Film Name: Avatar (2009)
Directed by: James Cameron
不完全是一篇film study, 因为我只看了一遍。
也不算是一篇影评或 film review，因为这是一篇很personal的分享。
也不打算用单一语言来述写我的想法，因为这是一篇比较直觉性的和直接联想到的一篇想法，而我是这样思考的。
[Note: Contain spoilers of Avatar, District 9 and Neon Genesis Evangelion.]
当电影开始述说pilot操控avatar的方式，Neon Genesis Evangelion (NGE) 便是第一个闪过我脑海里的名词。因为NGE里的机械人Evangelion也不是机械而是一种外星生物，pilot也是透过神经系统和头脑思想来操作的，跟Avatar类似。NGE是一部很特别、很有概念的动画，人物设计和视觉效果都很棒，我几乎完全被那抽象但入骨的心理情绪所感染，久久无法抽身。
无法抽身啊，Avatar主角Jake Sully 也是几乎发现自己陷入一种identity crisis里，分裂于真假现实之间。我们的网络community也有这样的力量，可以匿名，可以伪装成别人，可以成为和现实里和自己完全不一样的人；电影 Avatar似乎满足了现代人的alter-ego心态,还有很仔细设计过的每一草一木，让Pandora世界梦一样地真实存在。
主要连接两个世界的主题或概念应该是信仰。拜金主义、物质主义还有相信心灵沟通的。一部电影述说一个时代，我们这个时代也许就是这样，科技产品的层出不穷让我们依赖冷冰冰的产品机械多过注重人与人之间的情感交流；电影里无信仰或拜金主义的人是自大、目中无人的Quaritch和Selfridge，因为把自己放在最高；Na'vi族以及被感动的Grace, Norm和Jake，因为信仰Eywa，所以是把自己的信仰放在最高、最重要的位置，所以并不会因为自己而自大，而是为了自己心中的信仰、心中的创造神而勇敢奋斗。
结局很美好，虽然情感上有差于Peter Jackson的District 9，但异曲同工之处在于两部电影都是让身为人类的主角成了电影里的另一种“人类”。District 9的人类转变为外星人是悲哀的，而Avatar里的变化却反映出一种“脱离悲哀”想法，到了一种漂亮美好的梦幻世界里。对我而言，Neon Genesis Evangelion是抽象且情绪化的，District 9是现实和悲哀的，而Avatar是在不美好的现实里让人向往着一种梦幻般的美好。
技巧上，最喜欢的是它的平铺直叙里头的前呼后应，还有精简顺畅的情节。人物与场景设计都下了不少心思，每个角色有显著的特色和差别，对白上也交代了很多故事背景，尤其在开场时角色之间的对白。也许没有District 9的叙述方式特别，但两者都同样用了video log的key item，作为不同的用途，District 9作为带动故事的前进key item，而Avatar用来“缩短情节”，让Quaritch掌握了重要线索而解释了他所采取的攻击行动。还有一些重要线索说明时间的部分，我也很喜欢，比如Jake的胡须和头发长了，说明了在电影里的时间经过。
当然最让人陶醉的，还是Pandora栩栩如生的鲜艳梦幻世界，有人、有生物、有草有树有天空；有历史、有希望、有感情。
我无法不把District9和Neon Genesis Evangelion与Avatar联想在一起。如果我少看任何一部作品，我想我不会有那么深的感触。District 9，述说人性与悲哀，还反映了一种渺茫和未知的希望；NGE表达了内心挣扎的无助和情绪的抽象；而Avatar把District 9 里用suspense带出的希望，用“信仰”的方式在视觉上实现了一种心底的憧憬，让NGE里头的无助感得到了一种安慰。
我也因为Avatar里Na'vi的信仰，而得到一种心灵上的安慰与感动。
27.12.09
12.12.09
2009 最后的愿望 （已编辑）
日语：
2009最後の願い! （yenyen: 用得对吗？）
前言：
我很想念日语，真想明年可以定时找yenyen出来跟我一起复习日语，我还没有收入，所以无法报名正式日文课。
你看，想未来，可以是一件很愉快的事，我们这么多年来不懂说了多少次“以后我要这样那样的”；我现在也很想静静地坐下来拟定2010的大小计划，可是我没有这个勇气，也不敢有这种闲情了，我只有2009的最後の願い（saigo no negai)。
最後の願い：
学业及格。
我当然还有一些小愿望要完成的，可是相较之下，其他的都变得微不足道了；也因为这一个梦魇施予的压力，其他的好像变得没那么重要了；仿佛只要这一个一完成，其他的都会迎刃而解了。
收到Cikgu Ong写给同学们的信，还是天蝎座老师一针见血，与大家
共勉之：
“学习是自愿和奉献。不要为失败找借口。成功的孩子为成功而努力。”
后语：
我为学习新知识而喜悦，却总为学习新技能而苦恼。技能方面我总是比别人弱，可是我也不能够逃避我的弱点，总还是必须面对、努力、克服。
祝我可以努力完成我的最后最大的愿望。
[已编辑，edited]
听看过这则14岁少女被性侵犯的新闻后，我久久无法入眠。
我气愤、我痛心，然后再回头看自己刚写过的这篇，我突然很鄙视我自己。
为何我目光会变得如此短浅？为何越长大，就越不敢面对问题？连14岁的小女孩都敢站起来为自己说话，还必须默默地忍受身旁与社会的眼光，还有就是面对大人一点都不想负责任的失望。
我鄙视自己的肤浅，我就是不想成为一个只重视自身事而不理社会事的人。我没有每天阅报的习惯，但我还能说我周末在家会看报，平日没报闲着也会网上阅报，现在还正慢慢读着龙应台老师的《百年思索》和景克宁教授的《客厅里的大学》，说出来还真羞人，我都几岁了? 怎么还为着学业不如意一事而搞得自己作息乱了、新闻也不看了、课外书也不看了、家务也不做了、心情也经常跌落谷底了？
我是真的太幸福了，所以成了草莓族。我鄙视自己变成草莓族了，受压能力怎么低成这样？在后语里我竟然还写了“最大的愿望”来形容我想要及格的愿望，仿佛那是一种不可能似的语气。回想中学，我也绝不会说我最大的愿望就是高数、物理、和化学科及格！回想中学，我好像都比现在坚强。
为什么越长大，就越不敢负责任？
社会那么大，我只是其中一员；人生那么漫长，大学也只是一个驻站。我竟然把自己的学业问题用放大镜当成是世界末日来看了，我还真不好意思说我是一个大学生。1919年的五四运动，是由学生发起的，提倡民主科学；而我今天身为一个大学生，只是一颗一压就烂的外靓内软的草莓。
受害小女孩很勇敢地面对自己被欺凌的事件，5名青年嫌犯也在一点道德观念都不存在下的情况勇敢犯罪；然而大人却畏缩地逃避问题。为什么我们总是要让受害者受更多的伤害？为什么大人总是不敢再为受害者挺身讨公道？社会问题，总是找不到愿意负责任的一方。
修改了用词，我说，我2009年的最后目标是学业及格。
而我2009年最后的愿望就是我要重新学会为自己的事负责任，我不要再沦为腐烂的草莓族。
这里还有些关于这新闻的相关文章：
把公義，還給這個受傷的女生：主編有話
把公義，還給這個受傷的女生：女孩，你仍然是天使。
梁惠美：資訊泛濫‧青少年易陷情慾誘惑
[编辑于4.33am]
2009最後の願い! （yenyen: 用得对吗？）
前言：
