Welcoming Moo-moo Year

Now it's new year eve and I still feel dead. I couldn't recall anything meaningful or important that I have done this whole year, except for the bond my significant other and I shared has strengthened and deepened. Maybe I'm blinded by your love that I couldn't see and do anything else. Heh.

Sorry I'm only good at making lame jokes. T_T

Okay, so I know I had to do something to bring back my enthusiasm, so I did something to welcome the moo-moo year.

"Bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi ----"
"Die you negative emotions!"

Happy new year 2009!

(After I finish this doodle, only I noticed that the hair flows to the wrong direction. *swt*)

我要晒太阳

我最大的缺点，刚好就被我亲爱的你提醒了。

我是真的很胆小了，对着镜子，我连自己的眼睛也不敢直视。因为那一次的决定，我给了自己几乎致命的一击，我悄悄地把那决定称为“错误的决定”，默默地相信那难过的过程是一场“梦”，我天真地以为梦醒，一切就会如常。

我骗着自己不去多想，一切将会跟以前一样，因为那经验很痛。除了无法入眠的夜晚，还有不能入眠的夜晚，几近歇斯底里的思考，在家在外没有一刻能安心的生活，假期上课都一样忙碌难过的日子，二十四小时像通缉犯一样被人追踪审问，还有什么什么的，这些都不是最痛最刺的部分。

最无助的是，当我二十几年懂事以来，一直深信不疑的信念和哲理，因为他们我才能抬头挺胸努力坚持走到这一天的那种非常信仰，完完全全地被推翻了，推翻以后，被粉碎，被风吹，消失了。

我想起高中读过村上春树老师在《舞舞舞》里写的一段话，大约是这样的 ：

“……他辛辛苦苦建立起来的秩序，仿佛在一夜之间消失得无影无踪了……”

这一段话，我读过就一直记在心里。那是用来形容一个男人的死亡，那种宁静安详的悲伤，那时候应该可以用来形容我和我曾经那些我以为像世界一样大的小坚强。

二十岁，有多大？现在回想，我笑说十几岁的是“小坚强”。

但不能否认的现在，我是一个连小坚强、小信仰都没有了的二十岁。因为那不仅是一场恶梦，梦醒一切不会如常，梦里被粉碎的，现实也找不回完好无缺的。这是真实的恶梦，梦醒留下的是阴影。

我想我是差点忘记了，既然阴影久久不肯离开，我唯有离开阴影。

请给我一点时间，我有些迟钝；离开以后，我可以晒太阳，重新播种，让我“小坚强”的种子发芽长大。

Me?

(Click for larger image on deviantArt)

(Click for larger image on deviantArt)

An old work and a more recent work.
Noticing the changes of me over the years, makes me a little sad.

Sad because, I miss being bold.
I miss being expressive.
I miss being not to care much about how people think of me.

And I'm gonna get out of this dilemma.

"God I want to dream again"
- from the song "Unbreakable", by Fireflight


(Thanks Ostry for sharing the song with me! You always made me stronger by sending me motivational songs ;p)

蜗牛

蟹子
是一只蜗牛。

蜗牛有螺旋壳
是唯一的包袱

回忆就是这样一直背着
背着蟹子的回忆

包袱壳很重
因为蟹子没有收拾
所以蜗牛偷偷哭泣
泪湿软绵绵的小身

蜗牛有一张很小很小的嘴
嘴里有很多很多的牙
牙齿都长在舌头上面
蜗牛就是这样吃东西的
是这样慢慢地啃叶子
有时候还会从壳里
吃掉一点蟹子的回忆
可是那长满牙齿的舌
是肉眼所看不见的

看不见
也没有人知道

只知道蜗牛爬得很慢
很慢
很慢

只知道蜗牛是一只害虫
是一只讨人厌又恶心的东西

也许有一天
蜗牛在慢慢爬行的时候
那壳会被人抓起
壳连身身离不开

在空中
只感觉到一阵晕眩
还有一股很大的劲

像乘隐形的云霄飞车
直落

硬邦邦的柏油路上

喔
碎了。


而那蟹子是我。

I am very small but I can dream big...

