liliterature, part 1”的類別，
所以從上一篇發的『亮瀝瀝』
就算是瀝瀝文 part 2 的開始吧。
小回顧：
| 始 | 終 | 為期 | 部落格 | 已發布 | 未發布 |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2010-11-17 | 2014-1-3 | 三年多 | liliterature, pt 1 | 53 | 30 |
| 2008-4-13 | 2010-6-25 | 兩年多 | The Kitchen | 43 | 1 |
| 2006-6-16 | 2007-6-11 | 約一年 | Go Upstairs. | 52 | 0 |
| 2005-4-6 | 2006-6-16 | 一年多 | + schizophrenia + | 85 | 0 |
在最近的部落格里，有30篇未發布文章。
想了很多，整理了一會兒，有點不確定，有點膽怯，就收著了。
收著那些立場太強硬的，觀點太執著的，以及對好像真實的事情充滿懷疑態度的。
瀝瀝文第二部又會記載著自己什麼樣的改變呢？
雖然部落格名字依舊，但我把字體和顏色改了改，希望這一點點的綠意會為灰頭土臉的自己帶來一些清新和寧靜。
11.6.14
31.12.13
2013年末倒數
年末。
光陰依舊匆匆。
再見，2013。
我只想做一個馬虎的回顧。
我越來越有限的青春，不夠支付我胡亂思考的時間。
我們倒數吧。
十二
十二月份參與了AOY研討會，疲累，也思考了很多。
不懂的事也很多，腦袋裡很多互相撞擊的思路，堵車。
不過很感謝主，讓我在年末能夠惦記著、學習著上帝的話語；
好像在提醒我說，世界的末了將近，
不可以這樣怠惰，不要忘記你要成為世上的光啊。
自己也不止一次下了決心要成為世上的光… 雖然我似乎只有很小的願望… 只想成為那燭光。我就是那一位膽小又小信的。
十一
這個十一月，淹沒在忙碌裡。
空虛的忙碌、忙碌的空虛，自己也搞不懂是哪個。
其實不比之前忙碌，不過還是
鼻子進水眼睛瞎思緒糊糊昏昏的。
不想背重擔。
十
在想著要不要要求換到另一個部門去。
在想著要不要換工作。想來想去。
結果沒有換部門也（還？）沒有換工作。
月頭到月中，應該是在拼命趕工。
憂鬱。焦躁。爆肝。
九
參與了第一場同班同學的婚禮！
也參加了陳牧師主講的“末世揭秘”研討課。
好像是因為工作……只去了兩場課，曠了兩場課。
八
收到了比比送的禮物！無法接受這貴重 *_*
所以…從蘋果電話換到了安卓啦！
（蘋果的差勁同步設置把我的當地筆記全都刪了。哭。）
七
記憶模糊了……好像在思考著關於黑與白、灰色地帶的事。
六
我到底在這個月做了什麼……
啊，原來我做了半年的回顧；太好了，我實在是想不起上半年的事了。
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
五
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
四
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
三
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
二
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
一
一月我就記得了，因為今年的一月十二日，我和媽媽受洗了。
第二天就是爸爸的生日。很有意思吧。
我們在得知爸爸的病情之前，上帝已經在看顧著我們一家了，只是我們後知後覺，不懂得感恩。爸爸的離開，那是心碎的離別，但難過的同時，我卻再一次看見了上帝給我們一家的恩典和安慰；祂不曾離開。
零
……
……
……
你好，2014。
我們又要從一開始數了。
光陰依舊匆匆。
再見，2013。
我只想做一個馬虎的回顧。
我越來越有限的青春，不夠支付我胡亂思考的時間。
我們倒數吧。
十二
十二月份參與了AOY研討會，疲累，也思考了很多。
不懂的事也很多，腦袋裡很多互相撞擊的思路，堵車。
不過很感謝主，讓我在年末能夠惦記著、學習著上帝的話語；
好像在提醒我說，世界的末了將近，
不可以這樣怠惰，不要忘記你要成為世上的光啊。
自己也不止一次下了決心要成為世上的光… 雖然我似乎只有很小的願望… 只想成為那燭光。我就是那一位膽小又小信的。
十一
這個十一月，淹沒在忙碌裡。
空虛的忙碌、忙碌的空虛，自己也搞不懂是哪個。
其實不比之前忙碌，不過還是
鼻子進水眼睛瞎思緒糊糊昏昏的。
不想背重擔。
十
在想著要不要要求換到另一個部門去。
在想著要不要換工作。想來想去。
結果沒有換部門也（還？）沒有換工作。
月頭到月中，應該是在拼命趕工。
憂鬱。焦躁。爆肝。
九
參與了第一場同班同學的婚禮！
也參加了陳牧師主講的“末世揭秘”研討課。
好像是因為工作……只去了兩場課，曠了兩場課。
八
收到了比比送的禮物！無法接受這貴重 *_*
所以…從蘋果電話換到了安卓啦！
（蘋果的差勁同步設置把我的當地筆記全都刪了。哭。）
七
記憶模糊了……好像在思考著關於黑與白、灰色地帶的事。
六
我到底在這個月做了什麼……
啊，原來我做了半年的回顧；太好了，我實在是想不起上半年的事了。
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
五
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
四
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
三
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
二
連接：Flipping the calendar backwards
一
一月我就記得了，因為今年的一月十二日，我和媽媽受洗了。
第二天就是爸爸的生日。很有意思吧。
我們在得知爸爸的病情之前，上帝已經在看顧著我們一家了，只是我們後知後覺，不懂得感恩。爸爸的離開，那是心碎的離別，但難過的同時，我卻再一次看見了上帝給我們一家的恩典和安慰；祂不曾離開。
零
……
……
……
你好，2014。
我們又要從一開始數了。
1.9.13
锈
从鼻孔吸入
血的
气味。
这是
我身上的
锈
呵。
置放自己
在一个安全的角落里
安心。不敢让自己太担心
不想让别人不开心。
可是却生锈了。
血腥
血腥
生锈的铁罐
看见了自己的锈
突然明暸
这锈
虽然不疼不痒
但确实是正在
腐蚀自己的
锈。
可是铁罐啊
自己没有办法
让自己不生锈
无力
多么地无力
铁罐是被人造的被造物
没有自我修复的能力
不能够为自己除锈防锈
能力不在自己。
所以
铁罐要依赖
唯有依赖
那一位
有心人
有能力为
铁罐除锈的。
祷告
请为我这不争气的
除除锈。
阿们。
血的
气味。
这是
我身上的
锈
呵。
置放自己
在一个安全的角落里
安心。不敢让自己太担心
不想让别人不开心。
可是却生锈了。
血腥
血腥
生锈的铁罐
看见了自己的锈
突然明暸
这锈
虽然不疼不痒
但确实是正在
腐蚀自己的
锈。
可是铁罐啊
自己没有办法
让自己不生锈
无力
多么地无力
铁罐是被人造的被造物
没有自我修复的能力
不能够为自己除锈防锈
能力不在自己。
所以
铁罐要依赖
唯有依赖
那一位
有心人
有能力为
铁罐除锈的。
祷告
请为我这不争气的
除除锈。
阿们。
17.6.13
Flipping the calendar backwards
JUNE
1. 160613
Happy Fathers' Day!