我很想念日语，真想明年可以定时找yenyen出来跟我一起复习日语，我还没有收入，所以无法报名正式日文课。
你看，想未来，可以是一件很愉快的事，我们这么多年来不懂说了多少次“以后我要这样那样的”；我现在也很想静静地坐下来拟定2010的大小计划，可是我没有这个勇气，也不敢有这种闲情了，我只有2009的最後の願い（saigo no negai)。
最後の願い：
学业及格。
我当然还有一些小愿望要完成的，可是相较之下，其他的都变得微不足道了；也因为这一个梦魇施予的压力，其他的好像变得没那么重要了；仿佛只要这一个一完成，其他的都会迎刃而解了。
收到Cikgu Ong写给同学们的信，还是天蝎座老师一针见血，与大家
共勉之：
“学习是自愿和奉献。不要为失败找借口。成功的孩子为成功而努力。”
后语：
我为学习新知识而喜悦，却总为学习新技能而苦恼。技能方面我总是比别人弱，可是我也不能够逃避我的弱点，总还是必须面对、努力、克服。
祝我可以努力完成我的最后最大的愿望。
[已编辑，edited]
听看过这则14岁少女被性侵犯的新闻后，我久久无法入眠。
我气愤、我痛心，然后再回头看自己刚写过的这篇，我突然很鄙视我自己。
为何我目光会变得如此短浅？为何越长大，就越不敢面对问题？连14岁的小女孩都敢站起来为自己说话，还必须默默地忍受身旁与社会的眼光，还有就是面对大人一点都不想负责任的失望。
我鄙视自己的肤浅，我就是不想成为一个只重视自身事而不理社会事的人。我没有每天阅报的习惯，但我还能说我周末在家会看报，平日没报闲着也会网上阅报，现在还正慢慢读着龙应台老师的《百年思索》和景克宁教授的《客厅里的大学》，说出来还真羞人，我都几岁了? 怎么还为着学业不如意一事而搞得自己作息乱了、新闻也不看了、课外书也不看了、家务也不做了、心情也经常跌落谷底了？
我是真的太幸福了，所以成了草莓族。我鄙视自己变成草莓族了，受压能力怎么低成这样？在后语里我竟然还写了“最大的愿望”来形容我想要及格的愿望，仿佛那是一种不可能似的语气。回想中学，我也绝不会说我最大的愿望就是高数、物理、和化学科及格！回想中学，我好像都比现在坚强。
为什么越长大，就越不敢负责任？
社会那么大，我只是其中一员；人生那么漫长，大学也只是一个驻站。我竟然把自己的学业问题用放大镜当成是世界末日来看了，我还真不好意思说我是一个大学生。1919年的五四运动，是由学生发起的，提倡民主科学；而我今天身为一个大学生，只是一颗一压就烂的外靓内软的草莓。
受害小女孩很勇敢地面对自己被欺凌的事件，5名青年嫌犯也在一点道德观念都不存在下的情况勇敢犯罪；然而大人却畏缩地逃避问题。为什么我们总是要让受害者受更多的伤害？为什么大人总是不敢再为受害者挺身讨公道？社会问题，总是找不到愿意负责任的一方。
修改了用词，我说，我2009年的最后目标是学业及格。
而我2009年最后的愿望就是我要重新学会为自己的事负责任，我不要再沦为腐烂的草莓族。
这里还有些关于这新闻的相关文章：
把公義，還給這個受傷的女生：主編有話
把公義，還給這個受傷的女生：女孩，你仍然是天使。
梁惠美：資訊泛濫‧青少年易陷情慾誘惑
[编辑于4.33am]
28.11.09
Brokenness
Read about 'brokenness' recently, brokenness in Christianity.
Here are some links.
http://www.krisbelfils.com/Kris_Belfils/Brokenness.html
http://www.annemurchison.com/brokenness.htm
http://www.findthepower.com/inspirationstorehouse/topicBROKENNESS.htm
http://www.articlesbase.com/religion-articles/bible-versesinspirational-encouraging-bible-message-for-human-brokenness-818837.html
My life is a mess.
I tried to find an easy way out.
I probably did not want to completely accept the fact that I have failed miserably and that I have been doing nothing in order to change, because I never wanted to admit my wrongdoings and my sins because of pride and self-righteousness in myself.
That day when I felt really devastated and afraid that I am repeating the same mistake again - and probably I have arrived at its consequence - failing, I happen to check my email that my father forwarded to me which is ironically about failure. This is not just a coincidence, I knew it.
In the email, it says that :
Failure doesn't mean that you are a failure, it means you have not yet succeeded;
Failure doesn't mean that you have accomplished nothing, it means you have learned something;
Failure doesn't mean that you will never be able to do it, it means you have to do it in a different way;
Failure doesn't mean that you are inferior, it means that you are not perfect;
Failure doesn't mean that have wasted your life, it means that you have to start afresh;
Failure doesn't mean that you should give up, it means that you have to try very very hard;
Failure doesn't mean that you will never achieve, it just takes a little longer;
Failure doesn't mean that God has abandoned you, it's because God has a better idea! You will get the idea if you have faith in Him.