It has been quite a while that I have not made a confession honestly, truthfully and sincerely.

Now it's really not the time for me to blog or think much, but if now is not the time? When will be the time? My main point is, don't wait.

I don't keep my new clothes for a very long time or wait until a special occasion, when I feel like wearing it, I just wear it. I understand how this works, but I never really apply it in other more important things, like assignments, room keeping, plans and even blogging.

Until... now. I must learn to fight like a warrior! Time is my enemy! Grrr.

-------------

Each day, I feel so small that I couldn't find any significance of myself and my life, so small that I start to hate myself and my life, so small that I don't know what to do with myself and my life, so small that I start to forget my big dreams when I was small, so small that I always run like a coward from problems in my pathetic life (Note: I said 'pathetic life' because Stephen Chow said "A man without dreams is no different from a salted fish (咸鱼)", and a life of a 'ham-yu' is pathetic. )

So small that I even forgotten about a girl whom I admired during high school. Ehehehehehehe. Haha but no, it's not what you think it is, hehehe.

I admired her artsy talents, her skills, her solitude, her independence, and the way she talked to me and encouraged me, and the notes she left me, the trust she put on me, and the mutual feeling when we were together. Almost everything of her inspired me, she was my idol until we lost contact after she left (me) and went overseas for so many years.

I guess I feel lost when she's gone, whether I noticed it or not. It's not obvious.

I am still feeling very very small, but I just found a new girl to admire! Ehehehehheheheh!!

She impresses me so much! She's like my dream girl! No no, don't get it wrong, she's like a role model of who I wanted to be, someone whom I've dreamt to be! She's talented, charming, smart, tough, beautiful, determined...

She's so close yet so far, the feeling is just like last time! So close yet so far... the distance between me and her is short, but somehow there is a distance in the heart, a distance... a difference... yet we are so similar... we are so small, but we can dream big, she is doing small things to achieve her big dreams, and she is half way there already... and I can too!

I still have my big dreams... locked deep inside my little heart to gather dust. T^T

-------------

Although I may be seen as a shy girl, well in fact, I am one, but I have a very high ego. It's very different from being confident and high self-esteem, it's just pure pride without confidence that I hold for myself, that refrain myself from doing certain things that will hurt my ego, which includes, admitting and confessing that I am a normal girl as well as a fangirl, who is secretly admiring people. Hmm, it sounds the same like me being "shy". But I bet those who know me well know what I meant by my high ego. o_o

Hehe, I am just a little fangirl which I am always very reluctant to admit. (Note: Anime/Manga is not included in the obsessions of the 'fangirl' term mentioned in this post. )

And today after this post, I am a little fangirl who dreams big. :)





(Suddenly I feel so girly. o_o)

Goddess Nike

Oww-uucc-h.

After the continuous silent ouch for pain, I somehow was struck with a feeling of - "Hey, it's a Nike..." Well, the thought did not came right after the ouch, but it came gradually when I noticed my left thigh - the source of the ouch, gradually shows a Nike logo.

My patch of skin gradually look darker than the rest, revealing a Nike-lookalike wound, just like when we used the 'burn' tool in photoshop, but now I did it non-digitally, by using an iron.

Nike, the popular sports apparel brand, is named after a Greek Goddess of Victory and Strength. Now I have Nike on my left thigh, and now the Goddess of Victory keeps shouting "Just Do It!" to me. Heh.



The significance of the wound means a lot to me, because I have recently made some resolutions for my coming semester, which I need to have a tough and a strong heart so that I will not freak out (again) while facing the coming challenges. This somehow, by coincidence, matches with Nike's slogan, "Just Do It". I guess this is the slogan I need, and by just doing it, I will have strength and gain victory in overcoming my fear and weaknesses, psychologically and spiritually.