...I am still saying it - I miss you Papa. ;_;
2. 160613
What a coincidence!
We met my friend and her family while they were crossing the road on the zebra-crossing right in front of our car.
3. 160613
So, today Violet taught me a new trick - writing stories starting from the ending.
That way I'll probably never come to the situation that I usually get - I have no idea how to end this story.
I was pretty excited about this new method - and start to think backwards and start doing mind maps, branching out ideas.
It's pretty cool and all, but now - I have no idea how to start this story. Haha.
...Then I decided to write something starting from this moment and going back to the beginning of the year.
4.
Facing a test of endurance and patience - even if I am feeling hurt, I will not try to take revenge and hurt someone back. I was tempted but I know it's never the right way to solve things.
5.
Blind spot:
Some people are trying hard to do the right things, and taking actions against the people who are against them, but never even once this thought of standing on the wrong side have crossed their minds.
6.
My uncle passed away. No words can describe grief.
MAY
1.
I'm a slow person. Learn slow, think slow, eat slow, shower slow, warming-up-to-people slow, pee slow. Sorry about it, and thanks for the warm welcome and friendly chats.
2.
Grey areas are popular, we don't want to choose a side, not black, not white; we want to just fit inside the grey area, thinking that we could get the best of both sides. It is completely ok sometimes, but at other times choices has to be made, because there isn't actually any grey areas (that can last long maybe?), because if you're not one of us, then you're one of them.
APRIL
1.
Work
- Switched projects
- More fun, more challenging, and more time spent on work too
MARCH
1.
Before 2012 ended, I thought I'd make a 2013 resolution, but it never happened;
and here I am, standing at the beginning of the third month in 2013.
Time seems to move at an increasing speed multiplied by a positive constant n% of the number of days I've lived... (?)
and life becomes more challenging when now I am trying hard to catch up with it.
But all is good.
FEBRUARY
1.
Chinese New Year
Lots of fireworks this year, it was great listening to the fireworks - just like when I was still a kid.
2.
Don't think I have ever posted my jobs on my blog before.
Maybe I never felt proud enough or secure enough to share it.
Never once have I dreamt that I could get a job in the games industry.
I think I love my current job much.
JANUARY
1. 130113
Went to visit Papa's grave on his birthday. :)
2. 120113
I am baptised into Jesus Christ! I am a Seventh-Day Adventist.
I am a new adventist, I have much to learn.
1. 160613
Happy Fathers' Day!
...I am still saying it - I miss you Papa. ;_;
2. 160613
What a coincidence!
We met my friend and her family while they were crossing the road on the zebra-crossing right in front of our car.
3. 160613
So, today Violet taught me a new trick - writing stories starting from the ending.
That way I'll probably never come to the situation that I usually get - I have no idea how to end this story.
I was pretty excited about this new method - and start to think backwards and start doing mind maps, branching out ideas.
It's pretty cool and all, but now - I have no idea how to start this story. Haha.
...Then I decided to write something starting from this moment and going back to the beginning of the year.
4.
Facing a test of endurance and patience - even if I am feeling hurt, I will not try to take revenge and hurt someone back. I was tempted but I know it's never the right way to solve things.
5.
Blind spot:
Some people are trying hard to do the right things, and taking actions against the people who are against them, but never even once this thought of standing on the wrong side have crossed their minds.
6.
My uncle passed away. No words can describe grief.
MAY
1.
I'm a slow person. Learn slow, think slow, eat slow, shower slow, warming-up-to-people slow, pee slow. Sorry about it, and thanks for the warm welcome and friendly chats.
2.
Grey areas are popular, we don't want to choose a side, not black, not white; we want to just fit inside the grey area, thinking that we could get the best of both sides. It is completely ok sometimes, but at other times choices has to be made, because there isn't actually any grey areas (that can last long maybe?), because if you're not one of us, then you're one of them.
APRIL
1.
Work
- Switched projects
- More fun, more challenging, and more time spent on work too
MARCH
1.