Failures made me feel depressed and broken, but this brokenness is a must in order to shatter my pride and self-righteousness, this is the conclusion that I have come to. Thus I must not dwell deeper onto the wrong road, I want to leave my comfort zone and run in desperation to Him, for He could heal my blindness and make me whole.
Below is an excerpt from -link-, that I would like to share and to remind myself of.
Matthew 5:4 reads, "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Know that you can be renewed and transformed through the Great One but it takes humility in order for these experiences to take place. Human pride often blocks our dealing with painful problems. Once we finally admit our wrongdoings and failures, there can be a real solution for us. Humbling ourselves before God is the ultimate key that will allow us to experience the wonderful comfort that only the Almighty One can provide.
Here are some links.
http://www.krisbelfils.com/Kris_Belfils/Brokenness.html
http://www.annemurchison.com/brokenness.htm
http://www.findthepower.com/inspirationstorehouse/topicBROKENNESS.htm
http://www.articlesbase.com/religion-articles/bible-versesinspirational-encouraging-bible-message-for-human-brokenness-818837.html
My life is a mess.
I tried to find an easy way out.
I probably did not want to completely accept the fact that I have failed miserably and that I have been doing nothing in order to change, because I never wanted to admit my wrongdoings and my sins because of pride and self-righteousness in myself.
That day when I felt really devastated and afraid that I am repeating the same mistake again - and probably I have arrived at its consequence - failing, I happen to check my email that my father forwarded to me which is ironically about failure. This is not just a coincidence, I knew it.
In the email, it says that :
Failure doesn't mean that you are a failure, it means you have not yet succeeded;
Failure doesn't mean that you have accomplished nothing, it means you have learned something;
Failure doesn't mean that you will never be able to do it, it means you have to do it in a different way;
Failure doesn't mean that you are inferior, it means that you are not perfect;
Failure doesn't mean that have wasted your life, it means that you have to start afresh;
Failure doesn't mean that you should give up, it means that you have to try very very hard;
Failure doesn't mean that you will never achieve, it just takes a little longer;
Failure doesn't mean that God has abandoned you, it's because God has a better idea! You will get the idea if you have faith in Him.
Failures made me feel depressed and broken, but this brokenness is a must in order to shatter my pride and self-righteousness, this is the conclusion that I have come to. Thus I must not dwell deeper onto the wrong road, I want to leave my comfort zone and run in desperation to Him, for He could heal my blindness and make me whole.
Below is an excerpt from -link-, that I would like to share and to remind myself of.
Matthew 5:4 reads, "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Know that you can be renewed and transformed through the Great One but it takes humility in order for these experiences to take place. Human pride often blocks our dealing with painful problems. Once we finally admit our wrongdoings and failures, there can be a real solution for us. Humbling ourselves before God is the ultimate key that will allow us to experience the wonderful comfort that only the Almighty One can provide.
7.11.09
Last Song by Gackt
No matter how many times I hear this, I can still cry.
It's the second song that I've heard from Gackt back then, and it was this song that made me fell in love with his voice.
Note: The volume is a bit soft in the video, you might want to raise a volume a little.
Lyrics Translation: (from lyrics007.com)
Last Song - Gackt Camui
Walking around aimlessly by myself
Breathing a faint sigh, my breath turns white
Seasons change, and in this fleeting season..
My tears fall for no reason
"Even now, I still love you"
Falling sadness transforms into pure white snow
I'm always looking at the sky above me
Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now
Once more, I want to hold you
How many times have we not understood and hurt each other
But even at those times, we were still gentle
Engraved on the ring that you suddenly gave back to me
..Was our promise that will never come true
"Even now, I remember.."
These far off thoughts are just brilliant flashes in my memory
I wanted to be next to you
Even though I can't see you anymore, I'll always be next to you
I never want you to change
I can't erase those last tears that you showed me [from my memory]
In your heart, if I disappear along with all these snowflakes
I want to bloom [in your heart once again]
Don't forget the warmth of us being close together, and hugging
Don't forget even if you love someone else
I'll never let go [of the memory] of when I heard your voice last and so
..I just want to fall into a deep sleep
Continuously falling sadness transforms into pure white snow
I'm always looking at the sky above me
Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now
I want to hold you once more
"I want to hold you once more"
It's the second song that I've heard from Gackt back then, and it was this song that made me fell in love with his voice.
Note: The volume is a bit soft in the video, you might want to raise a volume a little.
Lyrics Translation: (from lyrics007.com)
Last Song - Gackt Camui
Walking around aimlessly by myself
Breathing a faint sigh, my breath turns white
Seasons change, and in this fleeting season..
My tears fall for no reason
"Even now, I still love you"
Falling sadness transforms into pure white snow
I'm always looking at the sky above me
Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now
Once more, I want to hold you
How many times have we not understood and hurt each other
But even at those times, we were still gentle
Engraved on the ring that you suddenly gave back to me
..Was our promise that will never come true
"Even now, I remember.."
These far off thoughts are just brilliant flashes in my memory
I wanted to be next to you
Even though I can't see you anymore, I'll always be next to you
I never want you to change
I can't erase those last tears that you showed me [from my memory]
In your heart, if I disappear along with all these snowflakes
I want to bloom [in your heart once again]
Don't forget the warmth of us being close together, and hugging
Don't forget even if you love someone else
I'll never let go [of the memory] of when I heard your voice last and so
..I just want to fall into a deep sleep
Continuously falling sadness transforms into pure white snow
I'm always looking at the sky above me
Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now
I want to hold you once more
"I want to hold you once more"
23.10.09
31.8.09
我只是喜欢待在家
我真的是很喜欢待在家里。
有些人一整天待在家里
会坐立不安
可是我如果一整天都不在家
我会发疯闷慌
不要叫我从早到晚一直外出
外出后，回来我就是要待在家里。
不是我不喜欢外出
我也喜欢旅行
只是
我也迫切需要
每天一个人在家里独处的时光。
请不要觉得
我一个人享受在家独处的时光
是一种不想跟你们出去或相处的表现
真的不是这样的。
这些误会
总会让我很难过。
我真的很简单
我只是喜欢待在家里
想想做做自己的小事
听听唱唱喜欢的音乐
写写涂涂脑里有的没的
真的是这样而已。
我不要每次因为我要待在家
而让别人难过。
我不要为自己喜欢待在家的习惯
而觉得罪过。
只是现在
我坚持待在家里的决定
又让我难过了
因为你们难过。
有些人一整天待在家里
会坐立不安
可是我如果一整天都不在家
我会发疯闷慌
不要叫我从早到晚一直外出
外出后，回来我就是要待在家里。
不是我不喜欢外出
我也喜欢旅行
只是
我也迫切需要
每天一个人在家里独处的时光。
请不要觉得
我一个人享受在家独处的时光
是一种不想跟你们出去或相处的表现
真的不是这样的。
这些误会
总会让我很难过。
我真的很简单
我只是喜欢待在家里
想想做做自己的小事
听听唱唱喜欢的音乐
写写涂涂脑里有的没的
真的是这样而已。
我不要每次因为我要待在家
而让别人难过。
我不要为自己喜欢待在家的习惯
而觉得罪过。
只是现在
我坚持待在家里的决定
又让我难过了
因为你们难过。
14.8.09
Quiz: Get To Know Yourself Better
Get To Know Yourself Better Quiz taken at
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Here's my quiz result.
