Acceptance

It has never changed -- even after a decade long -- it seems to have gone worse as time passes by, I think I have given up on any little hope that I have left trying to change it.

I think I just need to accept that, some things really doesn't change. It just is.

I can't remember how many times I have blamed myself for all the things that turned out extremely unpleasant.

It's my fault.
I didn't try hard enough.
I am not good enough.
I am not what I thought I were.
I am not the great person as I thought I can be.

Poisoned thoughts -- they still haunt me.

It's very difficult having to put on different faces in different situations. I believe everything about me is real -- but I don't know, perhaps no other person thinks that way except myself.

For things that cannot be changed -- I can only change myself.

I needed to accept the unpleasant is in fact -- pretty much impossible to change (at least... not in a decade.. or in the decades to come) -- so that way I can use the energy I originally placed on changing the unpleasant to changing myself instead.

I just need to accept it.

What have I become of

Shouldn't my body become lighter
But why are these weights pulling me lower?

Shouldn't my mind become clearer
But why is decision-making giving me fear?

Shouldn't my heart be filled with joy
But why is the arrival of the Day making me dread?

In the end
What exactly have I become of

I am an introvert.

A search on the dictionary gave me this:

introvert
a person concerned primarily with inner thoughts and feelings rather than with the physical or social environment.

I actually feel pretty happy to know that in recent years, people have been talking about how being an introvert isn't a negative thing - such as, introverts just enjoy some lone time by ourselves just like how extroverts enjoy socializing with friends. It's not entirely like an anti-social or a shy behaviour.

I identify myself as an introvert at a young age - but being an introvert isn't something to be proud of back then. I had even once doubted that maybe I wasn't actually an introvert - because at times I don't feel "extremely shy" but I even enjoyed performing or speaking in public at some point. But I am still an introvert. Being introverted is not about being unable to deliver or express something in front of people. (Side note: I am still a shy person regardless.)

I am an introvert - whether at times I may or may not look like one. Introverts do enjoy talking and mingling with people - just not all the time. There's another thing that I would like to mention which is regarding personal space. I suppose this is not an introvert-only thing, but I just wanted to highlight that introverts probably treasure personal space a bit more than extroverts. Some extrovert friends would tell me they'd feel bored and lonely when there's no one in the house, so they would ask their friends to hang out with them. But I suppose this is different for the introverts. I'd be more than happy to enjoy this expanded solitude and doesn't have to share the space with anyone else. Of course, I would still enjoy a good small company of my closest friends and family - but that doesn't mean that I don't need my personal space, it's just that I don't need that wide a distance of my personal space compared to strangers or acquaintances.

I am writing this because it's been a while since I actually ponder on what kind of person I am. Being an introvert is not something new to me, but yet it is so important for me to remind myself that the things I do and the things I felt are not something out of character (read: gone crazy). This is one of the ways to tell that I am thinking and trying to organize my thoughts.

跨前一小步

好一阵子没有发新帖，这是好事、也是件坏事。

好事——因为已经告诉自己不用再狠心地仔细记载一些不愉快的事情。总不想回顾的时候…… 就只有满满地负能量。我自己也会犯错啊，我也不想因为自己的失误，而让别人只记得我的不好，把我的错失记下来“遗臭万年”。

至于坏事——向来我是一个很内向的人，涂涂写写其实就是我整理自己的方式。除了没有在这里记载一些不愉快的事情，还有一个小心结莫过于因为我一直处在一个模糊的状况中。那种犹豫、不明确、不坚定、漂浮的感觉，大概都是缠绕我最久、影响我最多的感觉。加上许久没有涂涂写写了，找朋友聊聊也是达不到涂涂写写的整理效果。

虽然说，我不想再记载不愉快的事情，准确一些应该是我不要记下别人如何使我生气的事情，以及记下别人的过错。至于自己使自己不愉快的时候…… 其实还有很多。也是出于习惯，自己忧郁的时候…… 我就来了。

执着和坚持是什么东西？
我其实并没有那不害怕别人眼光和接受各样批评的勇气。

成长，会让自己改变一些稚气的想法。
常常会有人说：“不要管别人说什么，尽管做你要做的事吧！开心就好！”
真的吗？真的可以不需要管吗？

我认为，成长的其中一环，就是当我们开始会顾及别人的感受，为自己的行为所造成的后果承担责任。因此我也会去想为何此人会不认同我的行为、或是为何我的举动会让别人反感。艰难的是要在这些顾及里头，辨别出何时进退、何时顺从、何时不理会。中庸是一门我还没有掌握的学问，所以我很容易就昏头昏脑了（然后自个儿纳闷流泪）。

农历新年去旧迎新的意义对我来说最重要。每当想起农历新年和古时希伯来人的逾越节有着那么多相同之处，还是会让我会心一笑。我们的文化其实没有离袮很远哪。送旧迎新的农历新年，仿佛才像是真正地过了一年，2014进入2015年，其实我也没有太深的感触。至于今年的农历新年…… 我想我会抱着很不一样的心情。

确实就象在前头提过的…… 嗯，我是带着有点忧郁的复杂心情……

有些事情就是突然间就发生了啊——我其实没有抱怨，虽然一收到消息难免还是会惊讶得不知所措，但是心底知道这是迟早会发生的事，只是我这种慢吞吞的人，大概也不会主动采取一些什么太勇敢的行动；而且，我觉得这是上帝给我的回答——对于我之前一直在祈求的事。

脑袋漂浮在云里的那个我，大概一点都不觉得这是一件坏事，倒是松了一口气。
但脚踏在地上的那个我，就会觉得这是一件很糟的事，身边的亲人也会这样觉得吧。

自从自己的青春渐渐流逝的时候，背负的担子也不知不觉越来越多，要在理想(ideal)和踏实(practical)之间找一个平衡点所需的冒险精神和勇气，就变得越来越大。因为年纪越大，跌倒再站起来的代价也就相对的提高——因为生活并不是你自己一个人的。

感恩的是，我知道这条路上我并不孤单，虽然我也不怎么知道自己现在站在哪里，还有以后要走往哪里，可是我就还是会相信那个脑袋漂浮在云里的我吧。亲爱的，虽然我自己是认为自己并不属于那两个极端——现实主义和理想主义（因为我是悲观主义的……），而我在你（和其他人）面前总是一副很不可靠、懦弱无能的样子；我也试着告诉你“理想主义”其实和“坚守原则”是两回不一样的事，可是我就好像没有证明出一些什么东西来，我成了那个空口说白话的理想主义者。不晓得你有没有发现，如果我被至亲泼了一大缸的冷水，我是很有可能就马上打退堂鼓的人。但心底的压抑，就不是像水那样泼了就没有了的情绪——它会渐渐像浆糊般的乌云那样粘附着，然后胆小的我就越来越忧郁……

我知道，改变是必须的。

这个农历新年，我的复杂心情就是这样。虽然我看不见，我也没有很多时间，但我也只能够一小步一小步地往前跨，也不知道要往哪里跨，可能要走很多步之后，才会发现这是一条路。

最后，恭祝羊年快乐、步步高升！