Before 2012 ended, I thought I'd make a 2013 resolution, but it never happened;
and here I am, standing at the beginning of the third month in 2013.
Time seems to move at an increasing speed multiplied by a positive constant n% of the number of days I've lived... (?)
and life becomes more challenging when now I am trying hard to catch up with it.
But all is good.
FEBRUARY
1.
Chinese New Year
Lots of fireworks this year, it was great listening to the fireworks - just like when I was still a kid.
2.
Don't think I have ever posted my jobs on my blog before.
Maybe I never felt proud enough or secure enough to share it.
Never once have I dreamt that I could get a job in the games industry.
I think I love my current job much.
JANUARY
1. 130113
Went to visit Papa's grave on his birthday. :)
2. 120113
I am baptised into Jesus Christ! I am a Seventh-Day Adventist.
I am a new adventist, I have much to learn.
14.4.13
圣诞树的味道
以前家门前种着两棵大树，我们管他叫“圣诞树”。
其中一棵只记得他成了树头的样子。
记得雨后，树头上会长出蘑菇，米白色的，看起来很好吃。
总觉得很稀奇啊，蘑菇原来不是从土里长出来的。
而且这些雨后在门外树头上长出来的蘑菇是不能摸、不能吃的。
妈妈说有毒。
第二棵圣诞树，唯一还有印象的是他深绿色的叶子，叶子也不是一般的网状叶。
（应该是一种柏树吧。）
爸爸喜欢圣诞树的阴凉。
圣诞树在地里站得很稳，根扎得很深，伸得很远；很强壮，把我们家前的洋灰地都撑裂了。
“如果让他继续长，就不得了啦，房子都会塌。”
以前不明白大人说的话。因为我只看见粗地上从左边到右边多了一条黑色曲曲的横线，还有一些细细的黑线，心想那些线条又有什么关系呢。树还是很美啊。
于是爸爸妈妈就每天把树一点一点地砍下来。
然后家里就飘着那一种香香的味道。
最后剩下一大截树干，大概有三四尺吧，爸爸说过要用来种胡姬花的。
不懂过了多久，现在我也长高大了，树干上就有了攀岩自生的万年青。
近这几天，万年青被拔了，才发现树身旁蚂蚁和昆虫已经造好房子了；树旁地上的泥，也被什么动物挖过了洞，像是鼠洞蛇穴之类的。
我们的树头前也新建了围墙。
墙要上漆，所以那残余的树头也一截一截地被电锯截掉了。
树干里边带红色，非常硬的木。所以从前没办法砍除的，就陪了我们到今天。
今天，地上残余的根，也被挖掉了。
啊…… 是这个味道。
草香有时还会带一点涩， 这木香却沉稳不重，清而不淡，让人怀念。
圣诞树
剩下的味道，
很香。
让人怀念
从前。
其中一棵只记得他成了树头的样子。
记得雨后，树头上会长出蘑菇，米白色的，看起来很好吃。
总觉得很稀奇啊，蘑菇原来不是从土里长出来的。
而且这些雨后在门外树头上长出来的蘑菇是不能摸、不能吃的。
妈妈说有毒。
第二棵圣诞树，唯一还有印象的是他深绿色的叶子，叶子也不是一般的网状叶。
（应该是一种柏树吧。）
爸爸喜欢圣诞树的阴凉。
圣诞树在地里站得很稳，根扎得很深，伸得很远；很强壮，把我们家前的洋灰地都撑裂了。
“如果让他继续长，就不得了啦，房子都会塌。”
以前不明白大人说的话。因为我只看见粗地上从左边到右边多了一条黑色曲曲的横线，还有一些细细的黑线，心想那些线条又有什么关系呢。树还是很美啊。
于是爸爸妈妈就每天把树一点一点地砍下来。
然后家里就飘着那一种香香的味道。
最后剩下一大截树干，大概有三四尺吧，爸爸说过要用来种胡姬花的。
不懂过了多久，现在我也长高大了，树干上就有了攀岩自生的万年青。
近这几天，万年青被拔了，才发现树身旁蚂蚁和昆虫已经造好房子了；树旁地上的泥，也被什么动物挖过了洞，像是鼠洞蛇穴之类的。
我们的树头前也新建了围墙。
墙要上漆，所以那残余的树头也一截一截地被电锯截掉了。
树干里边带红色，非常硬的木。所以从前没办法砍除的，就陪了我们到今天。
今天，地上残余的根，也被挖掉了。
啊…… 是这个味道。
草香有时还会带一点涩， 这木香却沉稳不重，清而不淡，让人怀念。
圣诞树
剩下的味道，
很香。
让人怀念
从前。
20.1.13
貶價交換
原來沒來這裡寫些什麼，是一件好事。
意味著我生活過得還不錯，沒什麼讓人抓狂鬱悶的事。
……
我可以用你要的那一筆金錢，來贖回這幾年我對你的100%信任和一些寬容。
以前我大概會告訴自己，被騙了就絕對不會再相信他，也絕對不會原諒他，還會加上幾句惡咒。
今天我也還沒有太寬容大量的心，我還是會說被騙了真的很難再無條件地相信了，原諒是一堂一輩子都學不完的課，我這種自動記賬的，就會這樣記得，可是原諒不一定就要忘記對不？現在，我真的還不敢說我原諒，也許再多一陣子吧。我也不咒罵了；只願你可以從中和以後的路途上明暸人與人之間，任何一方太牽強的話一定是不能行的，因為那不是建立在自然形成的信賴和引力之上，乃是短暫的蠻橫外力，不是長久的辦法。
多想可以這樣告訴你，只是連我的分享你都要推翻和強加你自身的想法予我的時候，我就知道我的能力還不足以來指引你聆聽。
我不是一個很好的朋友，所以我希望你有更好的朋友，願意無條件地指點你，讓你成為更討喜的人。
那份信任，我是贖回了；錢，遲些再給你。
意味著我生活過得還不錯，沒什麼讓人抓狂鬱悶的事。
……
我可以用你要的那一筆金錢，來贖回這幾年我對你的100%信任和一些寬容。
以前我大概會告訴自己，被騙了就絕對不會再相信他，也絕對不會原諒他，還會加上幾句惡咒。