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
Note:
I am sometimes straightforward but I believe that I'm somewhere between a dreamer and a realist, so I'm not all that down to earth. And I might solve problems but I'm not efficient.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Note:
I don't think I'll do anything and everything, I can only say I would try my best (within my capabilities) in keeping my love true. After all, I'm still a self-centered (and romantic) person.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.
Note:
This is absolutely right. Lol.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Note:
True and I damn like the last line - fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education:
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.
Note:
Hmm I have many practical ideas? Like what?
I tend to follow my heart but I don't think I could end up with an unusual job, but I'll look forward to it.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
Note:
This just applies to mostly everyone (with similar cultural background as me) la. We were never raised to think that being an archaeologist or a social worker is good.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
Note:
Yeah fear of failing, but I'm accepting it already. I have different stages of failing in primary school, high school, and now in university, and it took me awhile to accept the failure and stand up again. I'm a chicken, a brave chicken.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Note:
I couldn't agree more. But it's really ironic, while independence is important to me yet I am afraid that I have no one to turn to when I'm in trouble.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Note:
Full of energy? I'm only confident in certain situations. I'm not unpredictable la, I'm just a little bit more sensitive than most people.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Here's my quiz result.
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
Note:
I am sometimes straightforward but I believe that I'm somewhere between a dreamer and a realist, so I'm not all that down to earth. And I might solve problems but I'm not efficient.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Note:
I don't think I'll do anything and everything, I can only say I would try my best (within my capabilities) in keeping my love true. After all, I'm still a self-centered (and romantic) person.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.
Note:
This is absolutely right. Lol.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Note:
True and I damn like the last line - fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education:
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.
Note:
Hmm I have many practical ideas? Like what?
I tend to follow my heart but I don't think I could end up with an unusual job, but I'll look forward to it.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
Note:
This just applies to mostly everyone (with similar cultural background as me) la. We were never raised to think that being an archaeologist or a social worker is good.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
Note:
Yeah fear of failing, but I'm accepting it already. I have different stages of failing in primary school, high school, and now in university, and it took me awhile to accept the failure and stand up again. I'm a chicken, a brave chicken.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Note:
I couldn't agree more. But it's really ironic, while independence is important to me yet I am afraid that I have no one to turn to when I'm in trouble.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Note:
Full of energy? I'm only confident in certain situations. I'm not unpredictable la, I'm just a little bit more sensitive than most people.
10.8.09
Struggle, because I am alive
Sometimes I think the times that I think in English equals to the times that I think in Chinese. Now it's one of the times when I am thinking in English and feel like telling the thoughts in words.
I have very low stamina, both physically and psychologically.
I couldn't run or climb or cycle, but I can really walk for a long distance. I have a really short attention span - especially dealing with technical stuffs like how to use a software, how to create this and that effect with what and what plug-ins; but I find myself strangely attracted to certain art expressions - for example a recent wonderful performance that I attended, Butoh Jam, held in Annexe Gallery, or the surreal atmosphere in Murakami Haruki's novels.
It's been really long since I have ever feel recharged, after one whole year (or maybe longer) of dead batteries.
I need art. I need it to feel alive. I just couldn't feel anything with my university classes, they are draining away my motivation and my purpose, and I drowned myself to death. I often feel stupid in classes, it's as if I couldn't find a reason or a purpose for me to be there. And so when most of the university courses and friends around me focus on the technique, I know I need the struggle, a struggle to find a meaning behind all these robotic skills, a struggle to express myself with all these robotic skills and make it a not-your-typical-robotic-skill-only art.
Struggles are unpleasant, but it is necessary when I don't want to be like a machine. I can never ever continue to breathe without a purpose, without a meaning, and without art.
And if it's art, I can and I will continue to struggle and move forward, because I want to feel alive.
-----------------
"You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive."
I have very low stamina, both physically and psychologically.
I couldn't run or climb or cycle, but I can really walk for a long distance. I have a really short attention span - especially dealing with technical stuffs like how to use a software, how to create this and that effect with what and what plug-ins; but I find myself strangely attracted to certain art expressions - for example a recent wonderful performance that I attended, Butoh Jam, held in Annexe Gallery, or the surreal atmosphere in Murakami Haruki's novels.
It's been really long since I have ever feel recharged, after one whole year (or maybe longer) of dead batteries.
I need art. I need it to feel alive. I just couldn't feel anything with my university classes, they are draining away my motivation and my purpose, and I drowned myself to death. I often feel stupid in classes, it's as if I couldn't find a reason or a purpose for me to be there. And so when most of the university courses and friends around me focus on the technique, I know I need the struggle, a struggle to find a meaning behind all these robotic skills, a struggle to express myself with all these robotic skills and make it a not-your-typical-robotic-skill-only art.
Struggles are unpleasant, but it is necessary when I don't want to be like a machine. I can never ever continue to breathe without a purpose, without a meaning, and without art.
And if it's art, I can and I will continue to struggle and move forward, because I want to feel alive.
-----------------
"You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive."