I do not know how to express my gratefulness and appreciation to God for loving me always, and slowly teaching and guiding me to love Him and the others, by giving me the chance to love (sincerely and deeply) my family, and my significant other (Jacky!) as well. Everything turns awful when we forgot to love, love (or you may called it passion) is needed to succeed, whether it is loving your family, friends, bosses, colleagues, assignments, jobs, journeys and everything in our life. A life without passion is like... umm... an alarm clock who is a mute.

God bless everyone who believes in love and miracle.




Side note:

1 Nike and its logo is the property of Nike, Inc.

2 The scalding incident happened on 11th October (if I've not mistaken), I've drafted this some time ago, but just hadn't get my photos done yet, so explains the delay.

3 There used to be quite a few paragraphs in my draft post mentioning about my resolutions and discoveries of my own changes through time, but it turned out rather long, so I shall save it for later.

陌生

“熟悉的，只是我吧。”

你口中的那句话，或是荧幕上的一行字，就这样没有温度地，一直理所当然地存在着，在每天呼吸的空气里。曾经熟悉的你，或许已不再熟悉，或许熟悉陌生已不再有什么重要意义了。

更重要的，我在自己熟悉的环境里，觉得很陌生。有时候不禁会萌生这种念头：生活就留给要过生活的人过吧。可惜的是，我却存在于生活里面。熟悉的空间、熟悉的空气、熟悉的脸孔、熟悉的规则、熟悉的书桌、熟悉的枕头、熟悉的黑夜，还有熟悉的空虚。这些熟悉竟是如此地陌生，都是熟悉的陌生。

“熟悉的，只是我吧。”

像过去，在暴风雨还没掠夺青春以前，每个脸孔都可以像煮鸡蛋那么快地熟起来，每个地点沾上我们的热血都是新鲜温热的，每一件事我都可以不计较心血地掏心挖肝去完成。

但热血至今似乎已冷却，只留下浅浅淡淡，偶尔微酸的无奈。
还有陌生的现在。

-----------------

而我还是不自觉地沉溺在熟悉的过去里。

黑色的夜

不知道有没有星星
不敢抬头
在这黑色的夜里

异常灰心
几乎丧失一切的坚毅
虽然不曾拥有过多少

但这黑色
叫人惊骇仿佛在说
若我无法跨越这黑色的夜

我将会慢慢地腐朽烂掉
腐坏在这黑色的夜里

（不知道有没有星星呢？）

不眠

做不完的差事
持续 到深夜

夜太迷人 魅惑了
想工作的人们

浸泡在夜里
不语的温柔
便再也想不起白天的
壮志雄心

光阴的流沙
不觉已匆匆经过
溜去

回神
又是一个被夜（悄悄）吞噬的晚上

天亮
梦的重量 积累在头上

Forgetting Things

I have always got lost on a path I have chosen to take.

Filling with anxiety and confusion, I keep flooding my mind with questions like why this is happening, did I made the right choice, and is this the life and consequences of a wrong decision.

Then we feel lost and helpless, trapped in depression and struggling in sleepless nights.

But..
We are just so forgetful, aren't we?

Sometimes I just forgot how I used to think over and over again before I make any important decisions, until I found myself an important reason which is more than enough to convince myself to go for it at full power..

But I just got distracted by the up and downs and the problems and fell into the trap of lost and confusion, and eventually forgot my destination and most of all, I lost my faith.

If I ever forget things again, please remind me to hold on.
Thank you my love, for always standing by me to support me.
I must not let you down again.

(Thank you Jesus.)

倘若我又再忘记事情了，请帮忙提醒；
我的初衷，还有我最初的梦想。

放错标点

我发现了一件小事。
我好像一直都在错的地方放上句号。

一蹶不振的现在 （ ）

我应该在这里放句号才对，
然后开始新的段落。