今天我也還沒有太寬容大量的心，我還是會說被騙了真的很難再無條件地相信了，原諒是一堂一輩子都學不完的課，我這種自動記賬的，就會這樣記得，可是原諒不一定就要忘記對不？現在，我真的還不敢說我原諒，也許再多一陣子吧。我也不咒罵了；只願你可以從中和以後的路途上明暸人與人之間，任何一方太牽強的話一定是不能行的，因為那不是建立在自然形成的信賴和引力之上，乃是短暫的蠻橫外力，不是長久的辦法。
多想可以這樣告訴你，只是連我的分享你都要推翻和強加你自身的想法予我的時候，我就知道我的能力還不足以來指引你聆聽。
我不是一個很好的朋友，所以我希望你有更好的朋友，願意無條件地指點你，讓你成為更討喜的人。
那份信任，我是贖回了；錢，遲些再給你。
22.9.12
靜
時間，在這裡是靜了。
在這樣的一個林子裡。
有木、有葉；
有泥、石；
有光，從未知的高處
筆直穿過葉群
俯视我們在地上的卑微。
我們望著（那）莊嚴。
美麗的光，美麗的林。
美好的景物只可遠觀、不可褻玩；
美麗、莊嚴、神聖。
我，也隨著時間，
沉靜了。
我們
靜靜地溜，不曾靜止。
--------
相信美好、相信公義、相信創造主
儘管人變得再冷漠殘酷
儘管環境變得污穢惡劣
也絕對不可以為了這些不好
而讓自己的純樸變質。
在這樣的一個林子裡。
有木、有葉；
有泥、石；
有光，從未知的高處
筆直穿過葉群
俯视我們在地上的卑微。
我們望著（那）莊嚴。
美麗的光，美麗的林。
美好的景物只可遠觀、不可褻玩；
美麗、莊嚴、神聖。
我，也隨著時間，
沉靜了。
我們
靜靜地溜，不曾靜止。
--------
相信美好、相信公義、相信創造主
儘管人變得再冷漠殘酷
儘管環境變得污穢惡劣
也絕對不可以為了這些不好
而讓自己的純樸變質。
29.6.12
横
我真的是很容易被你的情绪感染的。
叫你离开，
把自己说得很伟大
不想再看到你不开心
希望你可以开心过生活
其实还有一大部分的原因
是因为我不想再让自己像今晚一样
有奇怪的念头
我想
埋头
工作
工作
工作到天亮
因为不想被你的情绪感染
因为我有点自私
因为我很固执
因为我不喜欢哭丧着入眠
所以不开心的时候
我都会晚睡，把身体累坏了
就会累到睡着
就没有不开心地入眠了
所以
离开吧
我身体已经越来越差了
再也经不起多几次的不开心
再也不想像海绵一样无限吸着各种的坏情绪
可是我就只是一块海绵
我不能够跟你分担
我不能够理解
我也不想
听了
因为
我真的不懂除了跟随自己心声以外的方式来做决定
我只是不想让每天不开心的你感染
成
现在
我也不开心
不睡觉。
叫你离开，
把自己说得很伟大
不想再看到你不开心
希望你可以开心过生活
其实还有一大部分的原因
是因为我不想再让自己像今晚一样
有奇怪的念头
我想
埋头
工作
工作
工作到天亮
因为不想被你的情绪感染
因为我有点自私
因为我很固执
因为我不喜欢哭丧着入眠
所以不开心的时候
我都会晚睡，把身体累坏了
就会累到睡着
就没有不开心地入眠了
所以
离开吧
我身体已经越来越差了
再也经不起多几次的不开心
再也不想像海绵一样无限吸着各种的坏情绪
可是我就只是一块海绵
我不能够跟你分担
我不能够理解
我也不想
听了
因为
我真的不懂除了跟随自己心声以外的方式来做决定
我只是不想让每天不开心的你感染
成
现在
我也不开心
不睡觉。
26.6.12
Humility
Sometimes we are more forgetful than we thought. Skills that you have mastered could become rusty if don't brush them up consistently; and a lesson learnt might just slip away as if nothing has happened before - until a friend reminds me recently.
Pride comes before a fall.
If I were to compare, the falls that I experienced are nothing at all. But they're significant to me - because I grew up surrounded by compliments and praises. These words have shaped me, and my confidence are built up depending on these. I looked down on failures, because I was always on top of the hill. I believed I was that good, and I could master anything if I wanted to. It's like standing on top of a tower and looking at the sky and thinking that I could fly if I want to.
So.. there comes the continuous and repetitive failures in my academic performance, my co-curriculum activities and my social life.
I have never stood on the solid ground looking forward and looking up - if weren't for the falls that God have placed me in. Those were my lessons, lessons of being humble. I don't have to put myself bigger and higher than anybody else, because the only one who is bigger and higher is God Himself.
And during my depressed moments - I had a really close friend that I would say my only close friend in my university period, we've known each other for not long - but the closeness and encouragement is always there. If it weren't for her, I never had the courage to move on.