- Merce Cunningham (1919-2009)
19.7.09
25.6.09
最好的生日礼物
原来收到礼物的欢喜感觉
还是这么棒。
——我们总是不多话
——我的室友，谢谢你的礼物，我真的很开心。
收到远方老友的祝福
也是这么棒。
收到几乎没有联络的朋友祝福
也是非常棒。
有些曾经熟络的朋友
我是没有联络了。
就总觉得自己什么是不特别了
自己跟以前很棒的自己
不一样了。
不一样了，就不想让太多人知道
不想让太多人认识
没有什么成就的我。
我一直都有点抗拒为我而设的生日庆祝会
只因我觉得我不值那一些时间与欢喜。
我
是没有什么是值得庆祝的。
我一点都不棒。
母亲的短讯祝福
我哭了。
为什么生日不是为辛苦生下我的母亲而庆祝？
我才恍然发现
我的诞生
我的生命
就已经是一件可喜可贺的事。
（所以才叫生日吧）
是我不知足
是我一直想要一些什么
想要一些可以让别人对自己说
“嗨，你真棒！” 的成就表现
然后我才可以安心地抬头挺胸走上台说
“啊，谢谢你们。”
是我固步自封
是我改不了稚气的任性
是我改不了不伤人害己的自负
是我改不了我一直不知足的不知足
二十二岁的我
没有很成熟
没有很完美
没有很棒
可是我的二十二岁
是很棒的！
因为我收到了你们给我最好的生日礼物
就是爱。
还是这么棒。
——我们总是不多话
——我的室友，谢谢你的礼物，我真的很开心。
收到远方老友的祝福
也是这么棒。
收到几乎没有联络的朋友祝福
也是非常棒。
有些曾经熟络的朋友
我是没有联络了。
就总觉得自己什么是不特别了
自己跟以前很棒的自己
不一样了。
不一样了，就不想让太多人知道
不想让太多人认识
没有什么成就的我。
我一直都有点抗拒为我而设的生日庆祝会
只因我觉得我不值那一些时间与欢喜。
我
是没有什么是值得庆祝的。
我一点都不棒。
母亲的短讯祝福
我哭了。
为什么生日不是为辛苦生下我的母亲而庆祝？
我才恍然发现
我的诞生
我的生命
就已经是一件可喜可贺的事。
（所以才叫生日吧）
是我不知足
是我一直想要一些什么
想要一些可以让别人对自己说
“嗨，你真棒！” 的成就表现
然后我才可以安心地抬头挺胸走上台说
“啊，谢谢你们。”
是我固步自封
是我改不了稚气的任性
是我改不了不伤人害己的自负
是我改不了我一直不知足的不知足
二十二岁的我
没有很成熟
没有很完美
没有很棒
可是我的二十二岁
是很棒的！
因为我收到了你们给我最好的生日礼物
就是爱。
17.6.09
7.6.09
还没准备好吗
我
敲着梦想的门
门开了
而
我却一直在说
嘿
真抱歉
我还没准备好
---------------
这里有一篇好文分享：
Taking Imperfection Action is the Perfect Action to Take, by Christine Kane
---------------
相关文字： 嘿梦想
敲着梦想的门
门开了
而
我却一直在说
嘿
真抱歉
我还没准备好
---------------
这里有一篇好文分享：
Taking Imperfection Action is the Perfect Action to Take, by Christine Kane
---------------
相关文字： 嘿梦想
16.5.09
Naked Fear
(Clicking the image will lead to my deviantArt with full-sized image.)
"Sometimes I just feel so scared as if I'm totally naked and fragile under the broad daylight. So I hide myself and hoping that no one can see me."
Sometimes I just feel like this.
It's not just about people looking down on me...
It's that sometimes I keep trying to run away and refusing to see my own naked self.
11.5.09
Wednesday
This Wednesday... I shall know if I deserve the miracle.
And before this Wednesday, my life is going to be coffee + strepsils + sleepless + passion.
Anyway even though it costs some time, today's interview to mfx was definitely worth it, it's really an eye-opener for a frog like me. I'll probably be on the elimination list, because I know my classmates are way hardworking and have spent more effort in their works than me. But that's really okay, I'm glad that I could even be called in for an interview.
But I do hope that I could do my internship next semester. Seriously.
I do not dare to even think of a 'what if'.
I know I keep lacking the passion and tried to run away... :<
I know I am not even standing at a place that I could beg for a miracle...
But it's all up to you, if I deserve this miracle.
And before this Wednesday, my life is going to be coffee + strepsils + sleepless + passion.
Anyway even though it costs some time, today's interview to mfx was definitely worth it, it's really an eye-opener for a frog like me. I'll probably be on the elimination list, because I know my classmates are way hardworking and have spent more effort in their works than me. But that's really okay, I'm glad that I could even be called in for an interview.
But I do hope that I could do my internship next semester. Seriously.
I do not dare to even think of a 'what if'.
I know I keep lacking the passion and tried to run away... :<
I know I am not even standing at a place that I could beg for a miracle...
But it's all up to you, if I deserve this miracle.
7.5.09
难以抗拒
其实我不喜欢搬迁。
也不喜欢衡量、比较
哪一个地方我才能住得最安心。
因为我都喜欢，而且喜欢的部分都是不同的部分；不喜欢的部分也各不相同。
所以我不能比较。
物质环境和血肉人情之间
有时候还真难做选择。
只能说，
有时候作了这样的选择
并不是因为经过什么详细思考
只是因为
难以抗拒。
也不喜欢衡量、比较
哪一个地方我才能住得最安心。
因为我都喜欢，而且喜欢的部分都是不同的部分；不喜欢的部分也各不相同。
所以我不能比较。
物质环境和血肉人情之间
有时候还真难做选择。
只能说，
有时候作了这样的选择
并不是因为经过什么详细思考
只是因为
难以抗拒。
28.4.09
11.4.09
Easter Day
Not that I'm a dedicated Christian, I can't tell you stories from the Bible, and I think that I have a rather different image of God in my heart, and He who is in my heart is the spirit.
Anyway, tomorrow is Easter Day, and I have decided not to go to the church, even when I was given the chance to go. Bah, it always made me feel sad (sinful?) for rejecting invitations to go to the church.
Even if I were to say yes at first, there's always something that made me changed my mind to a no. It's either the someone (that I don't really like), or sometimes, it's my to-do list.
Maybe I always have a never-ending to-do list, and assignments are never the first priority on my list. Perhaps I should start procrastinate correctly, like skipping my chores and housework instead of dealing with my serious work late.
No wait, that's not what I want to say. Actually I just suddenly remembered something about my Easter Day.
