31.12.11

二零一一年目標回顧 | 2011 Resolution Review

2011, a year of mixed feelings.
Thank you Lord for all His blessings for me even though I did not deserved them.
I completed 5 out of 11 resolutions that I made, I need to have a clearer idea on what I want to do in the coming year.

1. Relationship with God. = Success =

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditioned love and patience for me, please discipline me and teach me to put You first in everything I do.

- first thing in the morning, pray to God
- attends life church and talk-it-over discussions
- complete Youversion reading plan by May 2011

=  I did not pray in the mornings consistently, but my faith has grown stronger than ever - I kept making this prayer few years back to God to strengthen my faith, and now He made my faith strong.
= I did not attend Lifechurch consistently, especially during the last quarter of the year, I did not attend even once. But God gave me a strong push in going to a physical church. 
= Completed Youversion reading plan in May 2011.

2. Writing.= Success =

There are voices in my mind 24/7. They never shut up and sometimes I lose control of my emotions and feel very bipolar. I'm sorry that I'm unstable.

- jot down/take pic of important things
- organize my messy thoughts

= I am picking this habit back again, around the month of October, since father was in the hospital.

3. Exercise.= Failed =

Exercise helps to balance brain chemicals. Besides staying healthy, it helps to maintain my 'healthy' mood, so I will have less unstable times.

- jogging and/or swimming every weekend, 1 - 2 time(s)
- basic stretching
- wants to be able to bend over and touch the ground

= My old sports shoes doesn't work well anymore, so I stopped jogging. 
= I did not do much stretching and I still can't touch the ground without bending my knees.
= I've gained 2kg of weight, grown fatter around the tummy/waist/buttock area.

4. Reading. = Success =

Reading keeps me focused and ponder on some thoughts. I seriously need to relearn how to focus and concentrate.

- Finish "1Q84" (book 1 & 2) by Murakami Haruki
- NEW: Finish "1Q84" (book 3) by Murakami Haruki
- Finish "艺术治疗" by Dr. Shaun McNiff
- Finish Phil Yeh's and Chin Yew's Comics

= I haven't finish Dr. Shaun McNiff's  藝術治療, but I considered this a success because I've been reading something everyday as a habit already.
= Read mangas online, I am too lazy to list down the titles.
= Read 1Q84 (Book 1-3) by 村上春樹, Phil Yeh and Chin Yew's graphic novels, 廚房by 吉本芭娜娜,Peacemaker Kurogane Vol.1-5 (manga), Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always (graphic novel).
= Currently still reading 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff / 徐志摩詩集 / Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan

5. Train my left hand. = Failed =

Due to less-than-severe-but-not-light injury from repetitive strain on my right hand/arm/颈椎, I would really want to put less strain on my right hand by training my left hand to do certain simple activities. It's good for the brain too.

- brush teeth
- write
- doodle

= I learnt how to brush my teeth with my left hand, but not writing and doodling. But I'm glad that the arm is not hurting soooo much already. 

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files. = Failed =

Workspace and the environment reflects your mind state. This has been on my to-do list like... for years. *guilty and embarassed* Yeah I have a very messy state of mind. I need to do something about it, the aim is to be “乱中有序” (luan4 zhong1 you3 xu4),which means it seems messy but in fact there are certain rules/discipline to it, this has been my “座右铭” (zuo4 you4 ming2,motto) since high school.

Areas:
- workspace
- wardrobe
- bookcase(s)
- room desk
- room shelves

Digital Files and Non-digital Files:
- back up important files
- arrange them in appropriate folders and location
- Photos: upload.

= Although I did some cleaning up, but it's still not enough to tick all the above off. 

7. Draw. = Failed =

I wonder why I almost put this last.

- Paint something digitally.
- Clean up my dA deviations.

= I almost wanted to put a success until I read what I typed: paint something digitally and cleaning up dA deviations. I did not 'paint' something digitally, and I left my dA as it was, besides uploaded some traditional works once in a while. 

8. Revise Japanese Language.= Failed =

- just wanna be able to read hiragana and katakana without any difficulty

= I revised but slacked off since the 3rd quarter of the year. 

9. ll-m. = Failed =

No clear plans on this yet, but I will try.

= I still don't know what I want to do with this. Swt. 

10. Graduate and earn money. = Success =

Does this count? But I really wanna graduate very badly.
This is vague but yeah, regardless of full-time or part-time job, earn a decent amount of money then pay my own debts and give money to parents.

= Haven't pay all the debts - but I graduated and earned some money. Just that I couldn't gave it to my papa anymore, but I still have my lovely mama to give.

11. Drive to places. = Success =

If you see a driver that annoys you so much that you can't stop honking and pressure her, that's probably me. Sorry, I very noob, please forgive me, but I really have to learn to drive to places by myself. T_T

.= I drove to places, but still not very good in recognizing roads and directions. A good start, and a good experience of a minor accident and making a police report and claiming insurance.

30.12.11

十二月份报告 | Monthly Report: December 2011

過得有一點恍惚,有一點不真實。

爸爸離開我們,剛好一個月了。

我從小就是個哭包,想爸爸的時候
就哭了。有時候哭兩分鐘。
有時候哭一個小時。
有時候哭了又止、止了又哭。
不等。

(爸爸不喜歡別人哭。
我不可以哭醬多。)

哥今天寫了一句話
"It's been a month since father's left. We've kept things the same, but somehow they're different now."