"It's amazing how God connects people," a colleague told me this, Amen. Never know I would someone like her - she's like a reflection of my mind, it's kind of creepy when we talk, as if she's speaking from my mind, and best of all, God knows I don't have a church of believer-friends to support me in times of need, He placed His people around me, so I can still rely and look for them if I need support.
Failures and downhill of life are just lessons from God - He wants to teach us something more valuable, He wants to tell us that we are not the one in charge of our own life, but He is - He wants to reveal Himself to us - He wants us to know that we can always rely on Him, because through Him, we are strengthened.
And He always want me to know, that He'll never let me stray far from Him. Each and every time when I become lost - He will come back and look for me. I am always found. He is that good.
Dear Heavenly Father, I want to rely on You to change my terrible temper. I am not perfect and I can't do this on my own - but through God, everything is possible. In Jesus Name, Amen.
Pride comes before a fall.
If I were to compare, the falls that I experienced are nothing at all. But they're significant to me - because I grew up surrounded by compliments and praises. These words have shaped me, and my confidence are built up depending on these. I looked down on failures, because I was always on top of the hill. I believed I was that good, and I could master anything if I wanted to. It's like standing on top of a tower and looking at the sky and thinking that I could fly if I want to.
So.. there comes the continuous and repetitive failures in my academic performance, my co-curriculum activities and my social life.
I have never stood on the solid ground looking forward and looking up - if weren't for the falls that God have placed me in. Those were my lessons, lessons of being humble. I don't have to put myself bigger and higher than anybody else, because the only one who is bigger and higher is God Himself.
And during my depressed moments - I had a really close friend that I would say my only close friend in my university period, we've known each other for not long - but the closeness and encouragement is always there. If it weren't for her, I never had the courage to move on.
"It's amazing how God connects people," a colleague told me this, Amen. Never know I would someone like her - she's like a reflection of my mind, it's kind of creepy when we talk, as if she's speaking from my mind, and best of all, God knows I don't have a church of believer-friends to support me in times of need, He placed His people around me, so I can still rely and look for them if I need support.
Failures and downhill of life are just lessons from God - He wants to teach us something more valuable, He wants to tell us that we are not the one in charge of our own life, but He is - He wants to reveal Himself to us - He wants us to know that we can always rely on Him, because through Him, we are strengthened.
And He always want me to know, that He'll never let me stray far from Him. Each and every time when I become lost - He will come back and look for me. I am always found. He is that good.
Dear Heavenly Father, I want to rely on You to change my terrible temper. I am not perfect and I can't do this on my own - but through God, everything is possible. In Jesus Name, Amen.
15.2.12
最美麗的情人節
最美麗的情人節夜晚… 是一杯熱奶茶，和一個最棒的伴侶；
讓人可以安心舒服地述說着每一天的大小事、
七情上面舞動拳頭地談著讓人氣憤不平的事、
快樂單純地談着關於夢想和未來的事；
還有那種在其他人面前都可以隱藏得很好的悲傷和低落
來到親愛的你面前，什麼假面都融化無跡
對你，心就是可以如此地坦蕩赤裸
TT___TT
然後
擦乾滿臉的淚之後
一切又變得很美好很幸福了。 :)
讓人可以安心舒服地述說着每一天的大小事、
七情上面舞動拳頭地談著讓人氣憤不平的事、
快樂單純地談着關於夢想和未來的事；
還有那種在其他人面前都可以隱藏得很好的悲傷和低落
來到親愛的你面前，什麼假面都融化無跡
對你，心就是可以如此地坦蕩赤裸
TT___TT
然後
擦乾滿臉的淚之後
一切又變得很美好很幸福了。 :)
10.2.12
一個月
距離上一篇日誌有一個月的時間了。
我知道，當自己不寫日誌的時候，不是無暇，也不是沒有想法。
只是、我自己不敢面對自己的時候的表現。
所以不想整理自己的靈魂。
不想做的事情，通常都是必須做的事情。
思緒必須處理，靈魂也必須被治療。
眼淚，我也只能濕濕熱熱地感受。
一個月，不長不短。
農曆新年就這樣過去了。
我們沒有像往常一樣，元宵節在家裡圍爐。
我們在外頭吃火鍋。我們僅四口。
爸爸存在的記憶，已經開始離我們遠了幾公分。
而且那將會漸遠、漸遠。
心很酸，但我也不能怎麼樣。
家裡少訂了兩份報紙。
家裡再也沒有人一天看三四份報紙的了。
我們家現在的舊報紙疊大概需要兩個月的時間才會疊到像以前兩個星期的高度。