I never had any proper Easter Day celebrations before. The first time that I'm exposed to bunny and a basket of eggs (that time I still don't know it's called Easter), is that she brought me to some house, full with children and some adults, and I was one of the children there, and they were having some kind of coloring contest. I've always liked coloring. I was given a piece of picture of a black-outlined bunny and a basket of eggs with ribbons at the sides on a yellow paper, then I was told to color it.
The coloring contest ended with me in total surprise and awkwardness.
I was wondering why all other kids were painting and draw patterns on the eggs, the eggs were so colorful. I thought they were ugly because I colored all my eggs in white. I was thinking, "Aren't eggs supposed to be just plain color?" They don't have light brown or pale orange color for the eggs so I colored them white. I was the only one who colored them white. Then she asked me, "Why you colored your eggs white? You should have made them more colorful." I only answered with silence, because it can be very confusing to kids when they are not told and not knowing about colorful Easter eggs, and adults telling them something out of the ordinary because we only see plain brown or white eggs in our daily life right? It's something like when you paint an apple purple and show it to adults and tell them this is an apple, and they will laugh and say there is no purple apple, you should paint it red or green. Yet now, I'm experiencing the opposite situation.
Ok so after the contest, there were some Christian preaching session which distracted me a little from my white eggs and other kids' colorful eggs, but in the end I only remember two things, which is a small green bookmark with a quote on it (which is now being kept in my bible) and my basket of white eggs with dark pink ribbons and white bunny.
Other than that, I still remember there was once, I forgot where it took place as well, it was some kind of kids' fashion show, they have games for kids, and I was one of the kids, I catwalked like a robot or something, I don't really remember, the adults keep telling me to catwalk, but I have totally no idea what is catwalking. Then there was a girl wearing a sexy dress with make up, while I'm wearing normal set of shirt and pants in red, and she walked really well compared to others and me.
Well, it was no big deal that she walked better than me, I don't really mind at the first place until she asked me why wouldn't I dare to walk like the other girl. After the fashion show game there was some colorful-eggs-searching. I think they are Easter eggs symbols too, but I just am too ignorant at that time, for not asking about why the eggs are colorful and different from our daily eggs.
When we were small, they always wanted us to stood out among the good, they want us to be daring and bold and active and whatever.
But as we grew, seems like it's better if we lay low in the crowd. We should just do what everyone else says is good, and just do what is safe. Because when you do something slightly different or trying to be bold, or being too daring or active in your hobbies, you'll be nagged and told that you should do this and that because they heard that it's good and can promise a job for you and it's for your future.
It probably is good that I was always being kept in a safe zone, but I'm never completely comfortable in it. Perhaps this made me very hesitant in making decisions, and I hate myself for that. But no matter how, at least I am not in the worst scenario, I might not have as much freedom as others, but I do have a certain level of freedom compared to those who are in a worse case than me.
Today's hesitation begets tomorrow's regret.
A friend shared this quote with me, so I'm leaving it here to remind myself about my weakness and I shall never be failed by it.
Anyway, Happy Easter Day.
(These are my white Easter eggs from memory.)
Anyway, tomorrow is Easter Day, and I have decided not to go to the church, even when I was given the chance to go. Bah, it always made me feel sad (sinful?) for rejecting invitations to go to the church.
Even if I were to say yes at first, there's always something that made me changed my mind to a no. It's either the someone (that I don't really like), or sometimes, it's my to-do list.
Maybe I always have a never-ending to-do list, and assignments are never the first priority on my list. Perhaps I should start procrastinate correctly, like skipping my chores and housework instead of dealing with my serious work late.
No wait, that's not what I want to say. Actually I just suddenly remembered something about my Easter Day.
I never had any proper Easter Day celebrations before. The first time that I'm exposed to bunny and a basket of eggs (that time I still don't know it's called Easter), is that she brought me to some house, full with children and some adults, and I was one of the children there, and they were having some kind of coloring contest. I've always liked coloring. I was given a piece of picture of a black-outlined bunny and a basket of eggs with ribbons at the sides on a yellow paper, then I was told to color it.
The coloring contest ended with me in total surprise and awkwardness.
I was wondering why all other kids were painting and draw patterns on the eggs, the eggs were so colorful. I thought they were ugly because I colored all my eggs in white. I was thinking, "Aren't eggs supposed to be just plain color?" They don't have light brown or pale orange color for the eggs so I colored them white. I was the only one who colored them white. Then she asked me, "Why you colored your eggs white? You should have made them more colorful." I only answered with silence, because it can be very confusing to kids when they are not told and not knowing about colorful Easter eggs, and adults telling them something out of the ordinary because we only see plain brown or white eggs in our daily life right? It's something like when you paint an apple purple and show it to adults and tell them this is an apple, and they will laugh and say there is no purple apple, you should paint it red or green. Yet now, I'm experiencing the opposite situation.
Ok so after the contest, there were some Christian preaching session which distracted me a little from my white eggs and other kids' colorful eggs, but in the end I only remember two things, which is a small green bookmark with a quote on it (which is now being kept in my bible) and my basket of white eggs with dark pink ribbons and white bunny.
Other than that, I still remember there was once, I forgot where it took place as well, it was some kind of kids' fashion show, they have games for kids, and I was one of the kids, I catwalked like a robot or something, I don't really remember, the adults keep telling me to catwalk, but I have totally no idea what is catwalking. Then there was a girl wearing a sexy dress with make up, while I'm wearing normal set of shirt and pants in red, and she walked really well compared to others and me.
Well, it was no big deal that she walked better than me, I don't really mind at the first place until she asked me why wouldn't I dare to walk like the other girl. After the fashion show game there was some colorful-eggs-searching. I think they are Easter eggs symbols too, but I just am too ignorant at that time, for not asking about why the eggs are colorful and different from our daily eggs.
When we were small, they always wanted us to stood out among the good, they want us to be daring and bold and active and whatever.
But as we grew, seems like it's better if we lay low in the crowd. We should just do what everyone else says is good, and just do what is safe. Because when you do something slightly different or trying to be bold, or being too daring or active in your hobbies, you'll be nagged and told that you should do this and that because they heard that it's good and can promise a job for you and it's for your future.
It probably is good that I was always being kept in a safe zone, but I'm never completely comfortable in it. Perhaps this made me very hesitant in making decisions, and I hate myself for that. But no matter how, at least I am not in the worst scenario, I might not have as much freedom as others, but I do have a certain level of freedom compared to those who are in a worse case than me.
Today's hesitation begets tomorrow's regret.