再也貼切不過了。

1. Relationship with God.

- Did not attend lifechurch and lifegroup meetings.
- Attended Christmas Eve's gathering at church with bf, God gave him a special gift this Christmas. :)
- Attended church on Christmas day too.
- When I start to distance myself with Him, I easily got caught back in the negative self-pity self. The devil will try to fill in the void inside whenever I let myself become vacant.

4. Reading.

- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff pg.127
- 徐志摩詩集 pg.85
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan pg.15
- and read quite some mangas online that I didn't bother to list down

11. Drive to places.
- 27/12那天,出車禍了,對方車子不讓,所以我撞上去了。大家都說是小意外,可是對方堅持要報警。我被罰了款。也辛苦哥和嫂載我到處跑著處理文件和保險的事,還有浪費很多在警察局等待的時間。第一次車禍,嚇死我了。

明天再貼上一整年目標達成與否的總結。

24.12.11

處理悲傷

十二月四日,只打了以下三行字。

“還是
悲痛。

爸爸,好想好想您。”

------

就沒了。
其實,真的、寫不出來。

文字也解決不了的事。
大概除了埋在枕頭里大哭又大哭
然後哭累了就昏昏睡個十五二十分鐘
就再也沒有其他恢復自己的方法。

從爸爸離開那天到今天
除了把自己弄到累到不行什麼都不想去想的時候
其他的天都哭了。

我想,我只會用這種方式
來處理悲傷。

其實以為過了很久很久
以為爸爸不在身邊的日子過了很久很久
也拖了這篇日誌很久很久

那天才發現
原來爸爸離開
只有三個星期啊

我拖著拖著時間
算算今天,爸爸離開
也不到一個月。

冬至剛過。
雖然家人都沒有說為什麼今年決定在外邊圍爐
可是我想
我們都眀瞭
不在家裡做大日子
也是不想為彼此鋪上一層厚厚的霜

以前爸爸媽媽總是一起負責買火鍋料
爸爸總是會買過多的火鍋料
媽媽總是會嫌太多
還有好吃的白斬雞,吃不完的雞肉會拿來炒潮州雞
爸爸都很喜歡吃的。
爸爸每次都會吃很多蒜米辣椒
記得小時候,大日子圍爐
我總是會被點笑穴的
每次都會鬧笑話
總是特別開心

結果我還是邊哭邊打了這些字。
爸爸的農曆和陽曆生日都快到了。
年也要來了。

爸爸,我工作了。

爸爸生前總是不讓人為他分擔他所操心的事
離開後也不讓我們有太多要操心的事
重要的,爸爸都整理出來了。

------

剛剛處理完一堆眼淚鼻涕。
還好不是用紙和筆寫的
不然紙張濕透了都還沒寫些什麼出來。

9.12.11

十一月份报告 | Monthly Report: November 2011

時間過得很快,尤其在年齡登上二十的寶座之後。

爸爸在十一月的最後一天離開了。
感謝上帝,financially blessed 了我們一家,感謝上帝願意在我們獻上微不足道的tithe和offering裡,接受了並multiply我們所獻上的,我們一家才能夠擁有如此大的福氣。
也感謝上帝,沒有對我們太狠心……先讓我們稍微適應家裡沒有爸爸的日子,才慢慢讓聖靈進入把拔的心,才慢慢帶走父親,雖然沒有親眼看見天使,但我會不斷地祈求,懇請上帝的天使們繼續守護著父親。

謝謝教友Shaista D以及朋友們的祈禱
謝謝所有教會的親戚朋友不斷地為父親禱告
上帝會賜福與你們。

上帝對我們prayers的回答只有三,那就是“Yes”, “Later” 或 “I have a better plan”
雖然上帝對我們的祈求沒有說“Yes”,可是我們深信上帝會有更好的計劃,
上帝是我們全能的神。

謝謝親愛姐妹們的支持,我很感動;
還有被坤中情聯繫著的朋友,雖然我們不曾很熟絡,
可是你們恰當的問候與支持,很讓人窩心。

1. Relationship with God.

- Did not attend lifechurch nor lifegroup meetings. :(
- Attended church once.
- Been seeing a lot of God's work and God's people at work, and there are many God's people around me.
- He gave me peace and took away my worries.

4. Reading.

- 藝術治療, Dr Shaun McNiff
- 徐志摩詩集
- Becoming A Person Of Influence, John C. Maxwell, Jim Dornan

3.12.11

爸爸不見了

家裡不見了爸爸
家裡有很多爸爸用的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸為我們準備的東西……
家裡有很多爸爸喜歡和辛苦收藏的東西……
家裡有很多從前到現在也列不完的爸爸的東西……
家裡都是爸爸

爸爸不見了
怎麼找爸爸也不在家

聽不見爸爸的聲音
聽不見爸爸那串鎖匙開門的聲音
聽不見爸爸打開文件櫃子的聲音
聽不見爸爸每天閱讀報紙的聲音
聽不見爸爸晚上睡覺打呼的聲音

看不見爸爸的身影
看不見爸爸專心閱報
看不見爸爸吃飯喝湯
看不見爸爸洗澡後的頭髮
被風扇吹著輕輕飄動的柔軟頭髮

可是透過我的眼睛
或者是我們的眼睛
卻還可以清楚看見和聽見
爸爸坐在專屬的位子上看報紙、拆信
爸爸上樓梯、到房間、開衣櫥、拿毛巾洗澡
開電燈開關、關門
那些聲音 我認得
是爸爸的節奏
那些屬於爸爸獨有的節奏