家裡有一點不一樣。
可是我想我們適應得很好。
爸爸的座位、慣用的東西，還在那裡。
桌子上的大計算機、爸爸的手機、手錶、日曆（我們替換了2012年的）、五格小抽屜組、爸爸新摘下的剪報（最新的是2011年10月18日的）、訂閱的雜誌（前天才收到最新的）、筆筒。爸爸椅子上專用的青色座墊及座布。還有我們沒有碰過的、靠牆邊、椅子後脹滿厚重的黑色公事包。廁所裡爸爸用的剃須刀上，還留著一點點皮膚屑。還有爸爸用的小梳、牙刷與牙線。還有衣櫥裡的衣服。還有幾個書櫃的書本和文件。
只是這些都染上了一層塵。
我依稀還可以聽見您每晚在座位上翻報的聲音；偶爾參雜著哈欠和自言自語，
伴著舊直立風扇微沉半平穩的轉動聲，還有您坐上和離開那椅子所發出的咯吱聲。
現在又突然想起幾個月前，我和母親在抹那把較新的直立風扇，裝回去之後就不動了，我倆還擔心著會被爸罵我們弄壞了他買的風扇--可是那天爸爸沒有罵我們，說那把風扇已經很多毛病了，所以爸就換了那把有點毛病但還可以用的舊直立風扇。
這一個月，就是如此的零散凌亂。
我知道，當自己不寫日誌的時候，不是無暇，也不是沒有想法。
只是、我自己不敢面對自己的時候的表現。
所以不想整理自己的靈魂。
不想做的事情，通常都是必須做的事情。
思緒必須處理，靈魂也必須被治療。
眼淚，我也只能濕濕熱熱地感受。
一個月，不長不短。
農曆新年就這樣過去了。
我們沒有像往常一樣，元宵節在家裡圍爐。
我們在外頭吃火鍋。我們僅四口。
爸爸存在的記憶，已經開始離我們遠了幾公分。
而且那將會漸遠、漸遠。
心很酸，但我也不能怎麼樣。
家裡少訂了兩份報紙。
家裡再也沒有人一天看三四份報紙的了。
我們家現在的舊報紙疊大概需要兩個月的時間才會疊到像以前兩個星期的高度。
家裡有一點不一樣。
可是我想我們適應得很好。
爸爸的座位、慣用的東西，還在那裡。
桌子上的大計算機、爸爸的手機、手錶、日曆（我們替換了2012年的）、五格小抽屜組、爸爸新摘下的剪報（最新的是2011年10月18日的）、訂閱的雜誌（前天才收到最新的）、筆筒。爸爸椅子上專用的青色座墊及座布。還有我們沒有碰過的、靠牆邊、椅子後脹滿厚重的黑色公事包。廁所裡爸爸用的剃須刀上，還留著一點點皮膚屑。還有爸爸用的小梳、牙刷與牙線。還有衣櫥裡的衣服。還有幾個書櫃的書本和文件。
只是這些都染上了一層塵。
我依稀還可以聽見您每晚在座位上翻報的聲音；偶爾參雜著哈欠和自言自語，
伴著舊直立風扇微沉半平穩的轉動聲，還有您坐上和離開那椅子所發出的咯吱聲。
現在又突然想起幾個月前，我和母親在抹那把較新的直立風扇，裝回去之後就不動了，我倆還擔心著會被爸罵我們弄壞了他買的風扇--可是那天爸爸沒有罵我們，說那把風扇已經很多毛病了，所以爸就換了那把有點毛病但還可以用的舊直立風扇。
這一個月，就是如此的零散凌亂。
10.1.12
2012 Resolutions | 續序2012
2011年主題為“亂中帶序”，今年想繼續維持一定的秩序與規律，所以命為“續序”。
二十五歲了，想趕在二十九歲以前做一些能讓自己自豪一輩子的事，人生的十年我已過了兩個，而第三個十年一點也不遠，所以必須加倍珍惜每一年每一天。
新年目標我定下了十一項：
細說各項：
二十五歲了，想趕在二十九歲以前做一些能讓自己自豪一輩子的事，人生的十年我已過了兩個，而第三個十年一點也不遠，所以必須加倍珍惜每一年每一天。
新年目標我定下了十一項：
- Live in God
- Become a better person
- Become a better daughter/sister
- 自我溝通
- Exercise
- Financial Planning
- To drive more often
- Reading
- Revise basic Nihongo and Hangul
- Lefty's Training
- ll-m
細說各項：
| 1 | Live in God |
| i | attend church/lifechurch |
| ii | read bible |
| through youversion's reading plans, online bible | |
| through revising and memorizing verses | |
| iii | childlike faith |
| keep praying | |
| never give up, never lose hope |
| 2 | Become a better person |
| (as an individual) | |
| i | be diligent |
| ii | be confident |
| iii | be understanding |
| 3 | Become a better daughter/sister |
| (as a family member) | |
| i | help with family matters |
| ii | help to do chores |
| iii | help with cooking |
| iv | be caring |
| v | be patient |
| 4 | 自我溝通 |
| (through different means of expression) | |
| i | express and communicate with self |
| through writing, drawing, shooting etc | |
| ii | get myself a DSLR |
| 5 | Exercise |
| i | do stretching daily: make a daily stretching plan |
| ii | be able to touch the ground |
| iii | get a pair of running/sports shoes |
| 6 | Financial Planning |
| i | plan expenses/loan/savings/debt |
| ii | stick with the plan |
| 7 | To drive more often | ||||||||
| 8 | Reading | ||||||||
| i | finish 7 books |
| 9 | Revise basic Nihongo and Hangul |
| i | be able to read nihongo smoothly |
| ii | recognize some basic kanji |
| iii | learn some basic phrases |
| iv | be able to recognize hangul vowels and consonants |
| 10 | Lefty's Training |
| i | brush teeth in the morning |
| ii | weekly doodle/writing |
| 11 | ll-m |
| (showcasing hobbies/(art)works) | |
| i | make plans for ll-m |
31.12.11
二零一一年目標回顧 | 2011 Resolution Review
2011, a year of mixed feelings.
Thank you Lord for all His blessings for me even though I did not deserved them.
I completed 5 out of 11 resolutions that I made, I need to have a clearer idea on what I want to do in the coming year.
1. Relationship with God. = Success =
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditioned love and patience for me, please discipline me and teach me to put You first in everything I do.
- first thing in the morning, pray to God
- attends life church and talk-it-over discussions
-complete Youversion reading plan by May 2011
= I did not pray in the mornings consistently, but my faith has grown stronger than ever - I kept making this prayer few years back to God to strengthen my faith, and now He made my faith strong.
= I did not attend Lifechurch consistently, especially during the last quarter of the year, I did not attend even once. But God gave me a strong push in going to a physical church.