A friend shared this quote with me, so I'm leaving it here to remind myself about my weakness and I shall never be failed by it.
Anyway, Happy Easter Day.
(These are my white Easter eggs from memory.)
1.4.09
28.3.09
Motivation Injection
It's a list of positive quotes to remind me to think positively.
Quotes are from a Japanese author Nakayama Yoko's (中山庸子) book, 大人の女はひとり上手―ひとりを愉しむ生き方のヒント, Chinese title is 《女人，一个人就行！》，the book title is something like "Woman, you can do it alone!".
Done with collage, markers and artline pens.
Illustrations and typography by lililim, 2009.
---------------------
Translation (almost literally):
Injecting Positive Energy To Yourself
1. My happiness is in my attitude.
2. If I want to have a beautiful/good aura, I would need beautiful/good information.
3. The goals that I want to work hard to achieve are "Relaxing", "Focus" and "Stylish"
(Note: "Stylish" is my own word, in the author's original work, it says "Elegant" )
4. Keep on enjoying the self-training assignments (challenges).
5. There must be a meaning to what you're doing now.
6. You only need to think over (eg. your mistakes) once.
7. When you're feeling frustrated, remember to move your body.
9.3.09
迷失在家课表里
每天写家课表的习惯，应该是从小学开始的。
中学时期，我有一本本骄傲的家课簿；每年换一本，用礼物纸包了再用包书纸包起来，里头一定要有日历，本子主要是拿来写家课表的，然后夹着书签，蓝色的站岗簿（学长用的，我还自己设计了一番），一些学校的通告回函，零零碎碎的纸张收据，还有就是自己亲手（精心）制作的课表。
写到这里，我有一股冲动想跑回房间把这些旧回忆找回出来，然后给他们照相，然后上载放在这里当插图，可是我没把相机带回家，所以现在把这些东西找出来也没用，因为不能照相；不能照相的话，这篇“迷失在家课表里”要等到照片好了之后才能继续写。
所以我在我大学的家课表里写下“记得要帮旧回忆照像”，还有“完成‘迷失在家课表里’这篇小文章”。
一日复一日，每日的家课表写满了我要完成的事情，写满了每次都“万事俱备、只欠东风”的事情，而家课表上的事情又总是因为只欠东风而又成了翌日的家课表，翌日的家课表加上新的家课累积昨日的家课表又成了后日的家课表。最后只埋怨时间过得太快，其实也不关时间的事，由始至终只是自己迷失在自己写的家课表里。
也不能说是谁的错，只能怪自己散忘，竟然忘了付出就是最大的收获。这句话是黄叔华老师赠的。当年高中一农历新年期间，黄老师发给每人一封红包袋，里头有着贴在硬卡上的金玉良言，而我的就是这一句话，“其实付出就是最大的收获”，贴在橙黄色硬卡上的白纸黑字。我只能说我非常认同，也因为这样，我可以全心全意地为校尽一点力，偶尔埋怨，却也没有后悔或一声不愿意。学长团、漫画组、训导处、事务处，对我而言，是多么熟悉有温度的字眼，因为我一直坚信，当我做得越多、走得越多，我也相信我会收获得更多，即使走错路了，也不要紧，因为至少我知道这条路是错的路，因为付出就已经是收获了。
常常挂在嘴边的话，我还用来鼓励不敢相信、不敢付出的学妹朋友。非常可笑，最后自己竟然因为大学里的一场噩梦，而否定了一直在鼓励自己的话。回想起从那噩梦至今这些一蹶不振的日子，只能怪自己怎么没骨气，原则怎么可以因为一场不愉快的梦而被否定了？
我懂了，收获的形式总不会一样；我也知道我那所谓的噩梦，其实也不是真的梦一场。原则定下了就是用来坚持的，完美和贪婪都一样是无止境的，那就不用再委屈骨气只为“只欠东风”的事，应该放心享受付出的喜悦，就跟以前一样，就不会那么容易再迷失于家课表里了。
后记：
I've had a good reading on Paul Graham's Good and Bad Procrastination, I guess there is not much need for me to summarize a good article which leads you to his point with his own effective words. It's a rather lengthy article, but it's the best article that I've read on procrastination so far. Do hop over to the article if you have the time.
中学时期，我有一本本骄傲的家课簿；每年换一本，用礼物纸包了再用包书纸包起来，里头一定要有日历，本子主要是拿来写家课表的，然后夹着书签，蓝色的站岗簿（学长用的，我还自己设计了一番），一些学校的通告回函，零零碎碎的纸张收据，还有就是自己亲手（精心）制作的课表。
写到这里，我有一股冲动想跑回房间把这些旧回忆找回出来，然后给他们照相，然后上载放在这里当插图，可是我没把相机带回家，所以现在把这些东西找出来也没用，因为不能照相；不能照相的话，这篇“迷失在家课表里”要等到照片好了之后才能继续写。
所以我在我大学的家课表里写下“记得要帮旧回忆照像”，还有“完成‘迷失在家课表里’这篇小文章”。
一日复一日，每日的家课表写满了我要完成的事情，写满了每次都“万事俱备、只欠东风”的事情，而家课表上的事情又总是因为只欠东风而又成了翌日的家课表，翌日的家课表加上新的家课累积昨日的家课表又成了后日的家课表。最后只埋怨时间过得太快，其实也不关时间的事，由始至终只是自己迷失在自己写的家课表里。
也不能说是谁的错，只能怪自己散忘，竟然忘了付出就是最大的收获。这句话是黄叔华老师赠的。当年高中一农历新年期间，黄老师发给每人一封红包袋，里头有着贴在硬卡上的金玉良言，而我的就是这一句话，“其实付出就是最大的收获”，贴在橙黄色硬卡上的白纸黑字。我只能说我非常认同，也因为这样，我可以全心全意地为校尽一点力，偶尔埋怨，却也没有后悔或一声不愿意。学长团、漫画组、训导处、事务处，对我而言，是多么熟悉有温度的字眼，因为我一直坚信，当我做得越多、走得越多，我也相信我会收获得更多，即使走错路了，也不要紧，因为至少我知道这条路是错的路，因为付出就已经是收获了。
常常挂在嘴边的话，我还用来鼓励不敢相信、不敢付出的学妹朋友。非常可笑，最后自己竟然因为大学里的一场噩梦，而否定了一直在鼓励自己的话。回想起从那噩梦至今这些一蹶不振的日子，只能怪自己怎么没骨气，原则怎么可以因为一场不愉快的梦而被否定了？
我懂了，收获的形式总不会一样；我也知道我那所谓的噩梦，其实也不是真的梦一场。原则定下了就是用来坚持的，完美和贪婪都一样是无止境的，那就不用再委屈骨气只为“只欠东风”的事，应该放心享受付出的喜悦，就跟以前一样，就不会那么容易再迷失于家课表里了。
后记：
I've had a good reading on Paul Graham's Good and Bad Procrastination, I guess there is not much need for me to summarize a good article which leads you to his point with his own effective words. It's a rather lengthy article, but it's the best article that I've read on procrastination so far. Do hop over to the article if you have the time.
