10.8.09

Struggle, because I am alive

Sometimes I think the times that I think in English equals to the times that I think in Chinese. Now it's one of the times when I am thinking in English and feel like telling the thoughts in words.

I have very low stamina, both physically and psychologically.

I couldn't run or climb or cycle, but I can really walk for a long distance. I have a really short attention span - especially dealing with technical stuffs like how to use a software, how to create this and that effect with what and what plug-ins; but I find myself strangely attracted to certain art expressions - for example a recent wonderful performance that I attended, Butoh Jam, held in Annexe Gallery, or the surreal atmosphere in Murakami Haruki's novels.

It's been really long since I have ever feel recharged, after one whole year (or maybe longer) of dead batteries.

I need art. I need it to feel alive. I just couldn't feel anything with my university classes, they are draining away my motivation and my purpose, and I drowned myself to death. I often feel stupid in classes, it's as if I couldn't find a reason or a purpose for me to be there. And so when most of the university courses and friends around me focus on the technique, I know I need the struggle, a struggle to find a meaning behind all these robotic skills, a struggle to express myself with all these robotic skills and make it a not-your-typical-robotic-skill-only art.

Struggles are unpleasant, but it is necessary when I don't want to be like a machine. I can never ever continue to breathe without a purpose, without a meaning, and without art.

And if it's art, I can and I will continue to struggle and move forward, because I want to feel alive.

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"You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive."
- Merce Cunningham (1919-2009)

7 comments:

. Jäcky . said...

I'm glad you have found your way of recharging yourself. Commonly we all learn to recharge ourselves physically and neglect what's our mind truly lack of. Worse comes to worst, we will then lost in the mid of forest due to the missing of motivation.

I will always by your side, lively. :D

Bibi <3

ebiostry said...

I feel that way about sports. It makes me feel alive.

I always dream that I could just play basketball, badminton, table tennis etc. for the rest of my life.

I savor the pain and soreness that comes with each stroke when my muscles are all overworked and the lactic acids are oozing out of each and every cell.

Li Wen said...

Bibi:
I always knew it, but it's not easy to get into or joining these events, considering I don't have my own transport.

Thanks for fetching me there, sometimes I feel bad for dragging you along, although I wished that I can attend and join every event that I know, but you definitely wouldn't let. And sometimes i can only keep on encouraging myself to walk on the same path without being influenced by others who keep talking me out of my original plans.

Ostry:
I bet that's an awesome feeling, I guess this motivation of feeling alive is like the strongest, and you just feel energy flowing inside you.. hehe. I want to embrace and enjoy all these feelings.

khailing said...

i'm amazed on how god created each of us uniquely. i'm never an art person, and visiting all the art gallery/museums here at taiwan bore me to death. haiz...

Li Wen said...

khailing:

So you should do the things which make you feel alive. :)

It somehow surprised me like how you're willing to go to art museums even though you don't enjoy them.

But I think art is everywhere, from our very own aesthetic view of ourselves, like why a person chooses this dress for dinner instead of the other one, like why we think someone is beautiful, and the other's not, these are all our very own aesthetics view. :)

There are many types of art, and not all artists or artsy people enjoy all the different types of art too.. :)

cheng yeon said...

大家都有自己的問題
最重要要找到自己喜歡的東西,things that can give you the motivation, bring up your spirits. 有時我自己也會覺得自己很無能,不是我不喜歡,而是再懷疑自己到底有沒有那個能力去做某件事情。可是我知道我唯有繼續走下去,要努力,因為我知道我真的是喜歡這行業,it's like the way you love art. Struggling are unpleasant, but it is necessary. 妳要加油,身邊有很多支持你的人(請別覺得這些都是屁話,哈)I think you can find the meaning and purpose of it, which can lead you to a way you feel much better and comfortable. We will support you always, girl =)

Li Wen said...

谢谢你啊~~阿羊~
嘻嘻,哪里有屁话,虽然老套可是确实就是这样……

我也真不敢相信我决定去农业公园的skytrex了……
其实我是希望可以锻炼自己不放弃的意志力……

总觉得自己需要面对挑战,才可以站得更高,看得更远,走得更稳,活得更好,更满足;不能老是因为害怕,而一直待在自己的comfort zone,我很想再次感受我们中学常常感受的“我成长了”的感觉,我在原地打转了很久,突然就想起莹运常说的一句话,站在半路,比走到终点更辛苦;我现在正是如此,有时候总是没有勇气,胆小到忘了自己最喜欢的东西。

所以,我真的要挑战自己了,我把去extreme skytrex的决定,当成是一个对自己要不畏惧要勇往直前的起点,然后努力在努力,就像以前自己也很努力当一个好学长,即使身边总会有人不开心自己的决定,然而自己也不可以动摇!我真的很怕高,体力也不好,也不知道我是否有勇气或者有足够的体力完成,更不知道自己从何来的勇气决定跟自己的fear拼了。

要做回勇于面对挑战的林俪雯!