爸爸您真的不在了嗎?
您在家裡的存在感 依然是那麼的強烈
彷彿您只是在家裡的另外一個房間
一個我不在那裡的房間
每一個角落都感受到爸爸
每一角落都有爸爸……

我卻在哪一個角落
都找不著爸爸


-----

對新事兒的熱誠
也突然減低了許多
本來新事兒讓我興奮
因為我正準備在您好起來的時候
跟你分享我的新事兒
我知道您一定會有意見
我想我也會知道您的想法
您一定會鼓勵我、支持我
您總是對我選擇面對人、與人相處的事兒
抱著鼓勵和支持的態度
我想听您親口對我說
我很想聽您親口對我說
可是爸爸您不見了
所以什麼也聽不到了
新事兒也不新鮮了
爸爸不見了

22.11.11

谷底的心


跌落到谷底去了。
沒想到自己會那麼在意
在意得除了覺得低落
什麼也提不起勁了。


跌落到谷底去了。
是不是只有我一個被留下?
我在意得差點可以邊走邊哭
貢茶也不想喝了。


跌落到谷底去了。

原來在這種時候
我是那麼地依賴
那麼地依賴這新事兒

依賴新事兒
可以暫且忘掉
每天都得想起的難過
所以日子好像變得沒那麼難過了。

可是心
還是跌落到谷底去了。
新事兒好像不太需要我

可是我還需要自己
所以只好等待
在谷底的心
慢慢地攀爬上來。

7.11.11

十月份报告 | Monthly Report: October 2011

Things happened.

I'm trying to cope with it by searching for a job, in hope that when he recovers, I could tell him I'm happily working in some company already. He had seen me doing nothing at home after I completed my studies. I think this used to worried him. I'm trying to make up for things - although I'm not sure how. I even thought that maybe it was because that I wanted to run away from problems, so I kept myself busy with my job. But I think it's not really running away, it's just that I wanted to do something, than to see him suffer and couldn't help.

Hope is getting vague each day. But I still want to believe, things happen for a reason, and us being in the situation can't see the big picture yet. So I want to keep on believing, no matter how impossible it may seem, because God is infinite. I believe in miracles, and I want to witness the miracle. I will keep on believing in the most impossible, because God can make everything possible.


1. Relationship with God.

- Attended twice of church online sermons for the first two weeks.


4. Reading.

- Read Clive Barker's The Thief Of Always, graphic novel adaptation.

5. Train my left hand.


For brushing teeth and petty little things occasionally, because my right hand's aching doesn't occur so often anymore.

15.10.11

九月份报告 | Monthly Report: September 2011

Sorry I've forgotten to publish this. Not much things done.

1. Relationship with God.

- Missed church online.
- Completed "Major Events" reading plan on Youversion

4. Reading.

- Dr. Shaun McNiff's "艺术治疗" (Art as Medicine), at pg 111. (9 pages this month, swt)
- Been reading Peacemaker manga I've bought very long ago (2005), vol. 1 to 5.

5. Train my left hand.

Only used it for brushing teeth occasionally.

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.

Slowly progressing.

2.10.11

巨人不要倒下

我心中的巨人
倔强忠直的巨人
我爱戴又敬畏的巨人

何时开始憔悴的倦容
何时开始微驼的双肩
何时开始的不稳的步伐

我们都看在眼里了
我又能做什么
亲爱的

我连心疼
也无法在你面前表露出来
也不敢在你面前表露出来
我大概一辈子也不懂得如何忍着不让眼泪掉下
所以宁愿不表露
但不表露不代表不在乎
我们的心焦虑还疼着

亲爱的巨人,请您不要倒下
永远也不要倒下
巨人不要倒下
我的巨人不可以倒下……

27.9.11

灰灰浮浮

有点久没有写东西了。
从上一篇以来,只写过一篇私人的日记。
近来跟朋友说的话,比跟自己说的话好像还多出很多。
也不是不喜欢写东西了,只是有时候……
可能是不想要自己一个人思考吧。
不是很喜欢自己脑袋里灰灰浮浮的东西。
可是却又很容易让自己沉溺在那种灰灰浮浮的想法里头。
习惯喜欢看似很接近,发音也很相似,但就是不一样。

其实我没有很外向,也没有很内向。
不管每天说了多少话,独处的时候,我还是会不自觉地自言自语。
记得有一次我在黑暗的书房里自言自语的时候,把我的亲爱的给吓着了。
抱歉呵,我……没有不正常。哈。

日光之上,有爱我的天父。
今天听到了让我又忍不住热泪盈眶的事。
只要你诚心祷告,上帝真的是听得见的。
上帝听见了婆婆的祷告,让手无寸铁的婆婆勇敢面对手持巴冷刀匪徒,也没有受到匪徒的伤害。
感恩!Hallelujah!
那种不懂从何来的勇气,我们知道,是从上帝而来的。
那种愉悦的心,大概只有亲身体验过,才明白为何我总是听见其他信徒的祷告被回答了的时候,我心里也是无比地感恩与激动。我也会一直为亲爱的祷告… :)
祷告其实很简单,就好像对朋友说话一样,真心诚意地对祂说话。