= Completed Youversion reading plan in May 2011.
2. Writing.= Success =
There are voices in my mind 24/7. They never shut up and sometimes I lose control of my emotions and feel very bipolar. I'm sorry that I'm unstable.
- jot down/take pic of important things
- organize my messy thoughts
= I am picking this habit back again, around the month of October, since father was in the hospital.
3. Exercise.= Failed =
Exercise helps to balance brain chemicals. Besides staying healthy, it helps to maintain my 'healthy' mood, so I will have less unstable times.
- jogging and/or swimming every weekend, 1 - 2 time(s)
- basic stretching
- wants to be able to bend over and touch the ground
= My old sports shoes doesn't work well anymore, so I stopped jogging.
= I did not do much stretching and I still can't touch the ground without bending my knees.
= I've gained 2kg of weight, grown fatter around the tummy/waist/buttock area.
4. Reading. = Success =
Reading keeps me focused and ponder on some thoughts. I seriously need to relearn how to focus and concentrate.
-Finish "1Q84" (book 1 & 2) by Murakami Haruki
-NEW: Finish "1Q84" (book 3) by Murakami Haruki
- Finish "艺术治疗" by Dr. Shaun McNiff
-Finish Phil Yeh's and Chin Yew's Comics
= I haven't finish Dr. Shaun McNiff's 藝術治療, but I considered this a success because I've been reading something everyday as a habit already.
= Read mangas online, I am too lazy to list down the titles.
= Read 1Q84 (Book 1-3) by 村上春樹, Phil Yeh and Chin Yew's graphic novels, 廚房by 吉本芭娜娜，Peacemaker Kurogane Vol.1-5 (manga), Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always (graphic novel).
= Currently still reading 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff / 徐志摩詩集 / Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan
5. Train my left hand. = Failed =
Due to less-than-severe-but-not-light injury from repetitive strain on my right hand/arm/颈椎, I would really want to put less strain on my right hand by training my left hand to do certain simple activities. It's good for the brain too.
- brush teeth
- write
- doodle
= I learnt how to brush my teeth with my left hand, but not writing and doodling. But I'm glad that the arm is not hurting soooo much already.
6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files. = Failed =
Workspace and the environment reflects your mind state. This has been on my to-do list like... for years. *guilty and embarassed* Yeah I have a very messy state of mind. I need to do something about it, the aim is to be “乱中有序” (luan4 zhong1 you3 xu4)，which means it seems messy but in fact there are certain rules/discipline to it, this has been my “座右铭” (zuo4 you4 ming2，motto) since high school.
Areas:
- workspace
- wardrobe
- bookcase(s)
- room desk
- room shelves
Digital Files and Non-digital Files:
- back up important files
- arrange them in appropriate folders and location
- Photos: upload.
= Although I did some cleaning up, but it's still not enough to tick all the above off.
7. Draw. = Failed =
I wonder why I almost put this last.
- Paint something digitally.
- Clean up my dA deviations.
= I almost wanted to put a success until I read what I typed: paint something digitally and cleaning up dA deviations. I did not 'paint' something digitally, and I left my dA as it was, besides uploaded some traditional works once in a while.
8. Revise Japanese Language.= Failed =
- just wanna be able to read hiragana and katakana without any difficulty
= I revised but slacked off since the 3rd quarter of the year.
9. ll-m. = Failed =
No clear plans on this yet, but I will try.
= I still don't know what I want to do with this. Swt.
10. Graduate and earn money. = Success =
Does this count? But I really wanna graduate very badly.
This is vague but yeah, regardless of full-time or part-time job, earn a decent amount of money then pay my own debts and give money to parents.
= Haven't pay all the debts - but I graduated and earned some money. Just that I couldn't gave it to my papa anymore, but I still have my lovely mama to give.
11. Drive to places. = Success =
If you see a driver that annoys you so much that you can't stop honking and pressure her, that's probably me. Sorry, I very noob, please forgive me, but I really have to learn to drive to places by myself. T_T
.= I drove to places, but still not very good in recognizing roads and directions. A good start, and a good experience of a minor accident and making a police report and claiming insurance.
Thank you Lord for all His blessings for me even though I did not deserved them.
I completed 5 out of 11 resolutions that I made, I need to have a clearer idea on what I want to do in the coming year.
1. Relationship with God. = Success =
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditioned love and patience for me, please discipline me and teach me to put You first in everything I do.
- first thing in the morning, pray to God
- attends life church and talk-it-over discussions
-
= I did not pray in the mornings consistently, but my faith has grown stronger than ever - I kept making this prayer few years back to God to strengthen my faith, and now He made my faith strong.
= I did not attend Lifechurch consistently, especially during the last quarter of the year, I did not attend even once. But God gave me a strong push in going to a physical church.
= Completed Youversion reading plan in May 2011.
2. Writing.= Success =
There are voices in my mind 24/7. They never shut up and sometimes I lose control of my emotions and feel very bipolar. I'm sorry that I'm unstable.
- jot down/take pic of important things
- organize my messy thoughts
= I am picking this habit back again, around the month of October, since father was in the hospital.
3. Exercise.= Failed =
Exercise helps to balance brain chemicals. Besides staying healthy, it helps to maintain my 'healthy' mood, so I will have less unstable times.
- jogging and/or swimming every weekend, 1 - 2 time(s)
- basic stretching
- wants to be able to bend over and touch the ground
= My old sports shoes doesn't work well anymore, so I stopped jogging.
= I did not do much stretching and I still can't touch the ground without bending my knees.
= I've gained 2kg of weight, grown fatter around the tummy/waist/buttock area.
4. Reading. = Success =
Reading keeps me focused and ponder on some thoughts. I seriously need to relearn how to focus and concentrate.