15.2.09
活着
喜悦
因为忙碌
因为忙碌得充实
因为充实地活着。
p/s:
今天我这样子穿去上课，
有一点眼袋，有一点熊猫样，
有一点累，不过还是很开心。
------------------------
本是二月十一日写的，
挪到今天才能扫描表出来。
希望我可以继续充实地活着，感受生命的喜悦。
4.2.09
二十二的年事月事
总觉得，自己心理上只有十七岁，其实已经二十二了。
长大以后，一年的成长没有小孩少年时期般显著，现在的成长，只有思想上的、心理上的，都是肉眼看不见的。这农历新年，我又大一岁了，也许因为察觉不到自己的成长，新年来临前，我很低落；虽然心情低落对我而言是家常便饭，但一到了除夕，还有每年都有好吃的火锅团圆饭，所以我有点兴奋与期待，也稍微收拾了一下杂物和旧东西。
新年我是有点寂寞，因为好姐妹不在身边；她们也不在她们家人身边，我想她们应该比我更寂寞。不过，如果不寂寞，应该就不是我的新年了。同龄的表兄弟姐妹，我们都没多说话，点头示意大家安好就好；小辈的表外甥男女们和堂侄女们，都长大了，懂事的懂事，调皮的调皮，可爱的可爱。不过这时期最容易看得出谁家小孩管教得当，谁家的是被宠坏的。而我还是这样，我多少只能说，家家有本难念的经，还有家丑不外扬，反正全家人健康平安就好。
新年过，新学期就开始了，我的月事也一齐来临。也许越长大，身体就越虚弱，以前还很庆幸自己只有轻微的腹痛，现在我真恨不得可以每天请假在家里闭目躺在床上缩在一块儿疗养那胀疼的小腹，只能说，现在的月事真要命。
然而新学期是新开始，新开始就是新的动力。虽然今天因为那要命的事，说话少了点力，不过心里是真的注入了新鲜的动力。
我二十二岁的年事月事，就这样迎接了我的新学期。
长大以后，一年的成长没有小孩少年时期般显著，现在的成长，只有思想上的、心理上的，都是肉眼看不见的。这农历新年，我又大一岁了，也许因为察觉不到自己的成长，新年来临前，我很低落；虽然心情低落对我而言是家常便饭，但一到了除夕，还有每年都有好吃的火锅团圆饭，所以我有点兴奋与期待，也稍微收拾了一下杂物和旧东西。
新年我是有点寂寞，因为好姐妹不在身边；她们也不在她们家人身边，我想她们应该比我更寂寞。不过，如果不寂寞，应该就不是我的新年了。同龄的表兄弟姐妹，我们都没多说话，点头示意大家安好就好；小辈的表外甥男女们和堂侄女们，都长大了，懂事的懂事，调皮的调皮，可爱的可爱。不过这时期最容易看得出谁家小孩管教得当，谁家的是被宠坏的。而我还是这样，我多少只能说，家家有本难念的经，还有家丑不外扬，反正全家人健康平安就好。
新年过，新学期就开始了，我的月事也一齐来临。也许越长大，身体就越虚弱，以前还很庆幸自己只有轻微的腹痛，现在我真恨不得可以每天请假在家里闭目躺在床上缩在一块儿疗养那胀疼的小腹，只能说，现在的月事真要命。
然而新学期是新开始，新开始就是新的动力。虽然今天因为那要命的事，说话少了点力，不过心里是真的注入了新鲜的动力。
我二十二岁的年事月事，就这样迎接了我的新学期。
25.1.09
我和我
我想，既然改变不了的，就不用伪装、也不用掩饰了。
反正，我还是这个样子。
我有一个骄傲自负、无畏大胆的内心；然而外表只有纤细柔弱。
这对比、这矛盾，我想我在里面还挣扎了好一阵子。
反正每个人都有多重性格，我又何尝不是。
所以，都无所谓了，真真假假、虚伪真实，每个人都一样。
当我们说一个人很真，只是因为我们没有看得见他虚伪的时候。反之亦然。
虚假，因为人们只用肤浅的肉眼看。
真实，是一种只有心才看得出感动。
选择朋友，我想我还蛮挑剔的。
所谓朋友莫过于恰好选择同一道路的随行者，走到分叉路的时候，还是一样会分开。
合得来的自然就会走在一起，合不来的也不用勉强，勉强自己就像为自己套上枷锁一样。
反正我这一辈子能够认识你们这些真挚的朋友，我一无所求了。
既然朋友不应该是枷锁，那么
太依赖周遭的想法，也是一种自我糟蹋。
吸取和依赖是两回事，这是我必须学习的教训。
还有就是，我以前引以为荣的
灵感。
我有涌泉般源源不断的灵感，是自大了一点
不过那都是因为我相信我自己。
就是这样简单，一切都会变好，我只需要重新相信自己。
后记：
想写这一篇“我和我”，是因为刚读完《小王子》 (The Little Prince, Le Petit Prince)，我是读第二遍了。另外，也是因为那天晴对我说“我喜欢读你的文字”，真的是为我打了支强心针。谢谢你喔。
《小王子》 是安东尼·圣艾修伯里在1943年出版的书，是世界名著，也是让我找回自己的一本书，没有看过的，我还真的是会推荐这一本写给小孩和大人的书。短篇、精简和浅显的文字，就像孩子清脆的声音反复呼唤着心底已冷却的赤子之心。
我有两本《小王子》：第一本是中文版的，在2002年笑个不停的生日当天买的，没记错是在市中心星马最顶楼的一间书局里买的；第二本是英文版，隔了五年同样也是六月买的，不过是在六月二日KLCC的书展买的。
12.1.09
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