我看似如假包换的理想主义者,但我想……我没有飘得那么高。
然而又没有稳稳地踩在地上,所以总是是浮浮的。
虽然自己是偏向那种喜欢分辨黑白、对错的人,但有时候我也不喜欢太绝对情况。
也许因为这样,我不做太冒险的事,又不愿选择无风无浪的路;总是不上不下的。
自己喜欢的东西,也有一点难下定义;看似什么都喜欢,其实又好像有点挑。
看似很容易相处的人,其实好像也没有。

就是灰灰的。
也许像在空中的一朵云。
也许是云,会下起淅小雨的。

4.9.11

八月份报告 | Monthly Report: August 2011

Selamat Hari Raya and Happy Merdeka Day to all!

Time to conclude this month's progress again.

1. Relationship with God.

- Downloaded and watched 4 Lifechurch sermons, 1 complete series of "BOLD"
- Am on track for my "Major Events" reading plan on Youversion

4. Reading.

- Dr. Shaun McNiff's "艺术治疗" (Art as Medicine), at pg 102. (20 pages per month -_-)

5. Train my left hand.

Fairly good in using my left hand to brush teeth, just not as fast and strong as the right hand.

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.

Been cleaning up some boxes and areas of my room.

7. Draw.

Drawn 1 picture. Not posted online yet.

3.8.11

七月份报告 | Monthly Report: July 2011

1. Relationship with God.

- Attended 4 Lifechurch sessions, 1 complete series of "At The Movies"
- Am on track for my "Major Events" reading plan on Youversion
- Starting reading my new believer's bible from lifechurch as a gift
- Feeling grateful for everyday, feeling closer to God, and feeling Him close to me too :)

2. Writing.

- I blogged. Yeah.

3. Exercise.

- Only did inconsistent stretching exercises at home.
- Toe wound infection, can't swim.
- Sports shoes defect, can't jog comfortably. My shoes are making my feet pain even before I start to jog.

4. Reading.

- Finished reading "Kitchen" (厨房) by Yoshimoto Banana (吉本芭娜娜), sure is a sad emotional book.
- Dr. Shaun McNiff's "艺术治疗" (Art as Medicine), at pg 81.

5. Train my left hand.

Not doing any drawing and writing exercises with my left hand. But I'm fairly good in using my left hand to brush teeth already. But it's still slower and some angles are still very awkward to brush with the left hand.

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.

Been cleaning up parts of my workspace, my room and my laptop. Feels good!
Hope could get everything done soon!

7. Draw.

- Drawn 1 small pic. Heh. Extremely low productivity.
.

1.8.11

有一点沉重

好多好多的曾经,凌乱、散落一地。
摸到看到闻到的,还有只能用眼睛看的。
都是回不去的过去。

收藏了很多。
也丢了不少。

还有很多有待处置的。


作业、旧笔记
到《学海》、各类剪报
各处收集下来的文字摘录
随手记下的感想涂鸦
插图
小诗
小故事
还有从小自己
设定的人物
还有难以分类的杂物集锦

同样只有恋旧/恋物癖的伙伴们
才能够感同身受……那些旧杂物之多……哈哈。

直到中学毕业后的这几年来
一直
一直觉得
有一点沉重

最后,总算是作为我丢弃旧物
的理由。

有一点沉重
其一是因为
住所都被旧物塞得满满的。
真的好想要有多一点没有装东西的空间。

有一点沉重
也是因为对过去的自己
有一点愧疚。

后来我才发现
我翻回旧物时会微笑的原因。

所以,不要再愧疚了。

因为当年的自己
也许并没有像当年想像的那样
但闭上眼,手放到内心最深处时
那温度跟当年的是一样的。

今天的我依然,
明天还会更好。

如果哪天你发现我把有关你的东西弄丢了
请不要介意
我只是在过去和未来之间
做了个选择
因为我总得空出一些位子
才能够把我们更美好的明天存起来。

明天,会活得更美丽、更丰盛。

27.7.11

欲言又止

写过了很多篇draft,但还是没有publish出来。

我还是觉得应该对自己说过的话负责任。
发表过的文章,不能够随便再拿下来,不然部落格就没有了可信度。
在面子书发表过的言论,我也没有删除,毕竟只是想对自己的言行负责;这是我做人的原则之一。

所谓一言既出驷马难追,用嘴巴说的话像泼出去的水一样,没有办法收回的。
虽然现在数码科技允许我们undo及delete, 并不代表我们就可以随便对自己的言行undo和delete。

这样跟杀了人再毁灭证据有什么不一样?!(笑)

我就是这样偏执,懂我的朋友们大概都懂我对这一方面到底是有多么地坚守不移的。
巨蟹座的原则,大概只有巨蟹座的人才懂,可能还有那些固执的星座才懂(笑)。
巨蟹座有时候真的很令人讨厌,我自己也受不了自己。

所以其实呵,我是非常不认同那些喜欢发表煽动性的言论的朋友!发表了之后,发现有太多攻击性质的回复时,就不了了之地把自己和别人的回复言论一并删除了。这不是不负责任叫什么?!(激动)