-
-
- Finish "艺术治疗" by Dr. Shaun McNiff
-
= I haven't finish Dr. Shaun McNiff's 藝術治療, but I considered this a success because I've been reading something everyday as a habit already.
= Read mangas online, I am too lazy to list down the titles.
= Read 1Q84 (Book 1-3) by 村上春樹, Phil Yeh and Chin Yew's graphic novels, 廚房by 吉本芭娜娜，Peacemaker Kurogane Vol.1-5 (manga), Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always (graphic novel).
= Currently still reading 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff / 徐志摩詩集 / Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan
5. Train my left hand. = Failed =
Due to less-than-severe-but-not-light injury from repetitive strain on my right hand/arm/颈椎, I would really want to put less strain on my right hand by training my left hand to do certain simple activities. It's good for the brain too.
- brush teeth
- write
- doodle
= I learnt how to brush my teeth with my left hand, but not writing and doodling. But I'm glad that the arm is not hurting soooo much already.
6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files. = Failed =
Workspace and the environment reflects your mind state. This has been on my to-do list like... for years. *guilty and embarassed* Yeah I have a very messy state of mind. I need to do something about it, the aim is to be “乱中有序” (luan4 zhong1 you3 xu4)，which means it seems messy but in fact there are certain rules/discipline to it, this has been my “座右铭” (zuo4 you4 ming2，motto) since high school.
Areas:
- workspace
- wardrobe
- bookcase(s)
- room desk
- room shelves
Digital Files and Non-digital Files:
- back up important files
- arrange them in appropriate folders and location
- Photos: upload.
= Although I did some cleaning up, but it's still not enough to tick all the above off.
7. Draw. = Failed =
I wonder why I almost put this last.
- Paint something digitally.
- Clean up my dA deviations.
= I almost wanted to put a success until I read what I typed: paint something digitally and cleaning up dA deviations. I did not 'paint' something digitally, and I left my dA as it was, besides uploaded some traditional works once in a while.
8. Revise Japanese Language.= Failed =
- just wanna be able to read hiragana and katakana without any difficulty
= I revised but slacked off since the 3rd quarter of the year.
9. ll-m. = Failed =
No clear plans on this yet, but I will try.
= I still don't know what I want to do with this. Swt.
10. Graduate and earn money. = Success =
Does this count? But I really wanna graduate very badly.
This is vague but yeah, regardless of full-time or part-time job, earn a decent amount of money then pay my own debts and give money to parents.
= Haven't pay all the debts - but I graduated and earned some money. Just that I couldn't gave it to my papa anymore, but I still have my lovely mama to give.
11. Drive to places. = Success =
If you see a driver that annoys you so much that you can't stop honking and pressure her, that's probably me. Sorry, I very noob, please forgive me, but I really have to learn to drive to places by myself. T_T
.= I drove to places, but still not very good in recognizing roads and directions. A good start, and a good experience of a minor accident and making a police report and claiming insurance.
30.12.11
十二月份报告 | Monthly Report: December 2011
過得有一點恍惚，有一點不真實。
爸爸離開我們，剛好一個月了。
我從小就是個哭包，想爸爸的時候
就哭了。有時候哭兩分鐘。
有時候哭一個小時。
有時候哭了又止、止了又哭。
不等。
（爸爸不喜歡別人哭。
我不可以哭醬多。）
哥今天寫了一句話
"It's been a month since father's left. We've kept things the same, but somehow they're different now."
再也貼切不過了。
1. Relationship with God.
- Did not attend lifechurch and lifegroup meetings.
- Attended Christmas Eve's gathering at church with bf, God gave him a special gift this Christmas. :)
- Attended church on Christmas day too.
- When I start to distance myself with Him, I easily got caught back in the negative self-pity self. The devil will try to fill in the void inside whenever I let myself become vacant.
4. Reading.
- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff pg.127
- 徐志摩詩集 pg.85
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan pg.15
- and read quite some mangas online that I didn't bother to list down
11. Drive to places.
- 27/12那天，出車禍了，對方車子不讓，所以我撞上去了。大家都說是小意外，可是對方堅持要報警。我被罰了款。也辛苦哥和嫂載我到處跑著處理文件和保險的事，還有浪費很多在警察局等待的時間。第一次車禍，嚇死我了。
明天再貼上一整年目標達成與否的總結。
爸爸離開我們，剛好一個月了。
我從小就是個哭包，想爸爸的時候
就哭了。有時候哭兩分鐘。
有時候哭一個小時。
有時候哭了又止、止了又哭。
不等。
（爸爸不喜歡別人哭。
我不可以哭醬多。）
哥今天寫了一句話
"It's been a month since father's left. We've kept things the same, but somehow they're different now."
再也貼切不過了。
1. Relationship with God.
- Did not attend lifechurch and lifegroup meetings.
- Attended Christmas Eve's gathering at church with bf, God gave him a special gift this Christmas. :)
- Attended church on Christmas day too.
- When I start to distance myself with Him, I easily got caught back in the negative self-pity self. The devil will try to fill in the void inside whenever I let myself become vacant.
4. Reading.
- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff pg.127
- 徐志摩詩集 pg.85
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan pg.15
- and read quite some mangas online that I didn't bother to list down
11. Drive to places.
- 27/12那天，出車禍了，對方車子不讓，所以我撞上去了。大家都說是小意外，可是對方堅持要報警。我被罰了款。也辛苦哥和嫂載我到處跑著處理文件和保險的事，還有浪費很多在警察局等待的時間。第一次車禍，嚇死我了。
明天再貼上一整年目標達成與否的總結。
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