就好像你不能够发脾气然后随便上街骂人家是猪头饼,然后恢复理智了就随便讲一声soli就拍拍屁股走人的啊。
虽然文字上的impact看来没有言语上的那样大,可是影响力和杀伤力是一定有的,不是说undo和delete了就可以一并把那些杀伤力undo或delete掉的。

可是又能怎么办,世界又不是绕着我而转动的。
所以很多时候,我...欲post又止了。(笑)

有一个朋友让我很敬佩的,他老是给朋友们“欺负”,有时候感觉上不是恶意地欺负或中伤他啦,可是每次不管他在不在场,朋友们就是喜欢把他当笑柄,然而他也不会反驳或抗议什么的,就还是很乐意地娱乐大家,好像也不介意别人把他当笑话。有一次我看不过眼,就私底下问他说怎么每次被人笑话都没有抗议或为自己辩护呢?他的回答很简短,也让我印象深刻,他只是笑笑地说,“因为我不想说一些我以后可能会后悔的话啊。”

这又让我想起以前学姐莹运在生活营里说过的话,那时因为玩团康游戏,然后输了都会有惩罚的,我知道惩罚的方式还真的是很尴尬难堪的,当然旁人看在眼里是很好笑的啦,可是她完成了惩罚之后,还不介意跟大家一起笑着说了一句“能够娱乐大家是我的荣幸!”

啊,太高境界了~我得多多学习才行!然后很巧的是,以上两位朋友……都是巨蟹座的哟!我只是希望自己不会变得太令人讨厌的巨蟹座啦。(笑)

13.7.11

厌恶

一张口。

什么事都有可能发生。
那些不请自来不受欢迎的东西。

那种时候
会突然被铁锤锤到拇指那样
比谁都更深刻地感觉到,

自己可以那么地令人厌恶。

6.7.11

六月份报告 | Monthly Report: June 2011

Time really flies faster when you over 20, and increasing its speed every year. Goodbye June. It's already half past year 2011.

1. Relationship with God.

- Haven't been attending Lifechurch and Talk-it-over sessions and my Gogetters Lifegroup ( > < ) - Started my "Major Events" reading plan on Youversion
- Completed some 2 topical reading plans, "Assurance" and "Diligence"
- Still trying to see and experience God in my everyday life, it's a shame that I'm not a diligent person

2. Writing.

- I wrote my diaries
- I blogged
- and I talked to people about my messy thoughts, though talking sometimes gets me stirred up, or even more confused, I know I just can't stop myself from thinking... and I have problems shutting down the 'constantly-thinking (about various stuffs)' program.

3. Exercise.

My original intention of exercising was to balance my brain chemicals, which is important for me to keep a 'healthy' or a 'normal' mood. Original plans includes jogging and swimming, basic stretching and bend down touch the ground.

- Jogged once, but I don't think I can jog in my old running shoes anymore. It made my feet ached, my whole feet started to feel the pain even I had just started to run... so... jogging needs to wait.
- I think... I swam once. Yeah.
- Basic stretching, yes very simple ones, and some random dances at home. Lol.
- No, I still can't touch the ground.

4. Reading.

- Finish "1Q84" (book 1 & 2) by Murakami Haruki
- NEW: Finish "1Q84" (book 3) by Murakami Haruki
- Dr. Shaun McNiff's "艺术治疗" (Art as Medicine) is really time-consuming, I need to keep on repeating the same lines before I could roughly understand what it means. It's not a bad read (or was the translation that's bad? :p) but it is deep, personal, opinionated, academic, comparisons, experience and imagination type of book. I theeenk. I'm on page 66 btw.
- Started reading "Kitchen" (厨房) by Yoshimoto Banana (吉本芭娜娜), pg24. Damn it reminds me of my old blog, and the story... reminds me of the Japanese manga by Hatori Bisco, Ouran High School Host Club.


[WARNING SPOILER AHEAD]






WHY does Japanese single father likes to transgender and works in a pub because they think they'll never fall in love with another woman again? Or did Hatori Bisco actually DID plagiarized the background of the father from Yoshimoto Banana? OR was it a... common backstory for Japanese plot? Sorry, I just couldn't stand the generic type of story. -___-







[SPOILER ENDS]


5. Train my left hand.

Going well according to plan. Been using my left hand to practice brushing teeth, practice writing and doodling. Still need more time to fully get used to the activities.

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.

*Ahem* Work-in-progress.

7. Draw.

- Did commissions.
- Drawn one fanart. *runs in embarassment*

8. Revise Japanese Language.

- Japanese... no.
- Korean, I think I can recognize some korean alphabets already, but not all yet.

9. ll-m.

Hmm, not yet for this one.

10. Graduate and earn money.

Ok, not yet earn money lah.

11. Drive to places.

Hmm.. drove to a couple of more places nearby. Less worried already, but still mom's nagging is still severely harming my already-very-low-and-pitiful self-confidence in driving. Sigh. Btw, my side parking sucks like nobody else.

.

3.7.11

最亲的人

为什么最亲的人总是要恶言相对?
为什么最亲的人总是要加入很多自己的想法和观念在自己所有的言论和行为上?

为什么最亲的人就是不懂得聆听?
为什么最亲的人就是喜欢先讲难听的话才愿意给你答案?
为什么最亲的人就越是不懂自己想要追求的是什么?
为什么最亲的人都不信任我的能力?


为什么一想到最亲的人

我眼泪就一直往下掉

23.6.11

Voices

This is my first newspaper blackout. I decided to do it on a Chinese magazine.
Inspired by Austin Kleon's Newspaper Blackout.

Translation (literally):
Outer voices
are the blockage of dreams.
Inner voices
are the courage.


I really love one of Austion Kleon's saying - Creativity is subtraction.
I couldn't agree more.

经常被遗忘的两三事。

1 我的一个梦想。

我有一个梦想。
想当艺术家。
语言就是这样奇妙。
用中文的话,听起来总是有点做作。
所以我一般都会说,
I want to be an artist.

如果你问我
想当什么样的artist?
我其实也不太能回答。



2 不想熟悉,陌生的自己。

现在,我
其实不懂该做什么才好。
独角兽说的,
"没想到出口太多,更容易让人迷失方向。"

长期留在自己最熟悉的地方,
自己会变得越来越陌生。



3 简单的喜悦。

我喜欢事物
很多很多。
太多了
自己被自己技术上的不足
瞎了眼,看不见
曾经只是因为喜欢
而创作
那一种很简单的喜悦

9.6.11

五月份报告 | Monthly Report: May 2011

Just a short update, because I have been shamelessly playing a lot of games - which means I'm not really doing much things other than gaming and wasting time.

*Having a Blast! - I am having so much fun that it's almost criminal!*
Can you guess one of the games that I've been playing? :p

1. Relationship with God.
Completed First Step Reading Plan on YouVersion. God heard my Sun Stand Still prayer. Thank you Lord Jesus, for having mercy on me.

4. Reading.
- "1Q84" (book 3) by Murakami Haruki, at page 273

I love this booooook!!

5. Train my left hand.
Brushed my teeth with both left and right hand. When right hand hurts, I use the left. When the right hand feels fine, I use the right. =p

7. Draw.
Doing art commissions.

10. Graduate and earn money.
Ok! I'm not earning money yet... but I passed my Final Year Project! Yay!

.

31.5.11

裹粽子

妈咪:“做墨你的粽子包到好像kuih koci酱的……”
我: *汗颜*

-----

后来妈咪帮我补救了我包的几粒粽子(勉强算是包了几粒,不过还是算妈妈包的),总算像回粽子了。我包一粒,她就包了一打。肉酸的粽,都是我包的,呵呵呵。

提早祝各位端午节快乐。(落在6/6/11)

8.5.11

乌黑

 夜是一头乌黑
的长发。

有时候很美丽
有时候很诡异

有时候散落着一些
棉白头皮屑。
有时候像厚实发束
绕颈般的窒息。

大概只能以一种随波逐流、不抗拒的形式
来面对这乌黑长发。
才可以融合在
同一种乌黑里
沉淀歇息。

因为夜是一头乌黑
的长发。

7.5.11

四月份报告 | Monthly Report: April 2011

Yikes, I told myself to update this in early May, and I almost forgot about it. It was a very unhealthy and stressful month for me. It's amazing to know I still can be very bipolar at times. Ups and downs. Somehow... God has shown me enough mercy and miracles. I just have to pull it through... and I know that it is the END of my whatever emotional drama; because someone who has a very high self-esteem (although it only applies to certain areas of my 'expertise') like myself just hate the feeling of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. So here it goes.

1. Relationship with God.
Went to life church twice I think. Read the notes but skipped the discussions because I was kinda losing track of time. BUT something BIG happened!!! This I cannot stop saying it! God answered my mother's and my prayers!! I kept on praying for a chance for me to complete my animation, and mother prayed for my self-confidence, and I had gotten both now. God is good! I cannot express my feeling of gratefulness. God never left me alone to rot, God is there watching over me, always. Thank you, my Lord!

3. Exercise.
- Did stretching and simple exercises inconsistently.
- Didn't jog at all.

4. Reading.
- Completed "1Q84" (book 2)
- Started "1Q84" (book 3)
- Reading Air Gear Manga, at chapter 249 now.

5. Train my left hand.

Brush teeth using both my right hand and the left.

11. Drive to places.
Only drove to campus and to friend's house nearby. Not much improvement.

Well, I've been working on my Final Year Project this month, not to mention about personal matters, because there always will be a particular group of friends who doesn't know how to respect. To those who are not my close friends, yes I am actually very particular and picky towards the way you express yourself to me.

26.4.11

两极

我们的世界很奇妙,创造世界的神很完美。

有白天、有黑夜;
有欢喜、有悲伤。

有生、有死。
我们笑着迎接新的生命,哭着送走逝去的生命。
在欢笑声中被接到这世上,在悲泣中离开。

孩子学着成为大人;大人想着成为孩子。
我们越长大,越需要被提醒连孩子们都会的事。
孩子们却一直被教导着如何成为懂事成熟的孩子。

未知的事,大人害怕;
失败的事,大人恐惧。

未知的事,孩子探索;
失败的事,孩子根本不懂什么叫失败。

我的赤子之心,不会远去。
那些很单纯没有一点杂念的信念。
Childlike faith.

世间万物都是一个圆
有始

有终。

14.4.11

Problems

I have a confession to make, it's probably very common, but I still have to confess. I have problems concentrating on one thing at a time, and it's getting serious.

Anyway this is just a post for me to once again acknowledge and admit my own weakness and problem, I didn't mention this problem to people much, except a close friend.

I think it started about 4 years ago, when I start to notice that I find it hard to concentrate under all those stress with various activities. But the symptoms are getting worse. Even if I plug off my internet cable, and doing nothing else but one work, my mind gets carried away with something else. I couldn't even sit still sometimes.

I believe I don't have ADHD, since it's biological and I had never shown any similar symptoms during my childhood. I've found advices and suggestions to overcome this concentration problem. Just to mention a few, which probably sounds general, such as setting goals, time management, shaping some good habits and routines. There are some which sounds really useful to me, like getting rid of clutter at the workplace, including keeping the brain clutter-free. Besides the outer distractions, I had experienced my brain being extremely distracted, like in one moment, the brain is telling me dozens of different things, emotions, problems, weather, myths, past memories, future possibilities... etc. Sometimes they become rather overwhelming when I'm not controlling those thoughts. Another advice from psychologists  will also be exercise. Exercise get rid of the extra energy in individuals who had ADHD, and it balances the brain chemicals. I used to keep a weekly jogging routine in certain months, and I had not been experiencing severe concentration problems. When I slack off and skipped exercises, before I realized it, I'm drowned in my own unstable emotions and it includes inability to focus on one thing for a long time.

The most frustrating thing about this concentration problem is, when you know how far your abilities can go and the result doesn't reflect your own ability at all.

I got over with my mild depression, and I want to learn to concentrate for important and long tasks. I'll make an effort to be like myself and become a better individual. May God strengthen me and guide me through difficult situations.

31.3.11

三月份报告 | Monthly Report: March 2011


March didn't become a productive month for me. I still chicken out on things.

1. Relationship with God.
Went to life church weekly, joined a talk-it-over discussion. Did prayers, but I am not sure if I did things right, not sure if I'm on the right path. My bible reading plan is almost 3 weeks behind the schedule. The feeling of recording a reverse progress feels terrible.

2. Writing.
No... not thinking too much lately, so haven't been writing to myself. But have been exchanging letters and thoughts with friends. Philosophy and views on various things, specifically in love.

3. Exercise.
- Did stretching inconsistently.
- Didn't jog at all. T_T

4. Reading.

- On page 255 for "1Q84" (book 2)
- Completed Chin Yew's titles.
- Reading Air Gear Manga, at chapter 249 now.

5. Train my left hand.

Brush teeth using both my right hand and the left, the left hand doesn't do the job well.
Haven't practice doodling and writing with my left hand yet.
Washed dishes with my left hand once.

8. Revise Japanese Language.

Revised some Japanese hiragana and kanji pronunciation, thanks yenyen for helping with my revision. Haven't done any Hangul consonants and vowels revision.

11. Drive to places.
I'm still driving dangerously.I'm sorry, please forgive me, I'm very noob.
I drove to the post office in Cyberjaya, drove to Mid Valley and drove through Puchong with the aid from Mummi and Jacky, my side parking still suck. But I feel more intimate with Gaga now.

30.3.11

SeDi Challenge

To those who have been following my blog since decades ago, SeDi might sound familiar to you. I made this term "SeDi" as a short for self-discipline, so yeah this is a Self-Discipline Challenge!

Previous SeDi Projects were.... failures. *look down on myself* Being reminded again by this post here, I decided to start one again, changing it from 'SeDi Project' to 'SeDi Challenge'. Because instead of doing the project, I want to overcome this challenge.

It is not fun to see my low self-esteem in my degree course constantly bulging into my life. My lack of confidence had been leading to severe procrastination. I keep imagining what ifs situations and become depressed and freak myself out. I keep praying, I think the Lord is constantly giving me chances (that I don't deserve) to overcome my fear, because He is this wonderful and patient.

I hated the weekly cycle. I despise my low self-esteem. I want to change.

The following is a daily to-do list:

1. Prayers
2. Work on FYP
3. Draw/write
4. Sleep early, not later than 2am; wake up early, not later than 10am.

This daily routine targets to work the hardest and most important task the first thing in the morning. No randomly checking emails, no facebook, no kongregate, no long chats when I'm working. I've spent too much time wandering off elsewhere.

Plan starts the day after this post.

I will post something after a week on my progress and results.

15.3.11

一刻钟的浪漫

静得
只听得见风扇没有高低起伏
重复转动的声音。

墙上的时钟有意无意地陪着
这样的夜晚,滴答滴答
述说着美丽的寂寞。

荧幕经营着人造光
目光停留在荧幕上正中央。

灵魂却早已悄悄地
在享受不足一刻钟的浪漫。

9.3.11

小雨

天空有一点阴,但没能挡住阳光。

下起小雨了。

小水滴渐渐布满汽车的挡风镜。
不过还不需要开扫水器,
柏油路上也没有很湿。

不像豪雨的一瞬间
就能够不费力地
染黑柏油路;
就能够困住地面的
人事物。

很快就可以划清
自己的地盘了。


小雨再下大一点吧,
新的扫水器就能够派上用场了。

天空有一点阴,但没能挡住阳光。

淅沥小雨,
只能继续下着。

3.3.11

二月份报告 | Monthly Report: Feb 2011

Link to: 2011 Reso-Resolution

Progress on the following goals this month. I'm slipping!

1. Relationship with God.

Uh uh, not good. I had been distant with Him.

- Forgetting to do morning prayers, did them 2-3 times in a week. > < - Lifechurch streaming has been extremely lag. Did not join any talk-it-over, but still read the sermon notes. - My bible reading plan is behind schedule by a week.

2. Writing.
Did some random notes on some small thoughts and feelings. Here and there, some were written and some were typed. Had not gone through my collection of notes and diaries and photos.

3. Exercise.
- Did stretching inconsistently.
- Jogged once, and it rained.

4. Reading.
- On page 393 for "1Q84" (book 1)
- Completed Phil Yeh's graphic novels.
- Rereading Air Gear Manga, at chapter 63 now.

5. Train my left hand.
Brushed teeth with left hand, most of the days.

8. Revise Japanese Language.
Revised some Japanese hiragana, been slightly better in Japanese input.
And started to learn Hangul. Haha wtf.

.

31.1.11

一月份报告 | Monthly Report: Jan 2011

Link to: 2011 Reso-Resolution

Had some progress on the following goals this month.

1. Relationship with God.

God has been extremely kind to me and has shown mercy on me. His voice has never been this clear before, I am extremely touched, it's an amazing feeling that no words can describe. May God bless everyone who reads this.

- I did morning prayers, but not everyday. I want to make this a habit.
- Attended weekly online churches and talk-it-over discussions.
- My bible reading plan is on schedule.

2. Writing.
This monthly report is part of the effort for organizing my messy thoughts (and helping me to stay on track). Some pictures were taken, but haven't gone through them yet.

- I'm losing my habit of writing (diary), instead, I kept little notes here and there.

3. Exercise.
- Did stretching like once in a while, inconsistently.
- Jogged only once.

4. Reading.
- On page 152 for "1Q84" (book 1)
- Read a couple of Phil Yeh's graphic novels.

5. Train my left hand.
Been using my left hand to brush my teeth, almost everyday, every time.

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.
Sort of cleaned up my work area, but I am still looking for some 'perfect' location to place some stuffs, instead of just placing it somewhere. I want to get this done before CNY.

11. Drive to places.
Drove all by myself for the first time, on 27th Jan 2011.

.

26.1.11

不要畏惧

现在的我
不敢动
眼睛呆滞锁着前方
脚扎根在地上了。

回想
去年的我
应该早就落跑了。

抬头
有天父
看守着我

所以现在的我
我不敢逃了
不能往回跑了。

只是我还是
不够勇敢。

恳请天父
在后面推我一把
好让我可以前进
毫无畏惧的
勇敢前进。

愿主永远与我们同在
奉主耶稣的名
阿门。

17.1.11

乱中带序二零一一 | 2011 Reso-reso Resolution

1. Relationship with God.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your unconditioned love and patience for me, please discipline me and teach me to put You first in everything I do.

- first thing in the morning, pray to God
- attends life church and talk-it-over discussions
- complete Youversion reading plan by May 2011

2. Writing.

There are voices in my mind 24/7. They never shut up and sometimes I lose control of my emotions and feel very bipolar. I'm sorry that I'm unstable.

- jot down/take pic of important things
- organize my messy thoughts

3. Exercise.

Exercise helps to balance brain chemicals. Besides staying healthy, it helps to maintain my 'healthy' mood, so I will have less unstable times.

- jogging and/or swimming every weekend, 1 - 2 time(s)
- basic stretching
- wants to be able to bend over and touch the ground

4. Reading.

Reading keeps me focused and ponder on some thoughts. I seriously need to relearn how to focus and concentrate.

- Finish "1Q84" (book 1 & 2) by Murakami Haruki
- NEW: Finish "1Q84" (book 3) by Murakami Haruki
- Finish "艺术治疗" by Dr. Shaun McNiff
- Finish Phil Yeh's and Chin Yew's Comics

5. Train my left hand.

Due to less-than-severe-but-not-light injury from repetitive strain on my right hand/arm/颈椎, I would really want to put less strain on my right hand by training my left hand to do certain simple activities. It's good for the brain too.

- brush teeth
- write
- doodle

6. Tidy/Cleaning Up Areas and Files.

Workspace and the environment reflects your mind state. This has been on my to-do list like... for years. *guilty and embarassed* Yeah I have a very messy state of mind. I need to do something about it, the aim is to be “乱中有序” (luan4 zhong1 you3 xu4),which means it seems messy but in fact there are certain rules/discipline to it, this has been my “座右铭” (zuo4 you4 ming2,motto) since high school.

Areas:
- workspace
- wardrobe
- bookcase(s)
- room desk
- room shelves

Digital Files and Non-digital Files:
- back up important files
- arrange them in appropriate folders and location
- Photos: upload.

7. Draw.

I wonder why I almost put this last.

- Paint something digitally.
- Clean up my dA deviations.

8. Revise Japanese Language.

- just wanna be able to read hiragana and katakana without any difficulty

9. ll-m.

No clear plans on this yet, but I will try.

10. Graduate and earn money.
Does this count? But I really wanna graduate very badly.
This is vague but yeah, regardless of full-time or part-time job, earn a decent amount of money then pay my own debts and give money to parents.

11. Drive to places.
If you see a driver that annoys you so much that you can't stop honking and pressure her, that's probably me. Sorry, I very noob, please forgive me, but I really have to learn to drive to places by myself. T_T

.